Tuesday, 14 August 2012

To begin again

"There's always gonna be another mountain; I'm always gonna wanna make it move."

The first time I felt real fear of the unknown, it was right after a recce trip to Lanchang Pahang, where I would end up spending my whirlwind three-month practical training days. 

The fear hadn't really set in until I had my butt safely at edge of my bunkbed, thinking over and over again of the isolation and hard work I'd be facing over the next few months. I had wanted to become a wild child, so a stint at the jungle-deep national biodiversity center had seemed appropriate. But nothing could have prepared me for even just a preview of it; the overnight visit had left me feeling as if I'd finally bitten off more than I could chew. I remembered thinking I must be nuts, and that I should forfeit the placement immediately. Surely training at the local zoo would be much more fun, and more suitable for the physically challenged girl I thought I was.

That fear was a very long time ago. A good six years. As it turned out, Lanchang had a lot to teach me about having faith in myself; that I was good enough, and that my dreams were well within reach. Finally, I had learned to try. I had learned to give everything a chance before I count myself unable. I made it so I had little reason to be afraid of what lay ahead.

Until now.

Work wise, I'm changing directions. I can't honestly say it is where I want to be at the moment, and that alone is scaring me to bits. It's not so much the fear that I wouldn't be able to perform my new-found duties. Honestly, I have enough confidence in my abilities where the job is concerned. It's just, I can't shake the feeling that I am somehow shirking my one true path, and it weighs heavily on my chest. I know, I should give it a try; who knows I might like it? If anything, I'll have the experience. And it'll certainly look good on my resume.

I just wish I could be rid of this sinking feeling every time I think about it, ya know?