Thursday, 18 October 2012

House hunting: food for thought


A new home?
Always Intimidating. 

A new home where I'm the new house-mate? 
Positively Nerve-Wrecking.

The demanding new job that caused me to move to the new home, giving me new freedom to meddle in other people's lives without worrying about curfews and naggy parents? 



Tuesday, 14 August 2012

To begin again

"There's always gonna be another mountain; I'm always gonna wanna make it move."

The first time I felt real fear of the unknown, it was right after a recce trip to Lanchang Pahang, where I would end up spending my whirlwind three-month practical training days. 

The fear hadn't really set in until I had my butt safely at edge of my bunkbed, thinking over and over again of the isolation and hard work I'd be facing over the next few months. I had wanted to become a wild child, so a stint at the jungle-deep national biodiversity center had seemed appropriate. But nothing could have prepared me for even just a preview of it; the overnight visit had left me feeling as if I'd finally bitten off more than I could chew. I remembered thinking I must be nuts, and that I should forfeit the placement immediately. Surely training at the local zoo would be much more fun, and more suitable for the physically challenged girl I thought I was.

That fear was a very long time ago. A good six years. As it turned out, Lanchang had a lot to teach me about having faith in myself; that I was good enough, and that my dreams were well within reach. Finally, I had learned to try. I had learned to give everything a chance before I count myself unable. I made it so I had little reason to be afraid of what lay ahead.

Until now.

Work wise, I'm changing directions. I can't honestly say it is where I want to be at the moment, and that alone is scaring me to bits. It's not so much the fear that I wouldn't be able to perform my new-found duties. Honestly, I have enough confidence in my abilities where the job is concerned. It's just, I can't shake the feeling that I am somehow shirking my one true path, and it weighs heavily on my chest. I know, I should give it a try; who knows I might like it? If anything, I'll have the experience. And it'll certainly look good on my resume.

I just wish I could be rid of this sinking feeling every time I think about it, ya know?