To begin again

"There's always gonna be another mountain; I'm always gonna wanna make it move."

The first time I felt real fear of the unknown, it was right after a recce trip to Lanchang Pahang, where I would end up spending my whirlwind three-month practical training days. 

The fear hadn't really set in until I had my butt safely at edge of my bunkbed, thinking over and over again of the isolation and hard work I'd be facing over the next few months. I had wanted to become a wild child, so a stint at the jungle-deep national biodiversity center had seemed appropriate. But nothing could have prepared me for even just a preview of it; the overnight visit had left me feeling as if I'd finally bitten off more than I could chew. I remembered thinking I must be nuts, and that I should forfeit the placement immediately. Surely training at the local zoo would be much more fun, and more suitable for the physically challenged girl I thought I was.

That fear was a very long time ago. A good six years. As it turned out, Lanchang had a lot to teach me about having faith in myself; that I was good enough, and that my dreams were well within reach. Finally, I had learned to try. I had learned to give everything a chance before I count myself unable. I made it so I had little reason to be afraid of what lay ahead.

Until now.

Work wise, I'm changing directions. I can't honestly say it is where I want to be at the moment, and that alone is scaring me to bits. It's not so much the fear that I wouldn't be able to perform my new-found duties. Honestly, I have enough confidence in my abilities where the job is concerned. It's just, I can't shake the feeling that I am somehow shirking my one true path, and it weighs heavily on my chest. I know, I should give it a try; who knows I might like it? If anything, I'll have the experience. And it'll certainly look good on my resume.

I just wish I could be rid of this sinking feeling every time I think about it, ya know?
     

A trip to the Sungai Buloh nurseries ^^

Honestly, I never thought this place existed. Buried somewhere in the back roads of Sungai Buloh is a long street full of living colors! My camera was in love.. ^^

Bougainvilleas! I've been searching for this exact color.. ^^

Orchid terracotta pots.. so cute! ^^

My mother's favorite, yellow daisies. Fashionably messy..

Not sure what these are, but pretty..

These flowers remind me of China. I've never been there, but... yeah. 

So many varieties of Hibiscus these days.. can you call this one a national flower?

These remind me of my late Opah, for some weird reason..

Might be good for ant-control around the house..

Lilies (?) originally white with yellow centers.. very pretty flowers.

Tiger orchids! I wanted one, but orchids are expensive, and fickle..

Who is that in the background? XD

My 'kampung' flowers. The white version of this one grows all over my grandma's house..

Actually, it wasn't because I loved gardening that I took to the nurseries. I love plants, yes, but gardening meant pruning and trimming and all that controlling stuff. I like my plants awry and wild, thank you very much; let them stretch their limbs ~branches, creepers, whatever~ wherever they please! Honestly, the way my dad was wielding the garden at home, I was afraid of getting any sort of plant at all for fear they would be confined to such limited existence...

My sole reason for the trip was actually, photography. I've been learning a bit, and I thought I should apply it  using whatever mediocre means I have on hand (that would be my Canon EOS 500D with standard 18-55mm lens, folks). Don't get me wrong, I love my camera. I was just trying out my skills, if I have any.

They say if you've got talent, equipments won't matter... What do you think?
  

Kaleidoscope

June was absolutely spectacular!

I know, saying that while lounging in the comforts of my room, clad in my favorite PJs and smelling faintly of Skin Food’s yummy Coffee & Sugar body scrub I love so much makes me feel like the biggest hypocrite. Truth is, June couldn’t have been more insane. I’m still suffering from bruises, blisters and sprains.

But I am unrepentant. If I had the chance – and I will, insyaAllah – I would do it all again.

For the most part, I have FRIM to thank for last month’s many exploits, both below and above sea level. My parents like to call it the perks of “working for the government”. Funny, I thought it was "bloody physiotherapy."

Pulau Redang, 5-8 June 2009

Everything started with a trip to Redang, organized and hosted by Kelab FRIM. Three days and two nights’ worth of snorkeling, island-hopping, barbecues, candat sotong and water adventures with Jogun & Bella the sea-diving monkeys left me feeling like I hadn’t a care in the world.

Redang had a convenient way of making me forget my troubles. All I could think of while on the island was getting off it, into the warm, clear blue that harbored corals and colorful fishes and sea cucumbers and monkeys. The nights were liquid and soothing. How could they not be when you’re lazily swinging in one of the many hammocks hung under the moonlight?

It was the kind of vacation I needed after two grueling months in FRIM, and it was a good chance for me to be with the family I’d been neglecting the past few months.

Gunung Angsi Research Expedition, 9-18 June 2009

My biggest nightmare which took place the day after my return from Redang, was a lot harder to swallow. I’d been forewarned by both supervisors and colleagues that this expedition wouldn’t be easy, but they insisted I should not be left behind.

Nor did I want to be. I’ve always wanted a life as an ecologist, and this would be the perfect opportunity to live one, even if only for a few short weeks.

We didn’t get to camp inside the Angsi reserve. Instead, we were stationed at an agriculture complex at the foothills and we would make our way up into our research plots everyday, shortly after dawn. The research transects were set at the slopes and ridges of the mountain about 300 to 500 meters up. Getting there was often an 80^o climb. I was crawling on my hands and knees just to keep from sliding into the valley below.

Day 1 on the transects nearly left me crying. I was thankful to my teammate Joann for patiently keeping me company during the slow climb, and for teaching me to process live bats – species identification, tagging, weighing, forearm measurements and DNA sampling. I had spent some time with my supervisor learning the basics of bat identification the night before, so I was happy to be able to immediately apply them.

Oh, but I was exhausted! My less-than-competent body was fast showing signs of strain. My screaming nerves and burning muscles were keeping me from sleep. All I could think of was the rest of the week, when I would have to endure the climb over and over again. Lying on a mite-ridden mattress that night, I repeated a supplication my mum taught me in times of peril: La ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu min azzalimin.

That prayer was my salvation. By the third day I was no longer thinking about going home. I found it easier to stop thinking altogether. Whenever we had to go into the forest, I’d tune out the journey by just looking down and focusing on my climb, reading that prayer whenever I could. Besides, I was getting the hang of bat identification, which I found immensely interesting. Joann was even confident enough to leave me alone to it by day 5 while she moved on to check on the other transects.

There was also geng burung, geng sungai, geng pokok, geng kelulut and geng kumbang with us. We were all using the same transects, all the easier for me to gain knowledge of other ecology research methods. I especially liked geng burung – whose colorful birds really make my day – and geng kelulut, who kept me in high spirits with their easy-going manner and positive outlook.

It was even more enjoyable on the last day, when the transects were soaked by heavy rain, and we were forced to climb up and down a muddy mountain. Every inch of my khaki pants were caked with mud and soil and tree saps from kneeling and sliding, and I had splinters in my hands from accidentally holding on to thorny rattans and sharp twigs. Not to mention the many unfortunate run-ins with kelingkiak, cengkenik, kutu babi and pacat ... Haish!

But you know what satisfied me most? We were waiting for our 4WD to take us back to base camp at the end of the day, when I noticed Dzamir from geng kelulut grinning wickedly at me. I had assumed, from my mud-ridden, sweat-soaked attire that he was laughing at my predicament. The following conversation ensues:

Dzamir: *grin* You're looking great, Sof!

Sofie: Sampai hati ko gelak..

Dzamir: *sober* I’m not laughing at you..

Sofie: Dah tu?

Dzamir: *grins again* Aku paling suka tengok orang berusaha. Ko banyak berusaha..

Joann: Kan? dan dia tak pernah cakap “tak nak.”

Sofie: ... Sebab aku tak nak menyesal..

Fauzan's Wedding, 20 June 2009

I hurt myself getting there.

We'd managed to complete the Angsi expedition and make it back to KL two days before the wedding. But the physical trauma from my exertions were showing one by one. I had sprained both knees, as well as my right ankle. I was bed-ridden for the better part of the next day and the simptoms were getting worse.

It was time to whip out my miracle drug.

By the time I made my way to the wedding that Saturday, my bloodstream was saturated with Ibuprofen, without which I couldn't even stand, let alone drive the three-hour stretch from KL to Ipoh. It was marvelous. I couldn't feel a thing.

Looking back though, I guess the drug had affected me in more ways than one. I wasn't only physically numb; my emotions also took a backseat. I had pictured it to be a rather somber, reflective drive. Instead, I was animatedly chatting with Ann the entire way there. Many times I saw Safura looking at me funny, but I thought nothing of it.

Fauzan's married. I should feel something, but I don't. So what?

We'd arrived late at the wedding hall. The bride and groom were nowhere to be seen, but I'd remembered Fauzan saying something about a costume change for the cake-cutting ceremony. The food was almost catered off the buffet tables by the time we got there, so we took whatever was available. Don't ask me what I had at the wedding though; to this day I could not remember...

We were done with food by the time the bride and groom graced the hall. Ann and I stayed put, hoping Fauzan would look for us in the crowds somehow. But alas, he and Hidayah were drowned out by professional photographers snapping pose after pose. Fauzan was oblivious, so immersed in apparent bliss that he didn't see us inching closer and closer to the stage, my camera poised to capture his moment of realization.

But when he did realize our presence, I couldn't take the picture.

He had this utterly shocked look on his face. I smiled, and the shock mellowed into something else. It was like seeing relief, mixed with warmth and gratitude and sadness and.. something else I couldn't explain. Suddenly it was painful, so I immediately tried lightening things up by asking the couple to pose.

Ah, the darn painkiller was starting to wear off. I was starting to feel again..

Fauzan was being dragged everywhere for pictures, which left him very little time for us. I wish I had the chance to talk to him, but since that wasn't possible, I settled on seeing him happy. He seemed to be having the time of his life, and his happiness heaved a great boulder off my chest. I wished the rest of BTB were there for the occasion. Having just me and Ann present really made it a strange excursion.

We somehow left the wedding in an indescribable mood. I was starting to ache all over; a sign that my painkillers were waning. By the time I'd reach home, I was limping off my right ankle and feeling very grumpy for reasons unknown. I was disappointed I wasn't able to get many pictures with the Couple of the Hour. Even more disappointed when I couldn't load it onto the computer..

But, I will always hold on to that expression Fauzan had when he saw us. It wasn't completely readable, but it was clear enough to let me know that everything will be alright.

Cambodia: Chapter I

Earlier this month, my parents and I had the chance to visit the city Phnom Penh, Cambodia. I didn’t tell anyone I was going, even those closest to me - hence this entry..

Sebenarnya trip ke Phnom Penh agak tergesa-gesa. Kebetulan Majlis Ketua Kampung Daerah Gombak mengadakan ziarah ke sana, dan bila aku dapat tahu dua minggu sebelumnya, aku sign up on the spot.

Aku kira, aku ada masa, sedikit duit dan kudrat.. bila lagi?

I badly needed this excursion to bring my mind back into focus. I wished I could have gone alone for some solitude and personal space. Apa mahu buat. Aku seorang perempuan.

Banyak yang nak aku cerita, tapi malas nak buat dokumentari perjalanan yang panjang berjela. Jadinya, kita go on a day-to-day basis saja ya!


Hari 1 – Nyaris Ketinggalan

Flight pukul 3 petang. 1 pm aku masih lagi kat KL Sentral. Pasport dan tiket di tangan pakcik Adnan dan 30 orang peserta lain yang dah terlebih dahulu berada di LCCT. Ini perkara biasa dengan family aku. According to my dad, mama aku ada ”internal beeper” di punggungnya yang akan on secara automatik bila nak berjalan jauh. Sebab, bila dah duduk kat kerusi kereta baru la dia nak ingat semua benda!

Tapi Tuhan maha kuasa. Flight kami ditakdirkan lewat sejam! ^^

Rombongan ini disertai lebih 30 peserta, kebanyakannya warga emas, suami isteri. Aku sangat selesa, sebab aku serasi dengan orang tua. Their wisdom and sense of humor is refreshing, dan aku banyak belajar. Plus, for once aku boleh jadi orang muda. And that, my friends, doesn't happen a lot!

Flight Air Asia AK 852 bertolak ke Phnom Penh pukul 4:30 petang. Satu perjalanan yang menyeksakan! Tu la, aku nak sangat window seat. Kononnya nak ambil gambar.. Dah la tempat duduk tiga serangkai, ruang kaki sekangkang kera. Aku dihimpit mama dan abah yang tak kurang besar saiznya dari aku yang memang bersaiz besar. Bila aku nak ambil gambar ke luar tingkap, ada je flight attendant lalu minta aku switch off all electronics. Jadi aku tersepit, terhimpit dan tersekat... adeh!

Dua jam kemudian AK 852 masuk ke ruang udara Kemboja. Dalam kepala, aku bayangkan Phnom Penh satu tanah subur dan hijau. Luar kepala, jauh panggang dari api. Dari udara yang nampak cuma petak-petak tandus. Tak ada gunung ganang, tak ada hutan. Cuma tanah lapang dan pohon-pohon kelapa laut yang tumbuh jarang.

Waktu Kemboja mendahului Malaysia lebih kurang sejam. 6:30 petang sudah pun Maghrib. Selepas flight check-in, kami dibawa terus ke Puncak hotel, which is Malaysian owned. I was a bit disappointed we weren’t being more adventurous and local, but at least I didn’t have to become a vegetarian for the rest of the trip. Kemboja bukan negara Islam. Warganya makan apa saja, and I mean anything! Sekurang-kurangnya di hotel Puncak aku tak perlu risau halal haram.

Malam tu kami bertemu mufti Kemboja. Perjalanan mengambil masa cuma setengah jam, tapi aku dah mula mabuk dengan pemandangan. Serius, aku sangat suka dengan gaya hidup warga Phnom Penh. Mereka sangat santai!

Di bahu-bahu jalan, terutama tempat-tempat yang ada rumput, aku akan lihat orang ramai duduk santai. Mereka bukan lepak buang masa. Ada yang main badminton, menari poco-poco, berbuai dalam hammock yang digantung antara pohon-pohon kemboja.. It was like they were all one community, and the entire city was their front yard.

Bayangkan la kalau kita nak main bola atau pergi dating kat roundabout tengah-tengah KL tu. Buang tebiat namanya..

Lagi satu aku rasa nak tabik dengan Phnom Penh ialah sistem pengangkutan. Tak ada sistem! Motor, tuk-tuk dan basikal bersimpang siur antara lori, bas dan SUV. Motorist tak mencilok a la Malaysia. Kalau mahu minta lalu mereka akan memicit hon perlahan dua kali. Everyone will give way. The traffic moves at a relaxed speed of 60 kph. No rush, no road rage, no jams, no accidents. Not even one road kill.

Heaven on earth.

Setengah jam dalam bas baru tahu kami dah terlepas pejabat Mufti. Dalam kepala, aku bayang bangunan korporat, dewan besar dan refreshments. Luar kepala, pejabat mufti berupa rumah dua tingkat yang malap dan berbau reban ayam. Kami dibawa ke belakang rumah, ke sebuah dewan yang langitnya dah setengah runtuh. Meja conference kami dilitupi kain hijau lusuh dan kami dihidangkan air mineral; yang terbaik dapat mereka berikan buat saudara dari jauh.

Namun perbincangan malam tu aku tak boleh lupa. Mufti bercerita tentang Islam dan Kemboja; tentang pertalian orang Campa dan orang Melayu; tentang bahasa; tentang kemiskinan yang sampai sekarang tak dapat mereka hindari. Kemiskinan yang selama ini aku dengarkan, malam itu terpampang di depan mata. Dengan terbuka mereka meminta bantuan atas nama saudara seagama.

Dalam perjalanan pulang aku berfikir; adakah lawatan kecil kami ini akan dapat memanfaatkan mereka? Atau sekadar melepaskan batuk di tangga? Apa sebenarnya tujuan aku ke sini? Aku tak nafikan, tujuan asal hanyalah untuk suka-suka. Tak ada misi sebenar untuk membantu.

Aku rasa sangat malu.

But for the first time since my arrival in Cambodia, I truly felt thankful to be there.