Two days till convocation.

For a lot of people, the days leading up to such a momentous event seems - for lack of a better word - euphoric. The robes, the mortar, the formal family pics... I mean, it's not like one gets the chance to prance around in those freaky habits every day of the week, you know.. And the honor of such an occasion warrants considerable preparations; sacrificing money, time and often the sanity that comes with it. 

A little sister was melancholic recently. She's far from home, so I attributed her sad, philosophical musings to utter loneliness and the craving for an understanding soul. I know what it's like to come home to an empty (albeit tidy) room. There's always that sense of waiting... For what exactly, you don't really know -- or rather, you're too afraid to say aloud, partly because you don't want to hear the truth of the situation, and partly because you've chosen to be strong and willful every step of the way, regardless.

Don't worry friend. My state of mind isn't too far from yours at this point.

Worser still, I have everyone around me. I'm interacting: giving, taking, sharing. Everyday I'm meeting new friends and bonding with old ones. I'm getting somewhere in life; I'm on the right path, I think. Convocation is just two days away. Two days until we can crown ourselves graduates; two days till official license to take on the world.

And yet...

All I ever want to do is run. I want to lose myself; I want to get away. I feel hurt somehow, deep inside. And I am afraid... I'm afraid that one day, like some injured wild beast I will lash out. I will cross the line and inflict pain on others - physically, mentally, emotionally - especially to those who mean me no harm. I don't want that to happen. Ever. 

What am I searching for? I'm not searching; I've found it. But, it's telling me that I shouldn't have gone looking in the first place. It doesn't want to be found. At least, not by me.. I used to be able to read such signals long before anything should happen. I guess I'm growing old..