Dear potential half of my soul,

My head is about to explode. I got enough on my mind as is, without you taking up permanent residence. I mean, would it kill you to just show up? What is the big deal that needs me to continue waiting for you? Jump out of the friggin' box already, dammit! I can't stand the suspense..

Thing is, I see things.. and I see you in them. Things I like, things I don't like, stuff we share with people, stuff we don't share at all, or only with each other and behind closed doors. There are moments I'd like to relive for the rest of my life with you, and I'm hoping you'll indulge me once we're.. you know...

It's not enough, I know. Heck, I'm not enough! Don't you think it scares me? That there are rules and restrictions to this? You're waiting for me to meet the standards.. I have my own, just so you know. I want to be everything. The quiet place; the panic room. The storm-shielding cove. I know, that's probably your job.. but why be normal? I am stronger than you think.. which is not the most endearing trait for a supposedly vulnerable being, I'm sure.. but it's one of the only things I know well how to be.

I've always wanted to be the one to start it. I've missed out on so many chances and so many good things because I preferred to keep my mouth shut and stick to the rules, which I guess is understandable given my.. uh.. situation... But regardless, every time I lose, it keeps getting harder to quell the pain; to forget; to continue believing I'm still worthy.

I guess the only upside to this is that I'm brilliant at steering myself towards the positive. I tell myself, "nope, it's not the right time/the right place/the right guy/the right me, yet." Go figure. But then again, it's always easier to convince yourself that you're in control, isn't it? The feeling that it was you who made the choice, rather than having it forced on you to swallow whole..

Look deeper. It's all I ask. I'm not sure what it is you're supposed to be searching for, or if I even have it. But I'm very sure of one thing: I'll be the one to fall for you first. The signs are obvious, you can't miss it. But once you get there, I beg of you.. don't come so close if you don't intend on staying or if you've got something else in mind or think you and I could somehow be platonic.. Don't be so nice if it's what you think will help ease the guilt for feeling that you've made a big mistake.. it's not a good idea, trust me.. It may look okay on the surface, but you're clueless of the damages.

I'm a positive and cheerful person.. too bad that won't stop me from bleeding.


Love,
Your potential other half