Ambang cuti Krismas melihat penghuni Makmal Genetik yang cuma tinggal beberapa kerat penuh gelisah menunggu pukul lima petang. Aku sendiri turut menyibuk di bilik makan, mengunyah sisa-sisa kudapan sambil ngomel dengan Kak Pah dan Kak Su, pembantu-pembantu makmal.

Sembang-sembang tentang projek, Kak Wan, senior officer kami masuk ke bilik makan, terkebil-kebil melihat kami buang masa. Aku biarkan saja. Cuma tinggal sepuluh minit sebelum tamat waktu kerja. Semua tugasan sudah selesai. Mau apa lagi?

“Ni cuti panjang ni ulat bulu siapa kasi makan?” dia bertannya kepada RAnya. Nadanya masih di tahap friendly. Kak Su dengan penuh rasa tanggungjawab mengulas, “Ah, tadi kami beri daun banyak-banyak. Cukup sampai minggu depan.”

Aku mencuit kak Pah, lalu mulutku mengutarakan soalan tanpa suara. Ulat apa?

“Ulat yang makan daun jati.”

Dahiku berkerut. Aku memandang kak Wan, dan dengan agak bangga dia memberi penjelasan.

“Ulat ni ulat perosak. Suka makan daun jati dan musnahkan tanaman jati.”

Ah. “Ulat ni nanti bila dah dewasa jadi apa?”

Kak Wan macam bengang dengan soalan aku. “Tak kisah la dia jadi apa. Yang pentingnya masa stage ulat, dia makhluk perosak.”

Aku ulang suara. “Ya faham. Tapi bila besar mesti jadi sesuatu kan? Jadi apa?”

“Rama-rama,” Kak Pah membantu.

Kak Wan explain lagi seperti aku budak lepasan SPM. “Kak Nor tengah buat research. Dia cuba introduce BT gene dalam pokok jati. BT gene ni nanti akan musnahkan system penghadaman ulat dan lama kelamaan ulat tu akan mati. Jadi tak ada la lagi gangguan pada pokok jati.”

RAnya yang memang lepasan SPM nampak sangat kagum.

Aku sengaja menongkah arus. “Kalau kita guna BT gene, tak pupus ke ulat tu?”

Dengan penuh yakin kak Wan menjawab, “Ulat tu tak berguna pun. Siapa suruh makan daun jati?”

Tak berguna?

Kucing advokasi dalam hati aku menyinga, buat aku rasa panas tiba-tiba. Aku tak suka emosi yang melampau, tapi serius aku katakan: aku cukup benci dengan orang yang kurang berfikir tentang hak orang lain, atau lebih jelasnya di sini, hak makhluk lain.

Dan untuk seorang saintis institut penyelidikan berpangkat PhD mengutarakan pendapat seperti budak dua tahun adalah sesuatu yang tak dapat aku terima. Siapa suruh makan!? For heaven’s sakes, come on!

Kak Wan mungkin merasakan perubahan suhu bilik, lalu dengan nada keamanan dia berkata, “Ala, kalau sesuatu tu mendatangkan lebih keburukan daripada kebaikan..”

Inilah dia masalah kebanyakan saintis Malaysia zaman ini.

Bila sudah pelajari sesuatu, kita rasakan diri sudah betul, dan ilmu yang kita dapat, itulah yang terbaik. Betulkah? Sebagai seorang biotechnologist juga self-proclaimed pencinta alam, aku banyak belajar betapa kita ni hidup dalam satu jaringan yang imbangannya bagai telur di hujung tanduk. Tak perlu tunggu haiwan besar untuk lenyap dari muka bumi. Kehilangan ulat sudah cukup untuk meranapkan semuanya!

Sekarang zaman integrasi; era interdisciplinary education. Sebanyak kita mengetahui tentang punca sesuatu, kita juga harus tahu serba sedikit tentang kesannya. Everything is a cycle of cause and/or effect, and everything comes with its own costs and benefits . In short, everything contributes to a whole and consequently, the loss of even one component will adversely affect the whole.

(Thank God for my mother, a sound environmental economist who has taught me a lot about 'balance' ^^)

Satu konsep yang sangat munasabah, kan? Malangnya, tak ramai antara saintis kita yang mahu berfikir secara munasabah, sebab cara itu takkan mendatangkan untung. Sebaliknya semua sibuk mencari jalan untuk mengeksploitasikan sumber, kerana dari situlah terbitnya wang ringgit.

Yang lebih menyedihkan, perbualan ini juga memberi gambaran jelas betapa sistem institusi pengajian tinggi kita masih belum berupaya melahirkan saintis yang holistic; yang mampu meneliti masalah dan juga jalan penyelesaian dari pelbagai sudut.

Akibatnya? seorang saintis yang sudah punya sarjana doktorat keluaran tempatan masih lagi berfikiran one-sided.. mengambil jalan senang: Get rid of the damned pests!

Kalau macam itu aku pun boleh jadi doktor falsafah: Bunuh saja, bukan berguna pun..

Haish, aku rasa sangat kesal. Aku mahu pertahankan hak ulat-ulat tu; ulat yang akan jadi rama-rama cantik. Hanya sebab pokok jati yang menjadi makanannya sejak azali tiba-tiba sudah menjadi komoditi terhangat bagi manusia, haiwan ini harus berdepan dengan kepupusan. Adil ke tu?

Cuba kalau lembu, kambing atau ayam yang menjadi makanan fevret kita jadi komoditi terhangat makhluk asing, lepas tu diaorang engineer lembu, kambing dan ayam yang boleh menjahanamkan sistem penghadaman manusia, sampai lama kelamaan kita pun pupus. Baru padan muka kita..

Aku selalu kata: put yourself in other people's shoes.. walaupun hakikatnya kasut tu milik ulat bulu yang tak seberapa specialnya. Nak jadi khalifah ni bukan perkara senang. Perkara besar kena jaga, perkara kecil pun kena jaga juga.

Kalau kita nak hidup hanya untuk pertahankan hak kita, dan meminggirkan hak orang/makhluk lain, itu bukanlah khalifah namanya. Itu hanyalah haiwan.

Labwork... Argh!!! >_<

Life is less hectic now. I don't like it.

Cooped up in a sterile, virtual freezer for 9 hours of the day ain't my idea of quality time. I know, I know; I made the bed, I suppose I should lie in it.. I just didn't think it would be this much work, especially considering I didn't sign up to FRIM's Forest Ecology unit just to end up right back where I started.

In that sterile, virtual freezer..

You'd never know there is a large gap in the knowledge that you possess unless you actually go out and see for yourself. That is, if you even realize there is a gap..

I know there is a gap. I'm trying hard to bridge it but I don't know where to start. Right now my life feels like a woven mat. I'm putting the seams together but for the life of me some parts keep unraveling. I weave a bit here and it comes undone there. I fix it there and it goes haywire elsewhere! Argh!!

I think I'm missing a very important link somehow. Like a glue that will keep it all together. Or a knotting technique, as the analogy might prefer.

But I also know this 'knotting technique' is difficult to learn, and hard to come by. I'm tempted at this point to just leave the messy edge and concentrate in the middle where everything looks simple and orderly.

Ceh, I'm not stupid. I know the edge is the problem. That's what needs solving. But without a lot of input I'm a little scared to try. What if things go wrong?

Or worse, what if I find I'm just not cut out for this?

The first

"What.. are you doing here?" I asked, exhausted yet so aware of his presence.

"Nothing," he replied nonchalantly, not moving an inch from his spot on my bed, eyes fixated on some afternoon game show playing on the TV on my bedroom dresser. I was extremely glad that my place had been tidied just the day before. If not, he'd have been wading piles and piles of dirty laundry just to get to my room.

He chuckled at random, eyes still on the screen but body slowly reclining onto the warm comforter. I leaned heavily against the door jamb, partly out of weariness and partly to prevent myself from stepping any further into the room. I was suddenly fearful of broaching personal space; his or mine, I wasn't entirely sure.

My discomfort seemed lost on him, and from the look of things I wagered he was actually clueless of it. But he wasn't to be blamed. I had such relationships with men after all. I was always casual, relaxed, accepting. I was the girl they couldn't possibly fall for, but one they could brotherly love for all eternity.

For a second his gaze strayed to me, a faint questioning look playing across those beautiful twin orbs. He wasn't used to this shy, reserved version of his good friend. Under normal circumstances, his current state of unwind would not have deterred me from coming close to him.

But what a shame. I'd developed a sudden attraction to the boy now lazing so comfortably on my bed.

And oh how I fought tooth and nail with that familiar but suddenly overwhelming urge to join him..

Hiatus

It’s been far too long since I’d updated. I’ve been a tad busy, mostly with year-end presentations, seminars and workshops. I’m looking forward to a less hectic December schedule, insyaAllah; most of my lab work should consist of sequencing and haplotype analysis, save for some PCR reruns on a few particularly stubborn DNA samples.

Anyway, it’s come to my attention recently that some of my readers are interested in my blog for the things I do as a researcher, and not as a layman bent on publicizing her personal, day-to-day grouse against the world. Indeed, I think that’s what I’ve been doing the past few entries. Grouse, I mean.. In my own defense, I never intended for this blog to be anything but my own thoughts, be that personal or otherwise. And lately, those ‘thoughts’ have veered more to the personal.

It’s the end of the year. Sue me.

Despite that, I will own up to a slight lack of focus in my current research, and I do apologize to my more professional readers for this lackadaisical attitude. Sometimes enthusiasm for what you do can only go so far in helping you achieve your goals. Being a fresh graduate with no experience or qualifications certainly does not help, and finding that everyone else seems to be one step ahead of you in the all-consuming scientific rat race serves well to dampen your spirit even further.

I could go on with more negativity, but I digress.

But things are looking up. I’ve personally met a few people I could count on for enlightenment on the subject of genetics, one of them the elusive Mr. T. I have directions now; there is a speck of light at the end of the tunnel, yeay! I will share more with you once I’ve gotten past my coming-back-to-work-after-weeks-of-out-of-office lag phase ya. Till then….

Haih, aku nak CUTI!

Dah seminggu rutin tidur aku terganggu.

Buat julung kalinya aku nak kena present research progress di hadapan warga professional FRIM. Sepatutnya tak ada masalah. Projek aku berjalan lebih kurang lancar. Walaupun hasilnya belum lagi jelas, namun banyak improvements.

Tapi aku tengok supervisor aku macam ada tujuan lain untuk Project Evaluation Meeting ni. Dia tak cakap banyak, tapi dari cara dia teliti slide presentation projek aku, aku dah nampak apa yang bermain dalam benak dia.

This is my debut. My biggest chance at making a good first impression. Orang dah banyak mengata; aku dapat kerja sebab aku anak staf. Ihsan majikan. Aku kira sedikit sebanyak tempiasnya akan kena juga pada penyelia. Jadi nilah masanya aku nak perbetulkan tanggapan orang. Aku ada substance; aku boleh contribute.

I've been hired on good merits, not excellent 'cables'..

On the other hand, aku naik rimas lagi menyampah untuk sentiasa pertahankan diri. Tak boleh ke kalau aku biarkan je? Lantaklah orang nak kata apa. Yang penting aku tak serabut.

Malangnya aku tak hidup dalam dunia sendiri - that was the case during my undergrad years. Bila dah kerja ni semua perkara ada penilaian. Ada laporan dan dokumentasi. ISO gitu.. macam aku ni takde lain kerjanya hanya berdiri di hujung telunjuk.

At least 'No' used to be an option. These days..

Conversations..

38 hours before flight check-in

Author: Hello?

Mum: When are you coming home? this really isn't a good time for you to be going off on vacation. I'm leaving for Argentina tomorrow night! I haven't packed, I need to buy shoes and toiletries and food—

Author: You think I'm here on vacation!?

Mum: You could have put this off. It's not so important for you to be in Penang right now! I need help with my things! Have you taken a look at the presentation slides I sent you? did you fix it?

Author: I thought I said I'll get it done and e-mail it to you...

Mum: And when will that be? I haven't got much time! When are you meeting your supervisor?

Author: This afternoon, 3 pm.

Mum: You can still drive back to KL after that, can't you?

Author: I don't know how long the meeting will take. And If I do go back tonight, I'd have to send Ann to UKM first. It'll be too late for her to catch the komuter. Besides, I booked the hotel for two days. They don't give refunds..

Mum: You're not going to help me, are you? Kamu memang sengaja nak tinggalkan mama terkonteng-konteng dengan semua ni. Eloklah tu..

Author: ...

Click.


27 hours before flight check-in

R&R Tapah, Perak.

Author: Hello, assalamualaikum..

Mum: Where are you?

Author: Kat kedai makan.

Mum: Did you meet your supervisor?

Author: Yeah, she's really nice!

Mum: What time did you finish?

Author: *sigh* Around 4 pm..

Mum: See? You could have made it back to KL tonight! And I didn't receive anything from you in the e-mail. You didn't even look at the slides, did you.. memang tak endahkan cakap mama.

Author: ...

Mum: Esok you'll take your own sweet time driving back to KL, while I'm here handling all this by myself. Papa kamu tak boleh harap. Kamu pun— *bip bip bip!*

Phone died. Forgot to bring charger.


24 hours before flight check-in

Kolej Zaaba, UKM Bangi

Pa: Hello!

Author: Hello pa... papa buat apa tu?

Pa: Tengah tengok TV. Kenapa?

Author: Nanti jangan kunci gate depan tau. Tunggu Opie balik ya.

Pa: Hah!? kamu kat mana ni?

Author: Tunggu la. Lagi 45 minit Opie sampai.

Pa: Kamu dah dekat Tanjung Malim dah!? Kenapa balik malam-malam buta macam ni? Kan tak elok—

Author: Uh... Yeah... banyak kerja la. Mama buat apa tu?

Pa: Mama kamu dah berdengkur.

Author: ...


12 hours before flight check-in

Amar: Hello?

Author: Wey, bukan ke ko janji dengan mama nak balik temankan dia shopping hari ni?

Amar: aku nak balik la ni.

Author: *pissed* Takyah la balik Mar. Matahari nak tenggelam dah. Buang masa je.

Amar: Woi! aku banyak kerja la, faham tak?

Author: Ko ingat ko sorang je yang banyak kerja? Duduk sekangkang kera dari rumah suruh balik sikit punya susah! Aku yang dari Penang.. haish, tak payah balik! biar aku handle mama!

Amar: Aku memang kena balik, Long.

Author: Buat apa?

Amar: Malam ni aku ada jemputan kahwin kat damansara..

Click!


5 hours before flight check-in

One Utama, Old Wing

Author: Hello?

Amree: Wey... ko kat mana ni?

Author: Kat OU, cari kasut mama. Ko nak apa?

Amree: Wey, aku takleh nak draw duit kat CIMB la. ATM kat Dungun ni bengong.. Ko dah masukkan duit dalam akaun Bank Islam aku?

Author: Dah. Did it this morning.. lagi?

Amree: Um, mintak top-up bleh? hehe.

Click!


3 hours before flight check-in

64, Jalan Bukit Maluri 7

Safura: Hello! How was Penang?

Author: I'm not in the mood to talk about it right now..

Safura: Why? what are you doing?

Author: Packing mum's bag..

Safura: Owh.. I'm sorry. But aren't you a little late? Shouldn't she be at the airport in like.. now?

Author: *sigh* can you do me a favor, hunny? your abang Amree needs top-up, and since I can't get to the shops right now, can you buy him one? He's been giving me messages non-stop.

Safura: What!? Woman, I just topped him up not two minutes ago! The little—

Author: ...


1 hour before flight check-in

KLIA, international departure area

VJ: This can't be happening.. I reminded him, dammit!

Author: Wait.. You're not going to Argentina?

VJ: I can't! He's the project director. How can I go without my boss? it's not my show! I told him over and over again that our flight is tonight, not tomorrow night! It's impossible for him to prepare now.. we've only got two hours left before departure!

Author: But VJ, that means my mum will be leaving for Argentina alone. Without you as guide..

VJ: Yes I know, and I'm sorry. But this is RM 100,000 going down the drain; that's how much we've paid for this event! Please understand; I don't want to be held responsible. I've done my part!

Author: It's okay. My mum will be okay. Right now, just brief her on what she needs to know. Give her all the information you have.

VJ: Yes.. and I'll make sure someone from the Malaysian embassy in Buenos Aires will be waiting for her at the airport when she arrives. They'll make sure she makes it safe to the hotel and to the conference the next morning.

Author: Great! She'll be fine, VJ..

VJ: I'm so sorry Dr. Ismariah. I just can't do this. I can't go..

Mum: That's okay. I'll make it. Just make sure someone from the embassy will be waiting for me in Buenos Aires, ya? that will be a big help..

VJ: I'll make damn sure!

Author: Boy, Dr. Sam is in a lot of trouble now, isn't he?


20 minutes after flight check-in

En route, North-South Expressway

Author: Hello?

Mum: P, can you try contacting VJ for me?

Author: What? But I don't have her number. Why, what's wrong?

Mum: I'm at the departure gate. The flight isn't boarding yet. I want to know something.

Author: What's that?

Mum: I mean, since she and Dr. Sam aren't coming, can I upgrade my ticket to business class?

Author: ...

Dear potential half of my soul,

My head is about to explode. I got enough on my mind as is, without you taking up permanent residence. I mean, would it kill you to just show up? What is the big deal that needs me to continue waiting for you? Jump out of the friggin' box already, dammit! I can't stand the suspense..

Thing is, I see things.. and I see you in them. Things I like, things I don't like, stuff we share with people, stuff we don't share at all, or only with each other and behind closed doors. There are moments I'd like to relive for the rest of my life with you, and I'm hoping you'll indulge me once we're.. you know...

It's not enough, I know. Heck, I'm not enough! Don't you think it scares me? That there are rules and restrictions to this? You're waiting for me to meet the standards.. I have my own, just so you know. I want to be everything. The quiet place; the panic room. The storm-shielding cove. I know, that's probably your job.. but why be normal? I am stronger than you think.. which is not the most endearing trait for a supposedly vulnerable being, I'm sure.. but it's one of the only things I know well how to be.

I've always wanted to be the one to start it. I've missed out on so many chances and so many good things because I preferred to keep my mouth shut and stick to the rules, which I guess is understandable given my.. uh.. situation... But regardless, every time I lose, it keeps getting harder to quell the pain; to forget; to continue believing I'm still worthy.

I guess the only upside to this is that I'm brilliant at steering myself towards the positive. I tell myself, "nope, it's not the right time/the right place/the right guy/the right me, yet." Go figure. But then again, it's always easier to convince yourself that you're in control, isn't it? The feeling that it was you who made the choice, rather than having it forced on you to swallow whole..

Look deeper. It's all I ask. I'm not sure what it is you're supposed to be searching for, or if I even have it. But I'm very sure of one thing: I'll be the one to fall for you first. The signs are obvious, you can't miss it. But once you get there, I beg of you.. don't come so close if you don't intend on staying or if you've got something else in mind or think you and I could somehow be platonic.. Don't be so nice if it's what you think will help ease the guilt for feeling that you've made a big mistake.. it's not a good idea, trust me.. It may look okay on the surface, but you're clueless of the damages.

I'm a positive and cheerful person.. too bad that won't stop me from bleeding.


Love,
Your potential other half

Humanity

This was sent to my e-mail this morning. I wasn't the type to circulate forwarded e-mails to others, but this story is too beautiful not to be shared. So, I've decided to post it here, in its original entirety.. ^^

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?" I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat. At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball; the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay!"

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third!" As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!"

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team!

"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world."

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

Toe the line

Apa aku buat selepas tahlil arwah atuk?

Aku menghilangkan diri dengan Coolpix abah. Merayau satu kampung dituruti Acha, Longot dan Omey. Aku dah serik dengan bisik-bisik pengajaran dan anjuran bersabar para hadirin. I know they meant well. But in the end, this will be just another day, another death, a part of life for them. For the sake of my grandpa, I refused to remember it that way.

Lalu selepas yasin dan doa aku meloloskan diri, mencari warna selain putih; bunyi selain ratap. Dan aku sapa atuk dalam mekar kembang dan siul petang kampung kesayangannya.

Kadang-kadang aku rasa lemas jadi dewasa.

Lebih dari memikul tanggungjawab, ada sejenis politik keluarga dan tradisi yang seperti harus aku anuti. Diluah mati emak, ditelan mati bapak. Kalau kulum dalam mulut saja, aku pula yang jadi mangsa.

Kita semua manusia.. arwah Makngah aku selalu cakap macam tu. Zaman aku tak faham, aku interpret ayat ni sepertimana orang lain: Kita adalah makhluk yang tak lari dari kesilapan. Jika kamu perhatikan, ayat cliche ini positif. Dalam diam kita terima orang lain seadanya; secara tak langsung kita memaafkan.

But, everything in life is a double-edged sword..

Melihat keadaan keluarga aku selepas pemergian arwah atuk, aku sedar mungkin Makngah cuba mengatakan sesuatu, dan ianya tak sepositif yang aku sangka. Keluarga yang dahulu aku sanjung kerana tali persaudaraan yang sangat kukuh, sudah mula mempamer cela. Di mana ada harta dan wang ringgit, di situ akan selalu ada dendam dan fitnahnya.

Aku mahu jadi anak-anak. Aku mahu diasingkan dari pertelingkahan dan sesi tuduh-menuduh. Malangnya, aku sudah matang. Sudah boleh diseret ke dalam lubuk. Lalu aku disajikan sifat kelam orang-orang yang aku sayangi. Duniaku jadi terbalik bila aku pula yang harus jadi antara suara-suara yang objektif. Tembok hormatku terhakis bukan sedikit.

Kita semua manusia. Zaman aku faham, ayat ini aku tafsirkan sepertimana yang aku alami.

We're not evil because we're only human.. We're only human because we're evil.

Staring Contest

I've been watching him for the past twenty minutes.

He's oblivious to my surveillance, acute senses tuned-in on the hyperactive cackling group of girls we happen to be sharing a lab with. He's probably more than a little bored. Sitting at the far end of the lab bench, stubborn chin leaned softly on the back of a right hand as he continued to stare languidly at the scene unfolding on my side of the room.

Me? you may call me a laissez faire spirit.. most of the time. But I'm also the type to take keen interest in my environment, and lately, that environment consisted of giggling females prone to breaking into wild cacophony whenever he was present. Under normal circumstances this wouldn't have bothered me in the least. But as it stands, the subject in question has managed to frazzle even my own usually level state of mind.

What on earth is this guy oozing to make the girls tick?

I had to wonder briefly if it was his attention that was causing such rapture from the girls. Really, if guys only knew what wondrously decieving species we females have evolved to be. We're utter mischief smothered in that innocently sweet, brown gooey stuff we all like to lick off our fingers from time to time..

And FYI, mischief is the fun part you guys get to have on the occasion you decide to pledge the rest of your lives to us. Before that, everything is a deception. A test of worthiness. Before that, we're just—

"—liquid nitrogen in mortar and pestle."

What??

A few taps on the shoulder and my rapt attention shifted to a labmate materializing seemingly out of nowhere. She stood to my left, giving off such a strong vibe of I mean business in her off-white lab coat and powder-free gloves that I had the sudden urge to laugh and apologize at the same time.

We were a team. She would have spent the last fifteen minutes poring over the lab manual, highlighting the terms, making all the necessary calculations and gathering the equipments. Knowing her, she probably would have completed at least the first two steps of the excercise.

All while I was ignorantly ogling the most eligible bachelor this side of the Pusu river..

She proceeded to reiterate the Plant DNA Extraction excercise for me, ticking off the steps as she went along. I gave a brief nod to each one; asked a few relevant questions. She answered them with narrowed eyes, sure I was up to something. But once satisfied with my level of attention to the task at hand, she left, allowing me to spend more time on my subject of interest.

Last time I looked, he was still focused on the girls.

This time I looked, his focus has shifted.

Right onto me.

Oh, busted!

On a normal day - where I play the sharpwitted superfox at the top of my game - the quickest response to this would have been a raised eyebrow and that sassy whatchu lookin' at, punk? look thrown his way.

But this wasn't normal. This was something more. A blatant challenge.

Historically, he and I never saw things eye to eye. I always thought it was because our egos were evenly matched; they were often inflated to high heavens. We never agreed to disagree either. That would imply willingness to incite goodwill. No, we disagreed. Period.

It also didn't help matters that we were both very deceptive beings. Impressive and affable though we may seem on the outside, we were two people painfully aware of our flaws and shortcomings, and strive hardest to keep them hidden from prying eyes. As a consequence, we consciously painted ourselves the very picture of fierce independence and reliability. We took on vast roles among classmates; we were leaders, mediators, and mentors.

The very definition of a consummate teacher's pet.

Subconsciously however, we've become each other's mirror. We disliked each other for reflecting that pretentious but necessary image the both of us have come to recognize only too well.

So there we were, eyes suddenly riveted on each other, neither one willing to back off. I didn't want to give in. I couldn't. I didn't want him to regard me as one of the girls he could subdue - heaven knows he had a reputation for that. I wanted to show him that I was equal adversary. More importantly, I wanted to be acknowledged as one.

But alas, my true nature was often the polar opposite of my actions, curse it all!

See, my formative years were spent immersed in a culture where women addressed men in quiet voices and from behind solid objects - preferably pillars, doors, or walls.. Really, there was a time in my life when catching a man's eye - even for a moment - mortified me to shame. Eyes are windows to the soul; they are not meant to be broached by mere acquaintances.

And yet here I was, playing tug of war with an unbearably male opponent.

His gaze became sharper, gaining advantage on my reluctance. He was determined to drive me to the floor, that was for sure. I was losing. But, if I had to go down, I was intent on taking him with me.

So I did the only thing I thought would disarm him enough for both of us to break even.

Looking straight into his eyes, I gave him the widest, toothiest grin I could afford. I aimed the corners of my mouth right into my ears, possibly shredding my cheek muscles in the process. I had to make it work. My effing dignity depended on it!

And he responded. Though, not quite the way I'd hoped...

He wasn't the least bit surprised, his stoic expression kept firmly in place. But his eyes.. how they narrowed perceptibly at me; a look of utter ridicule possibly meant to raise my hackles. I read the message clear as day.

You're an idiot for even trying.

Haish..

Ah well, I lost the battle. Sour grapes, I know, but you can't win 'em all, can you? I don't know if I'll ever win the war with him; I wish there wasn't one. But I was relieved to have overcome this one obstacle..

It'll be easier for the both of us once he knows what a crazy bi**h I can be.

___________________________________________________________

Author's note: It couldn't be more emphasized that this entry has been written according to how the author felt AT THE TIME. The author wishes to express that her relationship with the person in question has since then evolved into something much stronger.

He shall always be counted as one of her dearest friends.

Betterment: Part II

So, hati dah selesai menyelidik. Obviously something needs to change. Tapi, apa nak buat dengan 'keliatan' aku?

When in doubt, FORCE IT.

Aku dah tak punya banyak masa. Waktu tu, puasa dah masuk seminggu. Kalau nak tunggu diri aku sedar sendiri dan ambik mood bulan Ramadhan, tak berubah la aku sampai bila-bila. Jadi aku decide untuk letakkan penghayatan di takuk kedua, dan aku dahulukan soal ritual.

Tiap-tiap malam aku paksa diri solat tarawih 23 rakaat. Tiap-tiap awal pagi aku paksa diri bangun sahur dan pergi sembahyang Subuh berjemaah di masjid. Sebelum ke ofis aku paksa diri tadarus dulu dengan mama. Mp3 aku tolak tepi (most of the time); Ceramah Ustaz Zahazan dan Nasaruddin Hassim jadi ganti.

Atas semua paksaan ni, seksanya hanya Dia yang tahu..

23 rakaat tiap-tiap malam, kalau kamu tak biasa, boleh buat kamu menangis! Baru rakaat kedua aku dah mula rimas; bila nak habis? bila nak habis? First two days, kaki dan lengan aku lenguh tahap cipan dek berkali-kali rukuk dan sujud. Tak cukup tarawih, bila hari minggu mama mesti suruh solat fardhu berjemaah di rumah, kalau tak ke masjid. Aku rasa lemas, seperti tak ada masa untuk diri sendiri. Tapi aku turutkan juga.

Mengaji Qur'an lagi satu perkara. Sebab dah jarang buat, bila tadarus aku sangkut-sangkut. Sifat, makhraj dan harkat entah kemana. Malu betul aku baca depan mama. Nampak sangat la anak sulung dia malas mengaji. Nasib baik dia penyabar. Tatih aku ayat demi ayat. Ulang lagi, ulang lagi, tah berapa kali. Bila tak tadarus aku berlatih baca ayat juz amma supaya aku lebih lancar. More time spent doing something I don't usually do.. haih!

Aku berkongsi semua ni bukan untuk tunjukkan betapa padatnya aktiviti ibadah aku bulan Ramadhan ni. Jauh sekali. Yang aku nak buktikan ialah, bila kita dah terbiasa dengan sesuatu, penghayatan akan datang dengan sendirinya.

Sekarang ni hati aku dah berubah sikit dari 'tak mahu' kepada 'boleh terima.' Tarawih dah kurang menyeksakan. Hati aku masih lagi bertanya bila nak habis? - tapi di rakaat 16, sebab tahap tu kaki aku dah mula lenguh. Tadarus masih merangkak, tapi boleh tahan sebab mama suka selitkan sedikit pengajian harfiah yang dipelajarinya setiap malam jumaat di surau Kampung Melayu.

Dua perkara yang aku dah 'suka' ialah sembahyang jemaah dan dengar ceramah dari CD dan radio IKIM. Sembahyang jemaah means aku solat on-time. Tak perlu risau sembahyang di hujung waktu, seperti kebiasaannya.. (-_-) Aku suka slot Ustaz Zahazan dan Ustaz Nasaruddin Hassim di IKIM fm. Kupasan kitab-kitab dan surah-surah mereka sangat menarik. And plus, suara dua-dua pun sangat comel.. ;p

Mungkin tahun ni aku tak dapat menghayati Ramadhan dengan sepenuhnya, sebab aku masih lagi dalam proses kembali ke arus normal dan cuba mencukupkan apa yang patut. Dari segi ini aku sangat bertuah ada mama. Pada aku dia sudah berada di jalan yang terang; aku cuma perlu mengikut. It definitely would have been impossible if I had to take this journey on my own..

Tahun depan. Tahun depan kalau ada rezeki aku untuk bertemu Ramadhan lagi, Insyaallah aku akan cuba buat sebaik mungkin.

Betterment: Part I

"Saat ini, ramai umat Islam sedang memburu. Di dalam sepuluh malam terakhir ini ada satu malam yang hayatnya bak seribu bulan. Malam turunnya segala ketetapan bagi tahun akan datang. Malam rezeki yang membuak-buak.

Yang sukarnya, pintu Lailatul Qadr ini terkuak saat ramai yang tak sedarkan diri. Huluran salam sang Jibril sering saja disambut dengkuran dan mimpi.

Penulis ini tidak menyangkal hakikat bahawa pada tahun-tahun sebelumnya, dia juga tergolong diantara mereka-mereka yang ketiduran. Bahkan bila diteliti, terasa seperti pada setiap peluang diberikan Tuhan, dia sedang kelalaian; kuyup dengan limpahan duniawi.."

Salah satu pegangan aku yang kekal hingga ke dewasa ini ialah sentiasa mengambil jalan tengah dalam apa jua situasi. Dalam konteks ilmu dan pengalaman, ini bermaksud aku menerima apa saja yang datang. Sifatku porous, bisa menyerap setiap kemungkinan; buruk baik, betul salah, halal haram. Bukan semua untuk dipraktikkan, tapi semua dalam usaha memahami.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that, aku bumbukan jadi satu dan aku lumurkan ke hati. Pokoknya, sangat tak sesuai kalau kamu melabel aku kudus dan alim, atau mengira hanya kamu saja yang meniti hidup in shades of grey..

Kalau aku buka topeng, kamu pasti nangis.

Hari ni aku mula cari jalan tengah lagi. Sebab hanya dengan mencari baru kita sedar kalau kita sesat atau hilang. Ni yang dikatakan muhasabah diri. Cumanya, bila kita leka dengan sesuatu tu, muhasabah pun secara lembut, takat nak make sure kita tak betul-betul menyimpang. Contohnya:

Aku camni, tapi sembahyang belum tinggal lagi...

Pernah dengar dalam kepala? Minta simpang. Tapi kalau dah terdengar, know that something's wrong somewhere..

Aku mula terfikir keadaan 'sebenar' diri bila datang bulan puasa dan aku liat nak sembahyang tarawih di masjid walau 8 rakaat; apa lagi la 21 rakaat yang disarankan mak. Suara dalam kepala: Aku dah kerja sekarang. Bahagi masa antara ofis dan makmal. Deadline tak menang tangan. Aku keletihan!

Tapi Alhamdulillah, mata hati aku tak dibutakan lagi; masih dapat merasa kalau aku tak di jalan yang sepatutnya. Jadi hati buat research. Cari lagi keburukan yang menjadi petanda kondisi spiritual aku. Hati menjadi sensitif, menunggu masa aku melakukan perkara yang potentially mungkar..

Dan mula la aku perasan semua benda. Contohnya, kalau mama pasang CD ceramah atau radio IKIM dalam kereta, aku rasa semacam. Ada sikit rasa tak puas hati. Tak tahu kenapa. Bila mama tak ada, MP3 aku cepat-cepat jadi ganti. Bergemalah Myvi kesayangan mama dengan alunan muzik yang dia tak suka.

Lagi aku perasan, kesabaran aku. Asal disuruh sikit, aku menyinga. Asal ditegur, menyinga. Lagi dekat time nak buka, lagi dasyat. Dan kekadang tu perkataan yang keluar.. Seriously, I don't know where these ugly things are coming from! But they came spilling out of my mouth like I say them everyday.

Dan petanda yang penghabisan: aku dah mula tak objektif dalam menangani masalah.

Perkara ni sangat aku titikberatkan, sebab pada aku objectivity adalah konsep asas yang menentukan pemikiran dan tindakan seseorang terhadap diri sendiri dan orang lain. Bila kita tak objektif, kita cenderung berat sebelah, berpuak-puak, bersangka buruk dan mementing diri. Dan kalau dah pentingkan diri, takkan terfikir nak muhasabah..

Benda ni dah lama aku jadikan ukuran peribadi; personal trademark aku sebagai seorang sahabat, kakak dan anchor kepada keluarga. Kalau runtuh perkara yang satu ni, maka goyahlah peranan aku di sisi ketiga-tiganya.

Aku sama sekali tak boleh biarkan itu berlaku. Not if I can help it!

Postscript: Adik, akak pinjam title entry kamu ya! Besides, what better way to appreciate a muse than to plagiarize his work? ^^

Heads up!

I've always wanted to write fiction.

I loved creative writing and language arts classes I took back in highschool. These writing classes put you in an immensely gratifying position; it gives you the right to toggle your world - and sometimes other people's - without censorship or disgrace.

I really wish the Malaysian education system would adopt these courses as part of the syllabus. Heaven knows we've churned out enough textbook writers to last us multiple lifetimes! (not that I believe in reincarnation per se..)

Anyway, I've been looking for ways to ease into this creative writing phase again; I've left it for far too long in favor of factual reports so loved in this country of mine.. I realize I can't write full fiction; I don't have a knack for making up stories. But creative writing doesn't have to be fictitious, do they? I mean, they can also be glaring truths penned with artistic liscense.. ;p

So to start, I'll be writing on flashbacks. We have them half a dozen times a day. In a sense these memories are special, given the fact that we could recall them in particular. And special memories make for excellent canvas on which to draw out the stretches of our imagination, no? ^^

I was thinking of writing out these flashbacks in very short storyline or memoir mode, but this remains to be seen. The flashbacks (whenever I have them) will be previewed on my sidebar shortly before their actual entries come out, and they will be filed under "the view from here." So whenever you see this label, you'll know that the account you're reading actually happened at some point in my life, just not exactly the way I tell it.. ;p

I know.. I'm bored out of my mind and need some form of continuous online entertainment that didn't involve extreme graphics or keeping scores with players on the other side of the darn planet.. -___-

The first account is entitled "Staring contest." I chose this one because it gives a chance for guessing, in more ways than one.. Try to figure it out once I put it up ya! ^.~

Jalan jalan cari daun!

One of the perks of working where I work is getting to do things that have nothing to do with me…

Minggu lepas, unit aku – Unit Ekologi Hutan – menganjurkan kursus pengenalan pokok. Sebagai seorang RA yang agak sibuk dengan tugasan makmal, aku sangka aku akan dikecualikan dari kewajipan menghadirinya. Lagipun, aku bukanlah seorang ahli ekologi, jauh sekali botani. Lantas dalam kepala aku congask bahawa kehadiran aku tak mungkin dilihat begitu penting.

Tapi ternyata anggaran aku kurang tepat bila Christine menelefon pada hari kursus. “Attendance is compulsory for all UEH staff.. We’ll wait for you, so come on!”

Aku terlupa. I’m a geneticist working for an ecologist..

Lalu dengan berbaju kurung aku mengikut jejak encik Abu Husin – pengendali kursus kami – ke dalam trel hutan simpan FRIM. Hari tu kami belajar mengenali pokok-pokok dari keluarga euphorbiaceae yang banyak terdapat di hutan tropika. Antara pokok popular dari family ni termasuklah pokok getah, pokok berbunga dan ubi keledek.

Sebelum bermula, En. Abu mengingatkan supaya kami memberi sepenuh perhatian. “Tree identification bukan senang. Kalau lalai nanti tak dapat. Saya tahu kita semua puasa, tapi puasa pun boleh belajar juga.”

Dalam hati aku kata: No hal! Belek daun jer pun. Cuba try DNA extraction..

Haish, sifat takabbur ni memang selalu menunggu untuk menjatuhkan hamba-hambaNya.

Masuk saja trel aku diberikan satu dahan yang dipenuhi daun. Menurut En. Abu, corak daun seperti itu dipanggil compound. Aku teliti sikit, aku angguk tanda faham. Kacang. Next example.

Dahan seterusnya mempunyai corak daun yang lebih kurang sama dengan yang sebelumnya, lalu tanpa berfikir aku menjawab, “Compound!”

“Salah tu.. corak daun seperti ini dipanggil simple.”

Serius aku cakap, tak ada bezanya contoh kedua tu dari contoh yang pertama. En. Abu minta kami kenali dahan dan ranting, yang dapat membezakan corak daun. Soalnya, yang mana satu dahan, dan yang mana pula ranting? Dua-dua pun banyak daun juga!

And that’s when all hell broke loose..

Makin jauh ke dalam trel, aku, Christine dan Joann makin keliru. Aku rasa kalau saat tu aku jadi renjer hutan, aku la yang paling hampeh. Mesti aku akan duduk depan satu pokok berjam-jam lamanya, semata-mata nak belek daun. Ceh, asal coraknya saja aku dah termangu. Tu belum masuk bab bentuk daun, jumlah urat dan stipules.

Corak daun nampak sama tapi owh so tak serupa!

Setengah jam berjalan tangan aku dah penuh dengan contoh daun dan dahan/ranting. Berkali-kali En. Abu menyoal, menilai kefahaman kami. Tapi aku main teka jawapannya. Kadang-kadang betul, selalunya salah. Lama-lama, kesabaran aku menipis.

“En. Abu, ni saja ke caranya nak ID pokok? Tengok daun saja?”

“Tak,” jawabnya spontan, sedikit defensif. Serta-merta aku rasa bersalah. “Oh.. boleh tunjukkan cara lain tak En. Abu? Mungkin cara yang lebih senang orang bebal cam saya ni nak faham,” aku sengih.

Dia tersenyum jahat. Apparently selain daun, spesis pokok juga boleh dikenalpasti dari segi buah, bunga, corak kulit, getah pokok, jenis akar, dahan, tanah, aras tinggi—

Ooookay... menyesal aku tanya!

I have to say though, despite the difficulties I was having a blast! Aku tak berapa faham tentang tree identification, but I will never look at a tree the same way again, that's for sure! Dan kalau tak dapat apa pun, sekurang-kurangnya aku dapat luangkan masa berjalan dalam hutan, sesuatu yang dah jarang aku lakukan sejak terpaksa berada di makmal. Forest and nature is what I enjoy most in life, and to be a part of it again even for just an hour did a lot to lift my mood.

Dan yang paling penting, aku belajar hargai kecekalan renjer-renjer FRIM yang banyak menghabiskan masa melakukan kerja-kerja renyah-tapi-perlu macam ni. Bayangkan, aku tuding jari ke mana-mana pokok, dan mereka akan ID bukan saja spesis, malah genus, family serta kegunaan komersil. Tahap kemahiran macam tu tak mungkin aku dapat dengan hanya sejam dua belajar..

Dalam perjalanan keluar trel aku mencuit Christine. Dia memandang aku, seperti sangat tahu yang aku tak puas hati dengan proses pembelajaran hari ni. “Can’t wait to get back to the lab, huh?” she guessed, waiting for the definite Yes.

I couldn't help it. I jump at every opportunity of proving this woman wrong..

“Actually, I was going to ask you when the next Jalan-Jalan Cari Daun will be.”

Doing it wrong, learning it right..

“Are you sure?” dia tanya lagi.

“Betul la tu,” aku angguk, separa yakin. Ada sesuatu dalam suaranya yang buat aku rasa was-was.

Sekali lagi mataku tertumpu kepada buku lab yang sedang asyik diteliti Dr. Kevin, supervisor makmal aku. Berkali-kali dia menyelak helaiannya, sekejap ke jadual resipi master mix PCR aku, sekejap ke gambar gel electrophoresis terkini. Gambar yang nampak sangat tak betulnya.

Dari segi fizikal, seperti PCR aku berjaya. Jalur DNA marker COI nampak terang-benderang atas gel tu. Bila aku tunjukkan ke warga makmal, semua menepuk tahniah bahu aku. Tapi, sebab aku liat nak puas hati, lama aku belek gambar dalam tangan. Perhati punya perhati, baru aku sedar, semua DNA marker aku hanyut ke takuk 100 bp, walhal saiz sebenar sepatutnya di tangga 600. Marker aku tak cukup lagi 500 base pairs…

Sah la ada yang tak kena.

Tiba-tiba Kevin tergelak. Aku makin tak suka dengan keadaan. Dia menuding ke gambar gel. “Ni bukan marker la. Ni semua very impressive-looking primer dimer saja!”

Mata aku tak beralih dari buku, tapi dalam hati aku merungut. Kevin, ko biar betul.. band secantik tu ko bilang sampah? Hampeh!

Namun di luar hati aku ‘oh’kan saja. Aku lebih interested untuk faham di mana kesilapan aku. Lain yang aku tuju, lain pulak yang aku dapat. Kalau berterusan macam ni, menangis la Dr. Christine. Tentu sekali projek ni takleh nak siap sebelum hujung tahun ni. Projek yang paling mahal pernah FRIM sponsor, tersangkut.

Projek yang kesimpulannya terletak betul-betul atas kepala otak aku.

“So, what happened?” aku bertanya, mahu cepat membetulkan kesalahan. Dia tersengih dan kembali ke jadual master mix PCR. Aku teliti resipinya. Resipi yang aku kenali sejak zaman undergrad lagi. “So?”

“Kamu tak nampak apa yang salah?”

“Tak.”

“Tak!?”

“Kevin!”

Dia tergelak lagi, lalu mengajak aku duduk di meja makmal. Di lembaran kosong buku lab aku dia mula menyonteng penjelasan. Makin lama muka aku makin panas menahan malu. Banyak betul yang aku buat salah. Apa saja yang aku faham selama ni, aku pun tak tau. Dari soal dilution ke sample volume, semua aku screw up. Dammit!

Aku cuba mengingat. Ada tak Br. Kamarul ajar semua ni semasa Final Year Project dulu? Setahu aku, tak. Yang penting waktu tu, aku faham apa nak buat dengan pelbagai kits yang diberikan. Apa yang ada, aku guna. Ikut manual. Tak payah susahkan otak.

Well, apparently that won't work anymore..

Kevin cukup sabar mengajar aku. Buku aku yang dulunya kemas kini berselerak dengan formula dan kira-kira. Tanpa aku sedari, kami dikerumuni warga makmal yang lain, semua mengikuti Kevin dengan penuh perhatian. Kak Yam selaku ketua RA makmal memeluk bahuku seraya berbisik; tak apa, kitaorang pun sedang belajar juga.

Dan dengan begitu saja, rasa seganku hilang. Kita semua pelajar, tak kisahlah setinggi mana kita pergi. There’s always room for mistakes; to learn and grow. Aku tak salahkan sesiapa atas kekurangan aku. Aku sedar, Br. Kamarul banyak memberi peluang untuk belajar, cuma aku yang kurang peka.

Kadangkala kita kena asuh diri sendiri. Kamu faham? Contohnya, aku tahu aku ni degil. Keras kepala. Selalu ingin betul. Sindrom anak sulung. Tapi, sampai satu tahap aku tak boleh ambil ringan keangkuhan aku. Sampai masa aku harus akur yang aku kekurangan, dan beri laluan kepada yang lebih mengetahui untuk memimpin.

It’s not easy to admit one’s deficiencies. But in the greater scheme of things, a little groveling goes a long way in giving us what we all deserve; a chance at understanding life.

You know it's time to take a break when......

...........your parents' obligations becomes yours.

My mum was asleep by 2 a.m. last night, leaving me to tie up the loose ends of her research presentation well into the wee hours of dawn. An economist I am not, but I swear, by 8 a.m. this morning I had become an expert on Watershed Valuation and Opportunity Cost Analysis..

Of course, I also became the walking dead.. I shuffled about the CBioD National Stakeholders' Workshop completely out of focus, and slept through most of the morning's presenters.

I was only awake for my mother's turn, where I proceeded to spend the next thirty minutes clutching at my chest and mouthing the powerpoint slides along with her word for word, willing her not to falter.

Her RAs regarded me with mild disgust and sympathy... For puck's sakes, I'd spent the entire weekend crafting my mum's frigging research-output powerpoints for her! What did they expect!?

On the one hand I always ask myself, "Is there anything you can't do?" but the other hand keeps yelling, "Well, stop offering what you can!"

*Sigh* Say what you will, inner spirits.. But offer them I must.

I came home from work yesterday evening with a trunkload worth of groceries, thanks to my excursion at the pasar malam. Our fridge and pantry were almost empty, and it seems I was the only one with time, budget and attention to dwindling details to give a damn.

Kak Yati - our faithful maid - took the goods from me without so much as a word. I read the soft expression on her face and I knew what she was thinking and I was slightly afraid of all the things she's seen in my family and what she thought of them.

But, to her credit she's been very sweet to me lately. Always offering to do little things; always obliging. If that wasn't a sign of kind understanding, I didn't know what was.

Haish, be thankful you people have parents who are.. well, parents..

Heck, just be thankful you're not 27 sporting premature wrinkles and grey hairs and we'll call it a day!

Mari aku kenalkan: ni la dia projek Masters aku yang telah dicadangkan USM dan UNIMAS. Tambah kelawar spesis Hipposideros bicolor, DNA sampling di kontinen dan kepulauan tertentu atas map tuh, dan analisa phylogeografi tahap dewa.

Mantap? Tunggu aku explain sikit dulu..

The above map illustrates the Sunda and Sahul shelves, which existed during last ice age, about 17000 years ago. These shelves came about with the presence of two land bridges; the Sunda land bridge, which connected much of Southeast Asia to Mainland Asia, and the Sahul land bridge, which connected Australia to the neigboring New Zealand. Between the two shelves is an area called Wallacea, named after the famed biologist Alfred Russel Wallace, who noted that biota on the Wallacean islands did not resemble the biota from iether of the shelves flanking them.

Jadi, apa pentingnya rak Sunda, rak Sahul dan Wallacea?

Pertama, dengan timbulnya titian tanah Sunda dan Sahul, sedikit sebanyak kita dapat mendalami corak penghijrahan flora dan fauna di masa lampau, sekurang-kurangnya di benua Asia. Kedua, kita dapat melihat kesan terhadap flora dan fauna apabila titian-titian tanah ini tenggelam berikutan kenaikan paras air laut yang kekal ke hari ini; kesan seperti evolusi, adaptasi, kepupusan, ataupun kehadiran spesis unik di kontinen atau kepulauan tertentu saja (endemism). Ketiga, penyelidikan seperti ini dapat memberi impak pada usaha pemeliharaan sedia ada, dengan mengenalpasti kawasan biodiversiti tinggi yang harus dilindungi.

Sekian penerangan.

Tengok penjelasan macam aku faham... kan? Don't let that fool you!

Setiap kali aku tengok peta tu, otak aku serabut. Bukan sebab aku tak faham, tapi sebab terlampau banyak faktor yang harus aku ambil kira. Itu baru masalah logistik. Ni fauna of interest tak cerita lagi ni. Genetics tah ke mana. mtDNA? microsatellites? SNPs?? HAISH!

Nak tulis proposal pun aku tak tahu nak mula dari mana. Setiap kali aku buka Word minda aku jadi beku. Jadi aku pandang je la skrin putih tu, sampai mata aku berair dan kabur..

Dr. Azizah masih menunggu. Mr. T dah penat menanti. Dr. Christine dah tak sabar-sabar lagi.

Stop having so much faith in me! I'm only human!!

Postscript: Kawan-kawan, aku merayu.. jom la kita pi cuti! (=_=)

Pending Nuptials

It was 11:30 pm when my cellphone rang. I picked up the call, muttering an automatic salam while trying to shake off enough sleep for a coherent conversation. With whomever it was at the other end of the line.

“Kak Sofie… Along ni.”

Oh. Right. Along.

Our families are very close, Along’s and mine. Her mother was my mum’s older sister, and my favorite aunt. We grew up practically in each other’s homes; we were each other’s support system and lifeline when things were rough. And when we lost her mother to cancer three years ago, that lifeline became essential as my family struggled to keep a strong hold on Along, her siblings and their mu’alaf father.

Our familial relationship meant we were cousins. However, her growing up with me felt every bit like we were siblings.

My mind flew back briefly to the phone conversation between my mum and her dad earlier in the evening. He had invited—no, requested our family’s presence at a risik meeting for Along this weekend. My mother was to take the place of my late aunt in the upcoming discussions.

My mum accepted the task, as a devoted sister and stand-in mother would. But I thought she seemed a tad sad about it. And I think I know why.

Her first experience in marrying off a daughter will, unfortunately, not start with her own brood.

I know she feels a bit apprehensive. I am the eldest grandchild of the family, and although the phrase langkah bendul doesn’t immediately come to mind, that’s essentially what it is, isn’t it? I’d been beside my mother when she ended the conversation, and her eyes told me so much when she looked at me. I didn’t want her to pull me down that depressing road, so I cut her off by teasing her about what good practice it’ll be for when my time finally comes. If it ever.

My mother never pressured me into marriage. I was sure her silence on the subject was due to her respect for my feelings, and faith that I would find my own way to the altar someday, somehow. I’ve always been the independent one after all. And my father? well, he’s only too happy to see me remain unattached. Something about always being daddy’s little girl.

Honestly, the opposite sex – and all that that entails – was never my forte. Outside of friendship and camaraderie, I really didn’t understand guys. I was always their older sister, their friend, their confidant. Relationships beyond these perimeters were locked doors and off limits to me.

Oh, not that I’ve never tried gaining access. Believe me, I’d risked it enough to hurt.

I’ve watched the way my female colleagues deal with the men where we worked. All the silly banter and witty comebacks and subtle signals. I thought, what man in his right mind would be attracted to so much nonsense? And yet…

It drew them like moths to a flame. All of them.

I didn’t banter. I wasn’t sharp enough for witty comebacks. And according to reliable sources, I am completely oblivious to signals of any kind! I’d proven this true by observing the men whenever they were in my presence. At best, some were polite and conversational. At worst, I was ignored altogether. Guess it's nothing but business with Miss Shaaruddin...

Perhaps my grandmother was the one to put it most delicately. It had me and my mother laughing when we heard what she had to say. It also secretly made my mother an emotional wreck not long after that.

Anak kau sorang yang tak laku.

Truthful words. Short and effective. And my dear cousin’s pending nuptial is only one of so many chances my grandma has had to prove it.

What else can I do but laugh?

Haish, somebody gimme a big fat hug!

What A Girl Wants

Note: A close friend’s recent post encouraged this entry.

When you want something, the entire universe conspires to make it happen.

It was never my intention to give up UNIMAS. I could go so far as saying I was forced to give it up. FRIM was not willing to let me leave the peninsula for my MSc studies, citing communication difficulties and the possible ‘clash of interest’ between it and UNIMAS as some of the many foreseeable problems.

It also didn’t help that my FRIM supervisor kept looking like she was having a coronary whenever I mentioned a certain professor from the school. A professor I’d been in contact with for the past year and a half. A professor who humbly asked me to call him “Mr. T” instead of the formality he deserves.

A professor I would kill to have on my panel of advisors for Masters.

So I threw my fate to faith and went searching for a molecular ecology expert closer to home. I was really disappointed, mind you. My search was half-hearted. I was surfing some insignificant website (insignificant because I can’t remember what it was) when I stumbled upon a weblink to USM in Penang. Yeah, Penang is good. Very far from FRIM! I thought vindictively as I clicked on the link.

I love the USM website, by the way. Its straight-forwardness led me directly to what I was looking for. Scrolling through the academic staff list at the School of Biological Sciences website, my eyes fell upon a sweet looking lady with a title that made my smile stretch a mile wide.

Associate Professor Dr. Siti Azizah Mohd. Nor
(Molecular Ecology and Population Genetics)

Supervisor: FOUND!

She was no expert when it came to bats though. Not like Mr. T. Her profile stated that she worked mostly with marine fish, and dabbled a little with insect DNA before that. But I wasn’t about to be picky. I liked her, and that was a good start. In any case, my RAship scheme had already commenced and I was in no position to bicker about the choice of experts this late in the game. I needed a supervisor quick, and she was the best I could come up with on such short notice.

So I sent her an email that afternoon. I was thinking it might take a while; I’ve written to several potential supervisors before, only to have my emails answered a few weeks later, if not at all. But I guess faith had a lot to teach me, for I received her reply the very next morning.

The email was short, but exhilarating! She was interested in what I was doing, and wanted to speak personally with me about them. She gave me a number to call and the suitable time, and thanked me for my interest.

If you don’t already know, I’m really big on physical relationships. I like meeting people and getting to know them up close and personal. It’s my way of understanding friends and what they want; what they need. I suppose that also explains my lack of interest in virtual community platforms such as friendster, twitter or facebook.

I know, I know.. it’s fun as hell to leave messages and play games and virtually poke, kidnap, buy or sell each other in the spirit of friendship. But it hardly tells me anything about a person, much less anything I could trust.

The fact that Dr. Azizah was asking to speak with me showed me she cared for my education, at least that much. Looking at her impressive academic background and list of publications, I felt I should be formal, courteous and straight to the point.

But she caught me off-guard. She was laughing the moment I called, asking me good-naturedly about my experiences and future goals. She was bright, friendly and infectious; the kind of people to put you at ease in any given situation. My kind of people.

Don’t get me wrong though. She was no slack, either. Her tone of voice, though merry, bid me to prove to her that I am worthy of her tutelage. So while I felt relaxed around her, it was never to the point where I forgot who she was, or the purpose of our conversation.

The highlight of our little chat came when I told her about my project involving bats. She was quiet throughout my explanation, and when I was done she asked me a question that nearly thwarted my spirit.

“Why are you asking me for a supervisor? I think a bright young lady like you should know by now that UNIMAS is the best place for you.”

Uh-huh. Tell me something I don’t know, lady.

“I have a contact there I can get you in touch with,” she went on. “His name is professor Tajuddin… People like to call him Mr. T?”

No shit.

My head hurt. I felt like I’d gone back to square one, which was not where I wanted to end up when I started this conversation. So I launched into a lengthy play-by-play of my situation with FRIM and my futile efforts of getting to UNIMAS, or the famed Mr.T. I figured if there was any time or anyone I could appeal to for help; now was the time, and this woman was it.

She laughed at my predicament, but set to solving my problems immediately.

“That’s alright then. You take me on as supervisor, and I’ll talk to Mr. T and see if we can’t elect him as your co.. deal?”

When you want something, the entire universe conspires to make it happen.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am now living proof of the above statement.

What my mother wants from my new job!

“Pi.. Nanti dapat gaji, belikan mama yang tu!”

Hn. This was becoming a regular request. Not good. Definitely not good.

Us girls - that includes me, my mum, my grandma and Pura - were at an electronic store in boisterous Tampin, looking for a new food processor to replace the one that went haywire in my grandma’s kitchen. Getting that one thing was easy enough. We pick, we pay, we leave.

The problem? The multiple decks of other, unnecessarily gleaming appliances. The kind that tends to glue the butts of housewives to the electronics aisle for that much longer.

My mother isn’t one. A housewife, I mean. Making a career out of practical spending, her perusal through these aisles was methodical. An economist at heart, she wasn’t into the window shopping, pay-on-credit lifestyle so shamelessly popular these days. She firmly believed in cold hard cash. It was either that or nothing.

I followed her to the back of the store, where the shelves were lined with microwaves and ovens. I saw her eyes glazed over as she fingered each and every one of them, no doubt reliving her golden baking days. She’d been trying to revive the era for some time now, what with the constant disposal of fresh recipes onto my lap every time she came home from work. I’d gotten to wondering what she really does at the office.

Her eyes settled on a particularly large piece, tastefully clad in black with cute dials and steel rungs and glass windows. It’s an impressive machine, and at the back of my mind I wished she would buy it. The price was worth about a third of my pay, but I know she would never settle for that. Haggling with the shop owner for ten minutes, she managed to move the price down to about a fifth of my pay.

I was marveling at her cool negotiating skills too, when she suddenly told me that it would actually come from my pay! (-_-)v

Haish…

I am no stranger to household financial responsibility. Frankly, I’d taken the family’s bread winner #3 position more seriously when I began my job stint a little over a year ago. In those days I’d help out with bills, groceries and other household amenities – internet, postpaid – whenever I can. I wasn’t free to do as I please with what cash I have, but I wasn’t completely bound to these duties either.

These days though, they were becoming more and more routine. I could only symbolize it as a mother’s pride at seeing her eldest daughter settled in her career (either that or marriage *shivers*). And the fact that I am now working in the same organization as she is makes it seem all the more heaven-sent.

Some would say that’s a good thing. Being my mother’s daughter certainly has its advantages. Besides, most of the senior officers at work knew me back when I was still in diapers (heck, my director has seen me naked!), so my joining the team was more a family affair than a new job. Of course, that didn’t mean I was free to do as I please. But it does make official procedures and other little administrative quirks go over much, much smoother.. *evil grin*

Despite that, my esteemed post came with heavy baggage in tow. I am my mother’s daughter after all, and that alone makes for juicy office scandal. I had filled one of only a handful of positions that were coveted by hundreds of other applicants – positions that were suspended pending a review – and of which, I was the only applicant to pass through. So, it’s only natural for people to assume I came into the post through my mother’s influences, seeing as she is a senior research officer.

For the record, this was not the case. In fact, my familial connection to the organization was only realized during the later stages of my application process. Ironically, it was my supervisor’s cunning influence that won me the job. She needed my help to start her DNA project, and couldn’t wait for the review board as her project deadline loomed near. Stating time as a crucial factor, she pushed for my immediate appointment to the post.

It would be three agonizing months before they would relent and give her what she wants. But they relented, which made me wonder of the kind of power and capabilities now presiding over my professional life. The power I deign to call my boss..

After my new job, my mum seemed visibly relaxed. She was a lot less worried about things, and I realized the kind of strain she must have endured since my father’s retirement two years ago. Since then she’d been the sole breadwinner with much to carry on her shoulders, and that burden was beginning to weigh her down considerably.

Still, she was never one to give up. In all that turmoil she remained patient of my father’s post-retirement ‘need to be free’ attitude, and of my siblings with their sometimes infantile behavior and gross academic roller-coasters and financial antics. For all that she has been through, my mum was definitely worthy of redemption.

I didn’t get to buy her the oven that day. But as the rest of the women file out towards the car, I leaned sideways over the payment counter, trying my best at a conspirational grin.

“Taukeh,” I whispered. “Lain kali wa datang mau angkat itu oven, lu kasi harga tadi la.. RM300, okeh?”