- For Those Who Knew Me Inside Out -

Post Convo Jitters

Berlenggang pulang dari majlis konvo, Cik Ann memberi komen:

“Kak Sofie, I feel like this is the end…”

Aku tersengih. Tiba-tiba aku teringatkan Ati. I know where the conversation was heading, and I know what I was supposed to say. Tapi, dalam suasana hujan dan dengan segala yang dah dilalui dari pagi, aku letih. Semangat aku waktu tu tak cukup untuk cuba pujuk Ann yang semacam resah.

In a sense, aku faham. Bila dah konvo, sekaligus kita mengakhiri satu zaman dalam hidup. Kita nak tutup tirai, nak buka buku baru. We all have to move on and let go. The past few weeks leading up to graduation has seen a lot of attempts at getting together; our final chance to make peace and give our best wishes. And perhaps - kalau berani - cuba mengatakan apa yang selama ini hanya meniti di bibir.

Seumur hidup aku, inilah persahabatan yang paling utuh. Terbiasa dengan hidup solitary, aku mulanya sangat tak pandai menerima kawan. Aku menjauh; aku buat hal sendiri. Tapi, ternyata tarikan dari 9 orang adik ni tak dapat aku tepis. Mereka pelik; mereka unik; dan paling penting: mereka selamba menerima aku…

Orang kata, tak kenal maka tak cinta. All I can say is that, dalam usaha kami mencintai satu sama lain, kami juga dah banyak mengumpat, mengeji, meluka dan menangis. Life isn’t always a bucket full of sunshine. But if we can come out of our troubles still holding on to each other, aku rasa itu sudah cukup menggambarkan kesungguhan semua untuk mengikat pertalian ni sampai bila-bila.

Aku tahu apa yang ditakutkan. Sebenarnya, kita semua takut rindu. Sebab, dengan rindu akan datang dua perasaan yang sangat dibenci: perasaan tersisih dan dilupakan... so, to keep from losing faith, aku perpegang pada kata-kata Nurul: selagi nama kita tersebut di dalam doa masing-masing, insyaallah kita tidak akan pernah lupa satu sama lain.

So, Cik Ann, this is the end... di sini chapter undergrad kita berakhir; Cerita Gombak, cerita Kuantan, cerita makan dan cerita hutan. Kita tutup buku dan labuhkan tirai.

Tapi.. begitu yang mula perlu berakhir, sama jugalah yang berakhir perlu bermula lagi. Turn the page and write a new script, with new characters and scenery. Nanti, somewhere along the line, akan terselit nama kita semua satu per satu, dengan identiti dan peranan yang baru dalam hidup satu sama lain.

Inilah cara kita move on. Not by letting go, but by accepting the fact that our presence in each other's lives is for always, whether we like it or not...!

Two days till convocation.

For a lot of people, the days leading up to such a momentous event seems - for lack of a better word - euphoric. The robes, the mortar, the formal family pics... I mean, it's not like one gets the chance to prance around in those freaky habits every day of the week, you know.. And the honor of such an occasion warrants considerable preparations; sacrificing money, time and often the sanity that comes with it. 

A little sister was melancholic recently. She's far from home, so I attributed her sad, philosophical musings to utter loneliness and the craving for an understanding soul. I know what it's like to come home to an empty (albeit tidy) room. There's always that sense of waiting... For what exactly, you don't really know -- or rather, you're too afraid to say aloud, partly because you don't want to hear the truth of the situation, and partly because you've chosen to be strong and willful every step of the way, regardless.

Don't worry friend. My state of mind isn't too far from yours at this point.

Worser still, I have everyone around me. I'm interacting: giving, taking, sharing. Everyday I'm meeting new friends and bonding with old ones. I'm getting somewhere in life; I'm on the right path, I think. Convocation is just two days away. Two days until we can crown ourselves graduates; two days till official license to take on the world.

And yet...

All I ever want to do is run. I want to lose myself; I want to get away. I feel hurt somehow, deep inside. And I am afraid... I'm afraid that one day, like some injured wild beast I will lash out. I will cross the line and inflict pain on others - physically, mentally, emotionally - especially to those who mean me no harm. I don't want that to happen. Ever. 

What am I searching for? I'm not searching; I've found it. But, it's telling me that I shouldn't have gone looking in the first place. It doesn't want to be found. At least, not by me.. I used to be able to read such signals long before anything should happen. I guess I'm growing old..

Need I Say More?

Note: this is the kind of conversation I'd love to have with my future someone, especially with the end result... ~.^

Big and Helpless

The moment aku nampak gambar ni dan baca ceritanya di laman Yahoo, aku menangis.

Baru dua tiga hari lepas, Ati di Sydney bercerita yang dia ternampak seekor ikan paus humpback bersama anaknya bermain off the coast of Coogee beach, di New South Wales. Masa tu aku terfikir betapa awesomenya ciptaan Tuhan, dan betapa bertuahnya Ati untuk berpeluang menyaksikannya.

Dalam berita malam semalam, however, anak ikan paus tu dah kehilangan ibunya, dan dilihat cuba 'menyusu' dengan sebuah kapal layar di Sydney. Kata wildlife experts, kalau dia tak dapat mencari ibunya atau ibu susu yang lain dalam beberapa hari ni, dia takkan hidup, because baby whales cannot survive without mother's milk for more than a few days.

Yang aku sangat sedih, kita manusia yang dilabel khalifah atas muka bumi pun, tak berdaya nak membantu dalam situasi macam ni. Bila dah jadi camni, baru betul-betul mengerti yang hanya Allah swt saja yang Maha Kuasa.

Lalu, aku pun berdoa. Sungguh-sungguh depan computer aku berdoa yang anak ikan ni akan dapat terus hidup. Hanya dengan cara itu saja aku dapat tenangkan fikiran.

This Is Me Having Faith

Argh!!! Aku ada blog!!!

Sebenarnya, aku tak reti blogging. Bukan saja tak reti... at some point, malah tak suka. The idea of letting others know what I think, how I feel; semua tu aku rasa bukanlah benda yang patut dikongsi. Sebab, more often than not, manusia ni gemar terlepas cakap..

Dalam kita seronok mengutarakan pendapat dan memberi pandangan, kita selalunya terlupa bahawa ada berbillion-billion lagi homo sapiens di atas lapisan kerak bumi ni yang tak kisah, tak setuju, lagi offended dengan luahan kita. Atas sebab itu saja, aku malas nak menulis. Kata omputih, The pen is mightier than the sword... dalam erti kata lain, blogging ni adalah satu risiko yang rasanya terlalu tinggi untuk aku tanggung.

The obvious question: Wey minah! Ni, yang ko toreh atas virtual page ni... amendenye?

The obvious answer: entah lah. Aku pun tak tahu. Atau mungkin, aku pun dah mula tak kisah..