Toe the line

Apa aku buat selepas tahlil arwah atuk?

Aku menghilangkan diri dengan Coolpix abah. Merayau satu kampung dituruti Acha, Longot dan Omey. Aku dah serik dengan bisik-bisik pengajaran dan anjuran bersabar para hadirin. I know they meant well. But in the end, this will be just another day, another death, a part of life for them. For the sake of my grandpa, I refused to remember it that way.

Lalu selepas yasin dan doa aku meloloskan diri, mencari warna selain putih; bunyi selain ratap. Dan aku sapa atuk dalam mekar kembang dan siul petang kampung kesayangannya.

Kadang-kadang aku rasa lemas jadi dewasa.

Lebih dari memikul tanggungjawab, ada sejenis politik keluarga dan tradisi yang seperti harus aku anuti. Diluah mati emak, ditelan mati bapak. Kalau kulum dalam mulut saja, aku pula yang jadi mangsa.

Kita semua manusia.. arwah Makngah aku selalu cakap macam tu. Zaman aku tak faham, aku interpret ayat ni sepertimana orang lain: Kita adalah makhluk yang tak lari dari kesilapan. Jika kamu perhatikan, ayat cliche ini positif. Dalam diam kita terima orang lain seadanya; secara tak langsung kita memaafkan.

But, everything in life is a double-edged sword..

Melihat keadaan keluarga aku selepas pemergian arwah atuk, aku sedar mungkin Makngah cuba mengatakan sesuatu, dan ianya tak sepositif yang aku sangka. Keluarga yang dahulu aku sanjung kerana tali persaudaraan yang sangat kukuh, sudah mula mempamer cela. Di mana ada harta dan wang ringgit, di situ akan selalu ada dendam dan fitnahnya.

Aku mahu jadi anak-anak. Aku mahu diasingkan dari pertelingkahan dan sesi tuduh-menuduh. Malangnya, aku sudah matang. Sudah boleh diseret ke dalam lubuk. Lalu aku disajikan sifat kelam orang-orang yang aku sayangi. Duniaku jadi terbalik bila aku pula yang harus jadi antara suara-suara yang objektif. Tembok hormatku terhakis bukan sedikit.

Kita semua manusia. Zaman aku faham, ayat ini aku tafsirkan sepertimana yang aku alami.

We're not evil because we're only human.. We're only human because we're evil.

Staring Contest

I've been watching him for the past twenty minutes.

He's oblivious to my surveillance, acute senses tuned-in on the hyperactive cackling group of girls we happen to be sharing a lab with. He's probably more than a little bored. Sitting at the far end of the lab bench, stubborn chin leaned softly on the back of a right hand as he continued to stare languidly at the scene unfolding on my side of the room.

Me? you may call me a laissez faire spirit.. most of the time. But I'm also the type to take keen interest in my environment, and lately, that environment consisted of giggling females prone to breaking into wild cacophony whenever he was present. Under normal circumstances this wouldn't have bothered me in the least. But as it stands, the subject in question has managed to frazzle even my own usually level state of mind.

What on earth is this guy oozing to make the girls tick?

I had to wonder briefly if it was his attention that was causing such rapture from the girls. Really, if guys only knew what wondrously decieving species we females have evolved to be. We're utter mischief smothered in that innocently sweet, brown gooey stuff we all like to lick off our fingers from time to time..

And FYI, mischief is the fun part you guys get to have on the occasion you decide to pledge the rest of your lives to us. Before that, everything is a deception. A test of worthiness. Before that, we're just—

"—liquid nitrogen in mortar and pestle."

What??

A few taps on the shoulder and my rapt attention shifted to a labmate materializing seemingly out of nowhere. She stood to my left, giving off such a strong vibe of I mean business in her off-white lab coat and powder-free gloves that I had the sudden urge to laugh and apologize at the same time.

We were a team. She would have spent the last fifteen minutes poring over the lab manual, highlighting the terms, making all the necessary calculations and gathering the equipments. Knowing her, she probably would have completed at least the first two steps of the excercise.

All while I was ignorantly ogling the most eligible bachelor this side of the Pusu river..

She proceeded to reiterate the Plant DNA Extraction excercise for me, ticking off the steps as she went along. I gave a brief nod to each one; asked a few relevant questions. She answered them with narrowed eyes, sure I was up to something. But once satisfied with my level of attention to the task at hand, she left, allowing me to spend more time on my subject of interest.

Last time I looked, he was still focused on the girls.

This time I looked, his focus has shifted.

Right onto me.

Oh, busted!

On a normal day - where I play the sharpwitted superfox at the top of my game - the quickest response to this would have been a raised eyebrow and that sassy whatchu lookin' at, punk? look thrown his way.

But this wasn't normal. This was something more. A blatant challenge.

Historically, he and I never saw things eye to eye. I always thought it was because our egos were evenly matched; they were often inflated to high heavens. We never agreed to disagree either. That would imply willingness to incite goodwill. No, we disagreed. Period.

It also didn't help matters that we were both very deceptive beings. Impressive and affable though we may seem on the outside, we were two people painfully aware of our flaws and shortcomings, and strive hardest to keep them hidden from prying eyes. As a consequence, we consciously painted ourselves the very picture of fierce independence and reliability. We took on vast roles among classmates; we were leaders, mediators, and mentors.

The very definition of a consummate teacher's pet.

Subconsciously however, we've become each other's mirror. We disliked each other for reflecting that pretentious but necessary image the both of us have come to recognize only too well.

So there we were, eyes suddenly riveted on each other, neither one willing to back off. I didn't want to give in. I couldn't. I didn't want him to regard me as one of the girls he could subdue - heaven knows he had a reputation for that. I wanted to show him that I was equal adversary. More importantly, I wanted to be acknowledged as one.

But alas, my true nature was often the polar opposite of my actions, curse it all!

See, my formative years were spent immersed in a culture where women addressed men in quiet voices and from behind solid objects - preferably pillars, doors, or walls.. Really, there was a time in my life when catching a man's eye - even for a moment - mortified me to shame. Eyes are windows to the soul; they are not meant to be broached by mere acquaintances.

And yet here I was, playing tug of war with an unbearably male opponent.

His gaze became sharper, gaining advantage on my reluctance. He was determined to drive me to the floor, that was for sure. I was losing. But, if I had to go down, I was intent on taking him with me.

So I did the only thing I thought would disarm him enough for both of us to break even.

Looking straight into his eyes, I gave him the widest, toothiest grin I could afford. I aimed the corners of my mouth right into my ears, possibly shredding my cheek muscles in the process. I had to make it work. My effing dignity depended on it!

And he responded. Though, not quite the way I'd hoped...

He wasn't the least bit surprised, his stoic expression kept firmly in place. But his eyes.. how they narrowed perceptibly at me; a look of utter ridicule possibly meant to raise my hackles. I read the message clear as day.

You're an idiot for even trying.

Haish..

Ah well, I lost the battle. Sour grapes, I know, but you can't win 'em all, can you? I don't know if I'll ever win the war with him; I wish there wasn't one. But I was relieved to have overcome this one obstacle..

It'll be easier for the both of us once he knows what a crazy bi**h I can be.

___________________________________________________________

Author's note: It couldn't be more emphasized that this entry has been written according to how the author felt AT THE TIME. The author wishes to express that her relationship with the person in question has since then evolved into something much stronger.

He shall always be counted as one of her dearest friends.

Betterment: Part II

So, hati dah selesai menyelidik. Obviously something needs to change. Tapi, apa nak buat dengan 'keliatan' aku?

When in doubt, FORCE IT.

Aku dah tak punya banyak masa. Waktu tu, puasa dah masuk seminggu. Kalau nak tunggu diri aku sedar sendiri dan ambik mood bulan Ramadhan, tak berubah la aku sampai bila-bila. Jadi aku decide untuk letakkan penghayatan di takuk kedua, dan aku dahulukan soal ritual.

Tiap-tiap malam aku paksa diri solat tarawih 23 rakaat. Tiap-tiap awal pagi aku paksa diri bangun sahur dan pergi sembahyang Subuh berjemaah di masjid. Sebelum ke ofis aku paksa diri tadarus dulu dengan mama. Mp3 aku tolak tepi (most of the time); Ceramah Ustaz Zahazan dan Nasaruddin Hassim jadi ganti.

Atas semua paksaan ni, seksanya hanya Dia yang tahu..

23 rakaat tiap-tiap malam, kalau kamu tak biasa, boleh buat kamu menangis! Baru rakaat kedua aku dah mula rimas; bila nak habis? bila nak habis? First two days, kaki dan lengan aku lenguh tahap cipan dek berkali-kali rukuk dan sujud. Tak cukup tarawih, bila hari minggu mama mesti suruh solat fardhu berjemaah di rumah, kalau tak ke masjid. Aku rasa lemas, seperti tak ada masa untuk diri sendiri. Tapi aku turutkan juga.

Mengaji Qur'an lagi satu perkara. Sebab dah jarang buat, bila tadarus aku sangkut-sangkut. Sifat, makhraj dan harkat entah kemana. Malu betul aku baca depan mama. Nampak sangat la anak sulung dia malas mengaji. Nasib baik dia penyabar. Tatih aku ayat demi ayat. Ulang lagi, ulang lagi, tah berapa kali. Bila tak tadarus aku berlatih baca ayat juz amma supaya aku lebih lancar. More time spent doing something I don't usually do.. haih!

Aku berkongsi semua ni bukan untuk tunjukkan betapa padatnya aktiviti ibadah aku bulan Ramadhan ni. Jauh sekali. Yang aku nak buktikan ialah, bila kita dah terbiasa dengan sesuatu, penghayatan akan datang dengan sendirinya.

Sekarang ni hati aku dah berubah sikit dari 'tak mahu' kepada 'boleh terima.' Tarawih dah kurang menyeksakan. Hati aku masih lagi bertanya bila nak habis? - tapi di rakaat 16, sebab tahap tu kaki aku dah mula lenguh. Tadarus masih merangkak, tapi boleh tahan sebab mama suka selitkan sedikit pengajian harfiah yang dipelajarinya setiap malam jumaat di surau Kampung Melayu.

Dua perkara yang aku dah 'suka' ialah sembahyang jemaah dan dengar ceramah dari CD dan radio IKIM. Sembahyang jemaah means aku solat on-time. Tak perlu risau sembahyang di hujung waktu, seperti kebiasaannya.. (-_-) Aku suka slot Ustaz Zahazan dan Ustaz Nasaruddin Hassim di IKIM fm. Kupasan kitab-kitab dan surah-surah mereka sangat menarik. And plus, suara dua-dua pun sangat comel.. ;p

Mungkin tahun ni aku tak dapat menghayati Ramadhan dengan sepenuhnya, sebab aku masih lagi dalam proses kembali ke arus normal dan cuba mencukupkan apa yang patut. Dari segi ini aku sangat bertuah ada mama. Pada aku dia sudah berada di jalan yang terang; aku cuma perlu mengikut. It definitely would have been impossible if I had to take this journey on my own..

Tahun depan. Tahun depan kalau ada rezeki aku untuk bertemu Ramadhan lagi, Insyaallah aku akan cuba buat sebaik mungkin.