Haih, aku nak CUTI!

Dah seminggu rutin tidur aku terganggu.

Buat julung kalinya aku nak kena present research progress di hadapan warga professional FRIM. Sepatutnya tak ada masalah. Projek aku berjalan lebih kurang lancar. Walaupun hasilnya belum lagi jelas, namun banyak improvements.

Tapi aku tengok supervisor aku macam ada tujuan lain untuk Project Evaluation Meeting ni. Dia tak cakap banyak, tapi dari cara dia teliti slide presentation projek aku, aku dah nampak apa yang bermain dalam benak dia.

This is my debut. My biggest chance at making a good first impression. Orang dah banyak mengata; aku dapat kerja sebab aku anak staf. Ihsan majikan. Aku kira sedikit sebanyak tempiasnya akan kena juga pada penyelia. Jadi nilah masanya aku nak perbetulkan tanggapan orang. Aku ada substance; aku boleh contribute.

I've been hired on good merits, not excellent 'cables'..

On the other hand, aku naik rimas lagi menyampah untuk sentiasa pertahankan diri. Tak boleh ke kalau aku biarkan je? Lantaklah orang nak kata apa. Yang penting aku tak serabut.

Malangnya aku tak hidup dalam dunia sendiri - that was the case during my undergrad years. Bila dah kerja ni semua perkara ada penilaian. Ada laporan dan dokumentasi. ISO gitu.. macam aku ni takde lain kerjanya hanya berdiri di hujung telunjuk.

At least 'No' used to be an option. These days..

Conversations..

38 hours before flight check-in

Author: Hello?

Mum: When are you coming home? this really isn't a good time for you to be going off on vacation. I'm leaving for Argentina tomorrow night! I haven't packed, I need to buy shoes and toiletries and food—

Author: You think I'm here on vacation!?

Mum: You could have put this off. It's not so important for you to be in Penang right now! I need help with my things! Have you taken a look at the presentation slides I sent you? did you fix it?

Author: I thought I said I'll get it done and e-mail it to you...

Mum: And when will that be? I haven't got much time! When are you meeting your supervisor?

Author: This afternoon, 3 pm.

Mum: You can still drive back to KL after that, can't you?

Author: I don't know how long the meeting will take. And If I do go back tonight, I'd have to send Ann to UKM first. It'll be too late for her to catch the komuter. Besides, I booked the hotel for two days. They don't give refunds..

Mum: You're not going to help me, are you? Kamu memang sengaja nak tinggalkan mama terkonteng-konteng dengan semua ni. Eloklah tu..

Author: ...

Click.


27 hours before flight check-in

R&R Tapah, Perak.

Author: Hello, assalamualaikum..

Mum: Where are you?

Author: Kat kedai makan.

Mum: Did you meet your supervisor?

Author: Yeah, she's really nice!

Mum: What time did you finish?

Author: *sigh* Around 4 pm..

Mum: See? You could have made it back to KL tonight! And I didn't receive anything from you in the e-mail. You didn't even look at the slides, did you.. memang tak endahkan cakap mama.

Author: ...

Mum: Esok you'll take your own sweet time driving back to KL, while I'm here handling all this by myself. Papa kamu tak boleh harap. Kamu pun— *bip bip bip!*

Phone died. Forgot to bring charger.


24 hours before flight check-in

Kolej Zaaba, UKM Bangi

Pa: Hello!

Author: Hello pa... papa buat apa tu?

Pa: Tengah tengok TV. Kenapa?

Author: Nanti jangan kunci gate depan tau. Tunggu Opie balik ya.

Pa: Hah!? kamu kat mana ni?

Author: Tunggu la. Lagi 45 minit Opie sampai.

Pa: Kamu dah dekat Tanjung Malim dah!? Kenapa balik malam-malam buta macam ni? Kan tak elok—

Author: Uh... Yeah... banyak kerja la. Mama buat apa tu?

Pa: Mama kamu dah berdengkur.

Author: ...


12 hours before flight check-in

Amar: Hello?

Author: Wey, bukan ke ko janji dengan mama nak balik temankan dia shopping hari ni?

Amar: aku nak balik la ni.

Author: *pissed* Takyah la balik Mar. Matahari nak tenggelam dah. Buang masa je.

Amar: Woi! aku banyak kerja la, faham tak?

Author: Ko ingat ko sorang je yang banyak kerja? Duduk sekangkang kera dari rumah suruh balik sikit punya susah! Aku yang dari Penang.. haish, tak payah balik! biar aku handle mama!

Amar: Aku memang kena balik, Long.

Author: Buat apa?

Amar: Malam ni aku ada jemputan kahwin kat damansara..

Click!


5 hours before flight check-in

One Utama, Old Wing

Author: Hello?

Amree: Wey... ko kat mana ni?

Author: Kat OU, cari kasut mama. Ko nak apa?

Amree: Wey, aku takleh nak draw duit kat CIMB la. ATM kat Dungun ni bengong.. Ko dah masukkan duit dalam akaun Bank Islam aku?

Author: Dah. Did it this morning.. lagi?

Amree: Um, mintak top-up bleh? hehe.

Click!


3 hours before flight check-in

64, Jalan Bukit Maluri 7

Safura: Hello! How was Penang?

Author: I'm not in the mood to talk about it right now..

Safura: Why? what are you doing?

Author: Packing mum's bag..

Safura: Owh.. I'm sorry. But aren't you a little late? Shouldn't she be at the airport in like.. now?

Author: *sigh* can you do me a favor, hunny? your abang Amree needs top-up, and since I can't get to the shops right now, can you buy him one? He's been giving me messages non-stop.

Safura: What!? Woman, I just topped him up not two minutes ago! The little—

Author: ...


1 hour before flight check-in

KLIA, international departure area

VJ: This can't be happening.. I reminded him, dammit!

Author: Wait.. You're not going to Argentina?

VJ: I can't! He's the project director. How can I go without my boss? it's not my show! I told him over and over again that our flight is tonight, not tomorrow night! It's impossible for him to prepare now.. we've only got two hours left before departure!

Author: But VJ, that means my mum will be leaving for Argentina alone. Without you as guide..

VJ: Yes I know, and I'm sorry. But this is RM 100,000 going down the drain; that's how much we've paid for this event! Please understand; I don't want to be held responsible. I've done my part!

Author: It's okay. My mum will be okay. Right now, just brief her on what she needs to know. Give her all the information you have.

VJ: Yes.. and I'll make sure someone from the Malaysian embassy in Buenos Aires will be waiting for her at the airport when she arrives. They'll make sure she makes it safe to the hotel and to the conference the next morning.

Author: Great! She'll be fine, VJ..

VJ: I'm so sorry Dr. Ismariah. I just can't do this. I can't go..

Mum: That's okay. I'll make it. Just make sure someone from the embassy will be waiting for me in Buenos Aires, ya? that will be a big help..

VJ: I'll make damn sure!

Author: Boy, Dr. Sam is in a lot of trouble now, isn't he?


20 minutes after flight check-in

En route, North-South Expressway

Author: Hello?

Mum: P, can you try contacting VJ for me?

Author: What? But I don't have her number. Why, what's wrong?

Mum: I'm at the departure gate. The flight isn't boarding yet. I want to know something.

Author: What's that?

Mum: I mean, since she and Dr. Sam aren't coming, can I upgrade my ticket to business class?

Author: ...

Dear potential half of my soul,

My head is about to explode. I got enough on my mind as is, without you taking up permanent residence. I mean, would it kill you to just show up? What is the big deal that needs me to continue waiting for you? Jump out of the friggin' box already, dammit! I can't stand the suspense..

Thing is, I see things.. and I see you in them. Things I like, things I don't like, stuff we share with people, stuff we don't share at all, or only with each other and behind closed doors. There are moments I'd like to relive for the rest of my life with you, and I'm hoping you'll indulge me once we're.. you know...

It's not enough, I know. Heck, I'm not enough! Don't you think it scares me? That there are rules and restrictions to this? You're waiting for me to meet the standards.. I have my own, just so you know. I want to be everything. The quiet place; the panic room. The storm-shielding cove. I know, that's probably your job.. but why be normal? I am stronger than you think.. which is not the most endearing trait for a supposedly vulnerable being, I'm sure.. but it's one of the only things I know well how to be.

I've always wanted to be the one to start it. I've missed out on so many chances and so many good things because I preferred to keep my mouth shut and stick to the rules, which I guess is understandable given my.. uh.. situation... But regardless, every time I lose, it keeps getting harder to quell the pain; to forget; to continue believing I'm still worthy.

I guess the only upside to this is that I'm brilliant at steering myself towards the positive. I tell myself, "nope, it's not the right time/the right place/the right guy/the right me, yet." Go figure. But then again, it's always easier to convince yourself that you're in control, isn't it? The feeling that it was you who made the choice, rather than having it forced on you to swallow whole..

Look deeper. It's all I ask. I'm not sure what it is you're supposed to be searching for, or if I even have it. But I'm very sure of one thing: I'll be the one to fall for you first. The signs are obvious, you can't miss it. But once you get there, I beg of you.. don't come so close if you don't intend on staying or if you've got something else in mind or think you and I could somehow be platonic.. Don't be so nice if it's what you think will help ease the guilt for feeling that you've made a big mistake.. it's not a good idea, trust me.. It may look okay on the surface, but you're clueless of the damages.

I'm a positive and cheerful person.. too bad that won't stop me from bleeding.


Love,
Your potential other half