It's all about the money!

“Long, ko jangan la ego sangat!”

Ego!? Tangan aku sikit lagi nak naik ke muka dia, tapi aku tahankan. Nak bercakap dengan anak jantan umur 27 tahun ni kena ada caranya. Terutama sekali yang tengah defensive nak pertahankan minatnya yang latest..

Minat yang cukup la aku tak setuju.

Sejak cuti sem aku dah mula rasa semacam. The twins balik cuti tapi dua-dua tak lekat di rumah. Keluar entah ke mana sampai pukul 3 – 4 pagi. Telefon bimbit kalau tak lekat di telinga mesti saja di hujung jari, SMS tak henti-henti.

Aku tahu mereka ada ‘bisnes’; some internet MLM thing.. Aku dan Pura yang dahulukan duit modalnya, tapi selain tu kami tak tahu apa-apa. Dah diaorang beriya, kami tak mampu nak tolak. We thought, biar la diaorang cuba cari side income sendiri.

Tapi bila tengok keadaan diaorang yang makin rancak grouping sana sini sampai ke subuh adam, aku mula rasa tak sedap hati. Parents aku tak tahu cerita. Walaupun mereka awalnya tak menegur, aku tahu mereka dah mula menghidu perkara tak elok. Bukan apa, kembar ni dua-dua masih lagi belum tamat pengajian. Kalau awal-awal lagi tumpuannya lebih kepada bisnes daripada buku, aku dah dapat forecast haluan adik-adik aku ni.

It ain’t good, that’s all I gotta say...

Bila dipecahkan tembelang, mak ayah aku naik angin. Lebih-lebih lagi bila the twins kata mahu tumpukan perhatian pada bisnes, nak buat MLM seumur hidup. Katanya, belajar tinggi-tinggi pun, gaji permulaan cuma tahap RM1500 sebulan. Nak kena belajar lagi kalau nak naik pangkat. Kerja makan gaji ni menyusahkan, asyik duduk bawah telunjuk orang. Tak ada future..

Katanya, dengan MLM boleh dapat financial freedom. Contoh sukses yang mereka beri? Remaja belasan tahun yang tak ada pelajaran tapi ada kereta mewah tiga empat biji, rumah banglo sana sini dan duit berjuta-juta dalam bank. Nah, dengan bisnes seuntung ini, kenapa perlu susah-susah nak belajar, nak dapat sijil..

Logik? Memang logik, kalau duit yang dijadikan kiblat mata hati.

Aku cuba mengembalikan pemikiran mereka ke arus normal, tapi langsung tak berkesan. Malah aku dianggap egois kerana enggan ‘bertukar mindset.’ Katanya aku tak pandai mengambil peluang, terlalu terikut-ikut dengan gaya hidup yang mementingkan ranking dan hierarchy. Yang paling aku tak dapat terima, bila mereka memperlekehkan ilmu dan seperti memperkecilkan impian aku dan Pura untuk belajar sampai ke peringkat tertinggi. Katanya aku hanya omong kosong tentang impian aku untuk tubuhkan perniagaan sendiri, sedangkan aku masih tak punya modal pun untuk memulakannya.

Haish, macam mana tu?

Dalam hidup ni tak aku nafikan yang duit tu penting. Serius, siapa tak suka ada duit, dan siapa yang tak suka ngabiskan duit? Aku rasa aku paling suka kedua-duanya! ^^

Kalau ada duit, boleh bawa adik-adik keluar makan, pergi shopping ramai-ramai kat One Utama. Boleh belikan mama dan papa Big Apple donuts, atau aiskrim King’s perisa Caramel Almond Fudge. Boleh merayau kat pasar malam dengan Pura tiap-tiap Khamis beli ayam, ikan dan sayur untuk rumah. Boleh balik kampung, bawak nenek pergi pasaraya dan beli apa saja yang dia bubuh dalam troli; sebab selalunya dia akan taruh benda-benda yang dia selalu tengok dalam iklan TV tapi tak pernah rasa lagi - haish, comel! ^^

Dan paling best, boleh plan surprise birthday parties... beli hadiah, belanja orang-orang atau makhluk-makhluk (read: cats) yang sangat aku sayang.

Rumah banglo dan kereta BMW tu walaupun wujud dalam fantasi, bukanlah sesuatu yang aku target dalam realiti aku. Serius, kalaulah aku diberikan rezeki menjadi cukup kaya untuk beli mahligai dan kereta mewah, dan apa yang aku lakukan ialah beli mahligai dan kereta mewah, aku rasa aku la khalifah yang paling tak berhati perut dalam dunia..

Harga satu kereta BMW tu, agaknya boleh beri makan berapa ramai orang? Boleh sponsor berapa ramai anak-anak nak pergi belajar? Boleh bangunkan berapa rumah kos rendah, rumah kebajikan, masjid, perpustakaan, etc? I’m just sayin’..

Maksud aku, apalah salahnya berkerja makan gaji, simpan duit sikit-sikit, menabung untuk masa depan? Kurang-kurangya pendapatan aku stabil; ada elaun, ada pencen. Ni tak, semua nak cepat. Nak duit banyak, nak kereta mewah, nak rumah besar.. all before 30! Wow.. Duit yang datang sebanyak tu dalam jangkamasa yang begitu singkat.. aku sangsikan halal haramnya.

Tapi yang lebih aku risaukan di sini ialah keadaan rohaniah adik-adik aku. Peribadi apa yang dapat dibentuk dari pekerjaan yang semacam ini? What kind of knowledge can be gained? Apa sumbangan yang dapat diberikan pada ummah?

For the record, “Kitaorang dapat tolong bumiputera-bumiputera lain untuk jadi kaya,” is the biggest nonsense I’ve ever heard..

Aku suka teringat pada kata-kata Sr. Fatimah, seorang guru sukarela kacukan Siam-Mesir yang gemar mengajar aku hikmah di sebalik Islamic Finance. Ketika dia terlihat aku mengira hasil kerja babysitting di bilik bacaan masjid waktu aku berumur 16 tahun:

Sr. Fatimah : Sofie habibti.. you want to know how to make money grow?

Aku : Grow? Er, yeah.. sure..

Sr. Fatimah : Good, it’s very simple! Here, you keep a little bit.. Then the rest—

Aku : The rest, I keep in piggy bank?

Sr. Fatimah : What means piggy bank??

Aku : (O_o)? Then, the rest...

Sr. Fatimah : You give away habibti, give away! ^^

Aku : Owh...


Sampai ke hari ni, ini la satu-satunya petua yang tak pernah menghampakan aku.

To me, it doesn’t matter how much money you have. As long as you keep it only for yourself, you’ll always be poor..

Toe the line

Apa aku buat selepas tahlil arwah atuk?

Aku menghilangkan diri dengan Coolpix abah. Merayau satu kampung dituruti Acha, Longot dan Omey. Aku dah serik dengan bisik-bisik pengajaran dan anjuran bersabar para hadirin. I know they meant well. But in the end, this will be just another day, another death, a part of life for them. For the sake of my grandpa, I refused to remember it that way.

Lalu selepas yasin dan doa aku meloloskan diri, mencari warna selain putih; bunyi selain ratap. Dan aku sapa atuk dalam mekar kembang dan siul petang kampung kesayangannya.

Kadang-kadang aku rasa lemas jadi dewasa.

Lebih dari memikul tanggungjawab, ada sejenis politik keluarga dan tradisi yang seperti harus aku anuti. Diluah mati emak, ditelan mati bapak. Kalau kulum dalam mulut saja, aku pula yang jadi mangsa.

Kita semua manusia.. arwah Makngah aku selalu cakap macam tu. Zaman aku tak faham, aku interpret ayat ni sepertimana orang lain: Kita adalah makhluk yang tak lari dari kesilapan. Jika kamu perhatikan, ayat cliche ini positif. Dalam diam kita terima orang lain seadanya; secara tak langsung kita memaafkan.

But, everything in life is a double-edged sword..

Melihat keadaan keluarga aku selepas pemergian arwah atuk, aku sedar mungkin Makngah cuba mengatakan sesuatu, dan ianya tak sepositif yang aku sangka. Keluarga yang dahulu aku sanjung kerana tali persaudaraan yang sangat kukuh, sudah mula mempamer cela. Di mana ada harta dan wang ringgit, di situ akan selalu ada dendam dan fitnahnya.

Aku mahu jadi anak-anak. Aku mahu diasingkan dari pertelingkahan dan sesi tuduh-menuduh. Malangnya, aku sudah matang. Sudah boleh diseret ke dalam lubuk. Lalu aku disajikan sifat kelam orang-orang yang aku sayangi. Duniaku jadi terbalik bila aku pula yang harus jadi antara suara-suara yang objektif. Tembok hormatku terhakis bukan sedikit.

Kita semua manusia. Zaman aku faham, ayat ini aku tafsirkan sepertimana yang aku alami.

We're not evil because we're only human.. We're only human because we're evil.

What A Girl Wants

Note: A close friend’s recent post encouraged this entry.

When you want something, the entire universe conspires to make it happen.

It was never my intention to give up UNIMAS. I could go so far as saying I was forced to give it up. FRIM was not willing to let me leave the peninsula for my MSc studies, citing communication difficulties and the possible ‘clash of interest’ between it and UNIMAS as some of the many foreseeable problems.

It also didn’t help that my FRIM supervisor kept looking like she was having a coronary whenever I mentioned a certain professor from the school. A professor I’d been in contact with for the past year and a half. A professor who humbly asked me to call him “Mr. T” instead of the formality he deserves.

A professor I would kill to have on my panel of advisors for Masters.

So I threw my fate to faith and went searching for a molecular ecology expert closer to home. I was really disappointed, mind you. My search was half-hearted. I was surfing some insignificant website (insignificant because I can’t remember what it was) when I stumbled upon a weblink to USM in Penang. Yeah, Penang is good. Very far from FRIM! I thought vindictively as I clicked on the link.

I love the USM website, by the way. Its straight-forwardness led me directly to what I was looking for. Scrolling through the academic staff list at the School of Biological Sciences website, my eyes fell upon a sweet looking lady with a title that made my smile stretch a mile wide.

Associate Professor Dr. Siti Azizah Mohd. Nor
(Molecular Ecology and Population Genetics)

Supervisor: FOUND!

She was no expert when it came to bats though. Not like Mr. T. Her profile stated that she worked mostly with marine fish, and dabbled a little with insect DNA before that. But I wasn’t about to be picky. I liked her, and that was a good start. In any case, my RAship scheme had already commenced and I was in no position to bicker about the choice of experts this late in the game. I needed a supervisor quick, and she was the best I could come up with on such short notice.

So I sent her an email that afternoon. I was thinking it might take a while; I’ve written to several potential supervisors before, only to have my emails answered a few weeks later, if not at all. But I guess faith had a lot to teach me, for I received her reply the very next morning.

The email was short, but exhilarating! She was interested in what I was doing, and wanted to speak personally with me about them. She gave me a number to call and the suitable time, and thanked me for my interest.

If you don’t already know, I’m really big on physical relationships. I like meeting people and getting to know them up close and personal. It’s my way of understanding friends and what they want; what they need. I suppose that also explains my lack of interest in virtual community platforms such as friendster, twitter or facebook.

I know, I know.. it’s fun as hell to leave messages and play games and virtually poke, kidnap, buy or sell each other in the spirit of friendship. But it hardly tells me anything about a person, much less anything I could trust.

The fact that Dr. Azizah was asking to speak with me showed me she cared for my education, at least that much. Looking at her impressive academic background and list of publications, I felt I should be formal, courteous and straight to the point.

But she caught me off-guard. She was laughing the moment I called, asking me good-naturedly about my experiences and future goals. She was bright, friendly and infectious; the kind of people to put you at ease in any given situation. My kind of people.

Don’t get me wrong though. She was no slack, either. Her tone of voice, though merry, bid me to prove to her that I am worthy of her tutelage. So while I felt relaxed around her, it was never to the point where I forgot who she was, or the purpose of our conversation.

The highlight of our little chat came when I told her about my project involving bats. She was quiet throughout my explanation, and when I was done she asked me a question that nearly thwarted my spirit.

“Why are you asking me for a supervisor? I think a bright young lady like you should know by now that UNIMAS is the best place for you.”

Uh-huh. Tell me something I don’t know, lady.

“I have a contact there I can get you in touch with,” she went on. “His name is professor Tajuddin… People like to call him Mr. T?”

No shit.

My head hurt. I felt like I’d gone back to square one, which was not where I wanted to end up when I started this conversation. So I launched into a lengthy play-by-play of my situation with FRIM and my futile efforts of getting to UNIMAS, or the famed Mr.T. I figured if there was any time or anyone I could appeal to for help; now was the time, and this woman was it.

She laughed at my predicament, but set to solving my problems immediately.

“That’s alright then. You take me on as supervisor, and I’ll talk to Mr. T and see if we can’t elect him as your co.. deal?”

When you want something, the entire universe conspires to make it happen.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am now living proof of the above statement.

What my mother wants from my new job!

“Pi.. Nanti dapat gaji, belikan mama yang tu!”

Hn. This was becoming a regular request. Not good. Definitely not good.

Us girls - that includes me, my mum, my grandma and Pura - were at an electronic store in boisterous Tampin, looking for a new food processor to replace the one that went haywire in my grandma’s kitchen. Getting that one thing was easy enough. We pick, we pay, we leave.

The problem? The multiple decks of other, unnecessarily gleaming appliances. The kind that tends to glue the butts of housewives to the electronics aisle for that much longer.

My mother isn’t one. A housewife, I mean. Making a career out of practical spending, her perusal through these aisles was methodical. An economist at heart, she wasn’t into the window shopping, pay-on-credit lifestyle so shamelessly popular these days. She firmly believed in cold hard cash. It was either that or nothing.

I followed her to the back of the store, where the shelves were lined with microwaves and ovens. I saw her eyes glazed over as she fingered each and every one of them, no doubt reliving her golden baking days. She’d been trying to revive the era for some time now, what with the constant disposal of fresh recipes onto my lap every time she came home from work. I’d gotten to wondering what she really does at the office.

Her eyes settled on a particularly large piece, tastefully clad in black with cute dials and steel rungs and glass windows. It’s an impressive machine, and at the back of my mind I wished she would buy it. The price was worth about a third of my pay, but I know she would never settle for that. Haggling with the shop owner for ten minutes, she managed to move the price down to about a fifth of my pay.

I was marveling at her cool negotiating skills too, when she suddenly told me that it would actually come from my pay! (-_-)v

Haish…

I am no stranger to household financial responsibility. Frankly, I’d taken the family’s bread winner #3 position more seriously when I began my job stint a little over a year ago. In those days I’d help out with bills, groceries and other household amenities – internet, postpaid – whenever I can. I wasn’t free to do as I please with what cash I have, but I wasn’t completely bound to these duties either.

These days though, they were becoming more and more routine. I could only symbolize it as a mother’s pride at seeing her eldest daughter settled in her career (either that or marriage *shivers*). And the fact that I am now working in the same organization as she is makes it seem all the more heaven-sent.

Some would say that’s a good thing. Being my mother’s daughter certainly has its advantages. Besides, most of the senior officers at work knew me back when I was still in diapers (heck, my director has seen me naked!), so my joining the team was more a family affair than a new job. Of course, that didn’t mean I was free to do as I please. But it does make official procedures and other little administrative quirks go over much, much smoother.. *evil grin*

Despite that, my esteemed post came with heavy baggage in tow. I am my mother’s daughter after all, and that alone makes for juicy office scandal. I had filled one of only a handful of positions that were coveted by hundreds of other applicants – positions that were suspended pending a review – and of which, I was the only applicant to pass through. So, it’s only natural for people to assume I came into the post through my mother’s influences, seeing as she is a senior research officer.

For the record, this was not the case. In fact, my familial connection to the organization was only realized during the later stages of my application process. Ironically, it was my supervisor’s cunning influence that won me the job. She needed my help to start her DNA project, and couldn’t wait for the review board as her project deadline loomed near. Stating time as a crucial factor, she pushed for my immediate appointment to the post.

It would be three agonizing months before they would relent and give her what she wants. But they relented, which made me wonder of the kind of power and capabilities now presiding over my professional life. The power I deign to call my boss..

After my new job, my mum seemed visibly relaxed. She was a lot less worried about things, and I realized the kind of strain she must have endured since my father’s retirement two years ago. Since then she’d been the sole breadwinner with much to carry on her shoulders, and that burden was beginning to weigh her down considerably.

Still, she was never one to give up. In all that turmoil she remained patient of my father’s post-retirement ‘need to be free’ attitude, and of my siblings with their sometimes infantile behavior and gross academic roller-coasters and financial antics. For all that she has been through, my mum was definitely worthy of redemption.

I didn’t get to buy her the oven that day. But as the rest of the women file out towards the car, I leaned sideways over the payment counter, trying my best at a conspirational grin.

“Taukeh,” I whispered. “Lain kali wa datang mau angkat itu oven, lu kasi harga tadi la.. RM300, okeh?”

Kaleidoscope

June was absolutely spectacular!

I know, saying that while lounging in the comforts of my room, clad in my favorite PJs and smelling faintly of Skin Food’s yummy Coffee & Sugar body scrub I love so much makes me feel like the biggest hypocrite. Truth is, June couldn’t have been more insane. I’m still suffering from bruises, blisters and sprains.

But I am unrepentant. If I had the chance – and I will, insyaAllah – I would do it all again.

For the most part, I have FRIM to thank for last month’s many exploits, both below and above sea level. My parents like to call it the perks of “working for the government”. Funny, I thought it was "bloody physiotherapy."

Pulau Redang, 5-8 June 2009

Everything started with a trip to Redang, organized and hosted by Kelab FRIM. Three days and two nights’ worth of snorkeling, island-hopping, barbecues, candat sotong and water adventures with Jogun & Bella the sea-diving monkeys left me feeling like I hadn’t a care in the world.

Redang had a convenient way of making me forget my troubles. All I could think of while on the island was getting off it, into the warm, clear blue that harbored corals and colorful fishes and sea cucumbers and monkeys. The nights were liquid and soothing. How could they not be when you’re lazily swinging in one of the many hammocks hung under the moonlight?

It was the kind of vacation I needed after two grueling months in FRIM, and it was a good chance for me to be with the family I’d been neglecting the past few months.

Gunung Angsi Research Expedition, 9-18 June 2009

My biggest nightmare which took place the day after my return from Redang, was a lot harder to swallow. I’d been forewarned by both supervisors and colleagues that this expedition wouldn’t be easy, but they insisted I should not be left behind.

Nor did I want to be. I’ve always wanted a life as an ecologist, and this would be the perfect opportunity to live one, even if only for a few short weeks.

We didn’t get to camp inside the Angsi reserve. Instead, we were stationed at an agriculture complex at the foothills and we would make our way up into our research plots everyday, shortly after dawn. The research transects were set at the slopes and ridges of the mountain about 300 to 500 meters up. Getting there was often an 80^o climb. I was crawling on my hands and knees just to keep from sliding into the valley below.

Day 1 on the transects nearly left me crying. I was thankful to my teammate Joann for patiently keeping me company during the slow climb, and for teaching me to process live bats – species identification, tagging, weighing, forearm measurements and DNA sampling. I had spent some time with my supervisor learning the basics of bat identification the night before, so I was happy to be able to immediately apply them.

Oh, but I was exhausted! My less-than-competent body was fast showing signs of strain. My screaming nerves and burning muscles were keeping me from sleep. All I could think of was the rest of the week, when I would have to endure the climb over and over again. Lying on a mite-ridden mattress that night, I repeated a supplication my mum taught me in times of peril: La ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu min azzalimin.

That prayer was my salvation. By the third day I was no longer thinking about going home. I found it easier to stop thinking altogether. Whenever we had to go into the forest, I’d tune out the journey by just looking down and focusing on my climb, reading that prayer whenever I could. Besides, I was getting the hang of bat identification, which I found immensely interesting. Joann was even confident enough to leave me alone to it by day 5 while she moved on to check on the other transects.

There was also geng burung, geng sungai, geng pokok, geng kelulut and geng kumbang with us. We were all using the same transects, all the easier for me to gain knowledge of other ecology research methods. I especially liked geng burung – whose colorful birds really make my day – and geng kelulut, who kept me in high spirits with their easy-going manner and positive outlook.

It was even more enjoyable on the last day, when the transects were soaked by heavy rain, and we were forced to climb up and down a muddy mountain. Every inch of my khaki pants were caked with mud and soil and tree saps from kneeling and sliding, and I had splinters in my hands from accidentally holding on to thorny rattans and sharp twigs. Not to mention the many unfortunate run-ins with kelingkiak, cengkenik, kutu babi and pacat ... Haish!

But you know what satisfied me most? We were waiting for our 4WD to take us back to base camp at the end of the day, when I noticed Dzamir from geng kelulut grinning wickedly at me. I had assumed, from my mud-ridden, sweat-soaked attire that he was laughing at my predicament. The following conversation ensues:

Dzamir: *grin* You're looking great, Sof!

Sofie: Sampai hati ko gelak..

Dzamir: *sober* I’m not laughing at you..

Sofie: Dah tu?

Dzamir: *grins again* Aku paling suka tengok orang berusaha. Ko banyak berusaha..

Joann: Kan? dan dia tak pernah cakap “tak nak.”

Sofie: ... Sebab aku tak nak menyesal..

Fauzan's Wedding, 20 June 2009

I hurt myself getting there.

We'd managed to complete the Angsi expedition and make it back to KL two days before the wedding. But the physical trauma from my exertions were showing one by one. I had sprained both knees, as well as my right ankle. I was bed-ridden for the better part of the next day and the simptoms were getting worse.

It was time to whip out my miracle drug.

By the time I made my way to the wedding that Saturday, my bloodstream was saturated with Ibuprofen, without which I couldn't even stand, let alone drive the three-hour stretch from KL to Ipoh. It was marvelous. I couldn't feel a thing.

Looking back though, I guess the drug had affected me in more ways than one. I wasn't only physically numb; my emotions also took a backseat. I had pictured it to be a rather somber, reflective drive. Instead, I was animatedly chatting with Ann the entire way there. Many times I saw Safura looking at me funny, but I thought nothing of it.

Fauzan's married. I should feel something, but I don't. So what?

We'd arrived late at the wedding hall. The bride and groom were nowhere to be seen, but I'd remembered Fauzan saying something about a costume change for the cake-cutting ceremony. The food was almost catered off the buffet tables by the time we got there, so we took whatever was available. Don't ask me what I had at the wedding though; to this day I could not remember...

We were done with food by the time the bride and groom graced the hall. Ann and I stayed put, hoping Fauzan would look for us in the crowds somehow. But alas, he and Hidayah were drowned out by professional photographers snapping pose after pose. Fauzan was oblivious, so immersed in apparent bliss that he didn't see us inching closer and closer to the stage, my camera poised to capture his moment of realization.

But when he did realize our presence, I couldn't take the picture.

He had this utterly shocked look on his face. I smiled, and the shock mellowed into something else. It was like seeing relief, mixed with warmth and gratitude and sadness and.. something else I couldn't explain. Suddenly it was painful, so I immediately tried lightening things up by asking the couple to pose.

Ah, the darn painkiller was starting to wear off. I was starting to feel again..

Fauzan was being dragged everywhere for pictures, which left him very little time for us. I wish I had the chance to talk to him, but since that wasn't possible, I settled on seeing him happy. He seemed to be having the time of his life, and his happiness heaved a great boulder off my chest. I wished the rest of BTB were there for the occasion. Having just me and Ann present really made it a strange excursion.

We somehow left the wedding in an indescribable mood. I was starting to ache all over; a sign that my painkillers were waning. By the time I'd reach home, I was limping off my right ankle and feeling very grumpy for reasons unknown. I was disappointed I wasn't able to get many pictures with the Couple of the Hour. Even more disappointed when I couldn't load it onto the computer..

But, I will always hold on to that expression Fauzan had when he saw us. It wasn't completely readable, but it was clear enough to let me know that everything will be alright.

Tribute

It's funny how little things that have nothing to do with me tend to affect me these days.

For example, I was driving to the office this morning, listening to Hits FM when I heard Michael Jackson died. I didn't know what I was doing in the next few seconds after that, but by the time I snapped out of it, my front bumper was almost kissing the rear bumper of my supervisor's brand new CRV.

I was beyond shocked. Out of nowhere came this huge sense of loss. For no apparent reason.

I spent the rest of the day - when not in a meeting - glued to the radio stations that played only his music. I sang along to song after song and I realized I knew every word of every single one of them. They made me remember precious bits and pieces of my childhood; something I hadn't thought of for a long, long time.

More than that, I used to believe in his words; in his faith that the world can become a better place. And for feeling this loss, I guess a big part of me still does believe.

I just wished, for all his pain and suffering, that I could let him know..

Personality

Hello peeps! I know it's been ages since you guys have seen an entry here. There will be other close entries after this one, but.. for now, enjoy this filler and tell me what you think!

My mom encouraged me to take this personality test, just to see if mine matched hers. I was skeptical at first; I have my reservations for personality surveys, mainly because they never seem to work.. but this one is an exception. Take the test here to find out..

This test is called the Jung-Myers-Briggs typology test, or Jungian for short. Briefly, there are sixteen personality categories altogether, all of which fall into one of these four temperaments - Protectors (SJ), Creators (ST), Intellectuals (NT), and Visionaries (NF). Anyway, after taking the ten minute questionnaire, this is what the test has to say about my personality:

Temperament: NF

Personality: ENFP - Extraverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Percieving.

ENFPs are also known as The Advocate. Here's a run down of ENFPs by various experts in this field:

They can't bear to miss out on what is going on around them; they must experience, first hand, all the significant social events that affect our lives.

The Portrait of the Champion Idealist (Keirsey)

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

Portrait of an ENFP (The Personality Page)

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, more so even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone, especially on a regular basis.

ENFP Profile (TypeLogic)

Outgoing, social, disorganized, easily talked into doing silly things, spontaneous, wild and crazy, acts without thinking...

ENFP Jung Type Descriptions (similarminds.com)

ENFPs are energetic and enthusiastic leaders who are likely to take charge when a new endeavor needs a visionary spokesperson. ENFPs are values-oriented people who become champions of causes and services relating to human needs and dreams. Their leadership style is one of soliciting and recognizing others' contributions and of evaluating the personal needs of their followers. ENFPs are often charismatic leaders who are able to help people see the possibilities beyond themselves and their current realities. They function as catalysts.

ENFP - The Visionary (Lifexplore)

Ranked 1st of all 16 types in using social and emotional coping resources and 2nd in using cognitive resources.

ENFP Facts (discoveryourpersonality.com)

Hm, I don't really like the last comment.. but, you'd have to take in the good along with the bad in everything, no? Come, tell me if this test has accurately described me. I am very much the advocate for beauty is in the eye of the beholder, not the one beheld ^.~

Resolutions

Aku tahu, entry ni dah lemau. Aku sepatutnya menulis tentang Pergau the moment I got home. Baru ada feel... 

Malangnya, kesuntukan masa dan kondisi internet aku yang maha lengai sering saja buat aku tunda niat. Tak apalah. sekarang pun feel apa. Contohnya, penyiksaan aku bersemayam 14 jam dalam keretapi dari Kelantan ke KL.. I'm still feeelin' it! 

haish.. Kepada KTMB aku nak sarankan satu perkara: Tak kisah la benda-benda lain, tapi lain kali boleh tak kalau disediakan satu gerabak khas untuk musolla? Keretapi punya la panjang. Begitu ramai yang nak solat tapi suraunya cuma sebesar *tuuut*!! 

As-sobru minal iman... (-_-)

Sebenarnya, nak tulis pasal Pergau aku takde gambar nak lekat (aku dah amik copy dari Ann hari tu, tapi takleh nak retrieve la pulak.. laptop bengong!). Tapi apa yang aku nak kata ialah, trip ni cukup menyelamatkan kewarasan aku. Sebelum ni aku tension dengan hidup. Day in day out aku macam robot; traffic jam, work work work, then traffic jam again. So kepada semua yang pergi, berjuta-juta terima kasih atas semuanya. Kepada yang tak ada, kitaorang rindu.. cuba-cuba la ada next time ya! ^.~ 

Sejak balik ni semangat aku bertambah: discussion with Monash went well. Supervisors aku happy happy belaka sejak extraction dan PCR aku sukses. Masalah adik-adik pun dah makin reda, dan gaji aku surut mendadak melayan kerenah mereka.... Alhamdulillah.

Tahun baru ni, aku ada buat beberapa resolutions. Aku tahu, cliche sungguh... Tapi hakikatnya aku baru sedar yang aku ni sebenarnya jenis yang merancang. Don't get me wrong, I like living on the edge; spontaneous, carefree, gone-with-the-wind what have you.. And I used to think that I could go on like that always. 

Tapi, bagi kamu yang ada tanggungan atau akan punya tanggungan di masa akan datang, kamu pasti faham. Kita tak hidup hanya untuk diri sendiri. There is a bigger picture we have to complete. In my life, that role is huge; sometimes loathingly so. Tapi apa mahu buat. Sudah itu kehendakNya.

Anyway, I've decided to turn my resolutions into mini projects. Aku cepat bosan. Banyak azam-azam yang pernah aku buat kebelakangan ni tak menjadi, gara-gara terlalu 'bersemangat'. It was always iether too extreme, or just taking too much time. Trust me, a year long resolution? not gonna happen!

Jadinya, azam aku akan dilaksanakan secara berperingkat. Quarterly gitu. Meaning, setiap tiga bulan aku akan assess balik keberkesanan method-method tertentu, dan ubah haluan jika perlu (aku separa saintis, what else would you expect?). 

Di bawah ada listings. Kamu faham-faham saja.

1. Losing weight

Azam yang wajib sejak umur aku 9 tahun. Yang salahnya, setiap kali azam ni keluar, ia disertakan dengan niat nak turun 40 kilo dalam tempoh paling singkat! Haish, 18 tahun dah banyak mengajar aku tentang kemustahilannya, jadi tahun ni aku berazam lebih sederhana.

Aku nak cuba turun 10 kilo dalam masa 3 bulan terdekat. It's not that impossible really. 3 kilos a month. I think that's manageable. Aku kira, kalau aku boleh turun 10 kilo setiap 3 bulan, cukup setahun... Hm, aku belum lagi berani mahu fikir ke tahap itu. Kalau begitu senangnya, dah lama aku kurus. We'll just have to wait and see.

2. Grooming

Azam ni timbul atas dua peristiwa: 1) Ketika mengimbas gambar-gambar undergrad, dan 2) ketika mengimbas katalog farmasi Watsons.. (-_-) 

Aku sedar, aku ni generally kurang prihatin tentang penampilan. Sedari kecil aku memang diterapkan dengan prinsip sederhana.  Pokoknya, penampilan harian aku lebih memudahkan aku terjun sungai dari menghadiri jemputan makan tengah hari di Hilton Meridien. If you had seen my childhood, you would have thought me an utter savage (a.k.a sakai).

Namun secara jujur, sejak kebelakangan ni aku macam tertarik dengan barangan-barangan feminin yang dulunya aku anggap jijik dan kepura-puraan. Safura yang lebih ketara ciri warisan-wanita-terakhirnya juga banyak mempengaruhi. Contohnya, dulu syampu saja, sekarang dah guna perapi, religiously. Sabun buku Dettol dah berubah kepada Lux perisa strawberry whipped cream. Bedak bayi dah tukar compact; lip balm dah tukar lipstick; bilik aku sekarang dah lengkap dengan meja solek. 

Haish.. Bila digambarkan begitu, aku jadi takut dan tertanya-tanya: what am I turning into??

On the other hand, maybe I'm just a really really late bloomer. Girls will always be girls, right?

3. Kawan and beyond

There are relationships I want to strengthen. This is very important to me, and truthfully that's all can really say about it at this point.

      

Hujung minggu lepas, aku ke...

... Plaza Low Yat.

My ancient desktop computer needed an ethernet card to support Streamyx (or so it said during the troubleshoot), and Safura needed to fixed her virus-disabled CPU. Being the overly lazy person that I was lately, I chose to drive to the place. I found out very soon after that this would be the worst idea..

Pendek cerita, aku tersekat dalam trafik dekat nak dua jam. Nasib baik radio sangat best. If not for the music, I'd have annihilated the entire street.. can you say road rage? ^^Anyway, don't get me wrong. Kak Sofie's worst day out wouldn't be the gist of this entry. Though, after you read this, you might think otherwise...

To be honest, I was afraid of the place.

Have you ever been somewhere that made you feel completely uncomfortable? Like you don't belong. I know Lowyat and Sungei Wang and BB Park are all common shopping destinations maybe, but... for me, I wouldn't go there if I absolutely didn't have to. And if I have to, definitely not alone.

What makes me uncomfortable? The place is a ghetto! like a nest of all things evil. There are strange people in strange clothing and even stranger behavior walking around aimless. Teenagers in large groups that sit around waiting for God knows what, and eyeing passerby like they were the biggest sins alive. Old people trying to revive their glorious past by attempting to dress young, look young, act young.

I mean, imagine your mom in short shorts, tube tops and wedges parading the crowded streets... Enuff said.

Point is, don't these people have family? don't they have a purpose? what is life without purpose? Bukan apa, bila lihat mereka, selain takut aku juga rasa sangat kasihan. Aku pun ada keluarga. Ada adik-adik yang harus aku bangunkan supaya jadi insan. Aku tak sanggup tengok darah daging aku bertempiaran sana sini, buang masa, buang duit. Selama kami berjalan di Low Yat, Safura sentiasa aku letakkan di depan mata. Walaupun dah besar panjang, aku dan abang-abangnya sentiasa awasi supaya dia selamat.

Aku akui, ibubapa zaman ini agak sibuk. My parents aren't all that perfect. Tapi dalam situasi begini di manakah abang dan kakak? Macam tak ada yang kisah. Don't they feel protective? Ramai berhujah remaja perlukan kebebasan. Biar mereka tentukan haluan masing-masing. Betulkah? Atau alasan untuk lepas dari tanggungjawab?

Alangkah malangnya bila kita hanya mampu fikirkan diri sendiri.

But then again, that's life, isn't it? Sometimes all we could do is think of ourselves. Aku ingat lagi waktu meredah trafik keluar dari plaza. Hari dah pun senja dan azan berkumandang di radio. Dalam memikirkan kesempatan untuk solat magrib, mata aku melayang kepada mamat-mamat dan awek-awek yang masih bertempiaran di sekeliling; betapa ramai antara mereka yang hala tujunya pasti saja bukan ke surau atau masjid.

Di saat itu, aku hanya mampu memikirkan Safura yang sedang berseloroh dengan abangnya, dan bersyukur bahawa dia berada di dalam kereta, dia gembira, dan aku akan bawa dia pulang. Jauh di dalam, hati aku kata:

Biarlah mereka. Tanggunganku ada di sisi. Asalkan dia tidak jatuh, the world can go to hell.

PCR will run for three hours, so in the meantime...

... I'll continue with the tag!

10. Made for a boss

Secara peribadi, aku lebih suka jadi team player daripada jadi team leader, because I like doing the work more than delegating them. Dalam satu-satu tugasan, aku akan lakukan apa yang termampu untuk menjayakannya, sebab aku hanya akan puas hati bila ia sukses atas usaha aku sendiri. Bila jadi team leader, semua benda kena delegate; aku tak boleh buat kerja sendiri. Needless to say, I am very bad at this.

On the other hand though, aku ni jenis yang broad dan holistic.  I don't like nitpicking a problem (finding out the who, what, when, where and why of it); but I like putting together a solution. Dalam erti kata lain, aku tak kisah dengan perkara kecil atau spesifik, sebab aku cuma akan fokus kepada the bigger picture. Unfortunately, this trait - and my general ease with the public - is perhaps the biggest reason why I almost always end up leading a delegation rather than working for one... (-_-)

11. The power of saying something.

Aku dibesarkan dalam suasana di mana aku harus pandai bersuara. Seawal 8 tahun aku dan adik-adik ditinggalkan ibubapa yang sibuk dengan kerjaya; kami sering berpindah randah antara rumah suadara-mara dan grandparents yang tak putus memberi sokongan dan ihsan. (Please don't get me wrong.. I have great parents. Apa yang mereka lakukan, bila diteliti semula adalah untuk kebahagiaan kami.) 

Namun, ada kalanya ihsan itu punya had. Adat orang menumpang lama, ada masanya kehadiran aku dan adik-adik dalam keluarga mereka menjadi beban. Dan bila beban itu terasa, keluarlah kata-kata yang tak enak dan melukakan hati. Sebagai anak sulung alias kakak, aku harus petah memujuk dan beri penjelasan pada adik-adik, juga cuba mempertahankan mak abah sedaya mungkin, baik kepada keluarga mahupun orang lain. 

Pendek cerita, aku sangat bersyukur atas pengalaman yang satu ini, kerana banyak mengajar aku untuk tidak takut bersuara dan mengutarakan pendapat.   

12. I'm a lunatic at heart

Kak Sofie, kamu ini rasional. Terlalu rasional...

Sekali pandang, ramai yang rasa aku ni garang dan serius. In fact, at rest my face seems to be eternally frowning.. (-_-) But don't let that fool you... I am friendly! If you get to know me, I am actually insane! ^^

Secara fizikal, aku seorang yang sangat stabil, mungkin kerana peranan aku sebagai anchor kepada keluarga. Aku jarang sekali out of control dan negatif, sampai kadang-kadang hidup aku terasa terlalu terancang dan bosan. tapi secara mental, I am more of a free spirit. Aku suka kepada perkara-perkara yang spontaneous, ephemeral, and closer to oblivion. Jadinya, aku sangat tertarik pada entiti yang pelik atau separa gila.. I have an affinity for people with these characteristics because they compliment my soul, and I am myself when I am with them.

Jadi, kalau kamu pelik atau gila, dan kamu kawan saya, sekarang kamu tahu kenapa...   

Argh!! Tak cukup masa! Sambung lagi nanti ya! 

Dua tiga minggu ni aku ditenggelami kerja. Lantaran tugasan dan tanggungjawab family, tak terluang masa untuk menulis. Sebab tu aku sangat kagum dengan kawan-kawan yang boleh update blog everyday or every other day, siap dengan topik-topik dan penulisan bernas, kelakar, etc. Syabas kepada anda semua!

Maaf ya kawan-kawan. Saat ni aku hanya sempat habiskan tag. More will come later on. Enjoy! ^^     

1. Aku suka nature.

Da explain..

2. Aku suka kucing.

Pun da explain.. 

3. Aku kakak

Tanya la kepada sesiapa pun yang kenal aku. 999 dari 1000, jawapannya ialah "Kak Sofie."

4. I'm reasonable

Ada orang pernah tanya: "kenapa Kak Sofie suka jadi lilin?" Sebenarnya, aku tak sengaja. Aku cuma play by certain rules.. Kalau kamu ikut prinsip di bawah, kamu pun akan jadi lilin juga: 

1. Neutrality; always take the middle path. Bila kita ambil jalan tengah, orang akan susah sikit nak rasa tak puas hati dengan kita.

2. Always put yourself in other people's shoes. Rasanya yang ini dah cukup jelas. 

3. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Kalau kita nakkan sesuatu, tentunya orang lain pun nak juga. Kalau kita tak suka, chances are orang lain pun tak suka juga.

4. Turn the other cheek. Susah nak explain ungkapan ni, tapi maksudnya senang saja: hati kita sakit tak bermaksud kita pun kena sakitkan hatinya..  

Namun hakikatnya, manusia a.k.a aku tak lari dari menjadi seorang yang judgmental. So aku kena selalu ingatkan diri: I don't know what they have been through. Bila kita ingat ini, insyaallah kita akan fokus kepada perkara baik-baik saja dan terima kawan-kawan seadanya.

5. Aku hopeless romantic

Ah, mungkin kamu kata, "la, semua perempuan pun macam tu apa!"

Truth is, it doesn't take a lot to impress me. Simple things like flowers and candy is enough to win me over. Heck, just jumping out of nowhere saying "HI!" would've completely made my day! For me, it's the little things. The fact that someone cares enough to spend what little money they have on me or to sit around the corner just to surprise me is something truly amazing. You can call it low maintenance, easy, cheap... I appreciate it all! ^^

6. Tak suka emas.

Mungkin sebab aku ni gelap dan kulit tak cantik, maka emas pun nampak buruk... Tapi aku sangat suka silver dan platinum! ^^

7. I'm gullible

Aku ni senang percaya kat orang. I'm trusting to a fault, and this undying faith usually puts me in a position where I'm easily used or bullied, so much so that for a while my mom labeled me a doormat... (-_-) 

Haish, sekarang ni dah kurang sikit, maklum la dah pandai. Dulu... lembu terbang pun aku percaya..

   

8. Muzik 

Aku ingat lagi masa kecik-kecik menggeledah koleksi piring hitam dan kaset abah. Tak dapat aku bayangkan keseronokan melompat-lompat di atas sofa dengan adik-adik sambil mendengar lagu California Girls dari the Beach Boys. Needless to say, my love for music begins here... 

Sebagai anak seorang forester, hidup aku banyak dipengaruhi nyanyian dan alunan gitar akustik. Dulu abah selalu bawa aku pergi tengok kugiran orang kahwin yang buat band practice di kelab FRIM. Jadinya, aku boleh menyanyi dan bermain piano, flute dan gitar ala kadar. Impian aku? Nak kumpul cukup duit untuk ambil kelas piano atau violin secara formal. Or singing lessons, perhaps? ^^

9. Bahasa

Sama la ceritanya. So far, aku boleh bertutur/menulis/membaca/paham BM, BI, French and Japanese. Aku pernah belajar bahasa Arab dan juga Korea, but the results were less than satisfactory, probably because I'd never really studied them in detail (-_-) Nanti kalau ada rezeki, aku ingin mantapkan lagi peguasaan bahasa ni.  

Haish, sampai sini saja ya. Dah penat perah otak fikir tentang diri sendiri. Nanti kita sambung lagi...