SOMEBODY'S MIRACLE

A trip to the Sungai Buloh nurseries ^^

2011-12-07T22:46:00.024+08:00

Honestly, I never thought this place existed. Buried somewhere in the back roads of Sungai Buloh is a long street full of living colors! My camera was in love.. ^^

Bougainvilleas! I've been searching for this exact color.. ^^

Orchid terracotta pots.. so cute! ^^

My mother's favorite, yellow daisies. Fashionably messy..

Not sure what these are, but pretty..

These flowers remind me of China. I've never been there, but... yeah.

So many varieties of Hibiscus these days.. can you call this one a national flower?

These remind me of my late Opah, for some weird reason..

Might be good for ant-control around the house..

Lilies (?) originally white with yellow centers.. very pretty flowers.

Tiger orchids! I wanted one, but orchids are expensive, and fickle..

Who is that in the background? XD

My 'kampung' flowers. The white version of this one grows all over my grandma's house..

Actually, it wasn't because I loved gardening that I took to the nurseries. I love plants, yes, but gardening meant pruning and trimming and all that controlling stuff. I like my plants awry and wild, thank you very much; let them stretch their limbs ~branches, creepers, whatever~ wherever they please! Honestly, the way my dad was wielding the garden at home, I was afraid of getting any sort of plant at all for fear they would be confined to such limited existence...

My sole reason for the trip was actually, photography. I've been learning a bit, and I thought I should apply it using whatever mediocre means I have on hand (that would be my Canon EOS 500D with standard 18-55mm lens, folks). Don't get me wrong, I love my camera. I was just trying out my skills, if I have any.

They say if you've got talent, equipments won't matter... What do you think?

Unique vs. Dysfunctional..

2011-09-23T11:23:00.004+08:00

..dan aku selalu sangka yang aku the former.

Bila kita kecik dan berdepan dengan hidup yang tak berapa mahu nak serupa dengan orang lain, kita akan cepat-cepat pretend macam kita memang nak hidup kita camtu. Kita perdaya kawan-kawan, kita berlakon sakan. Boleh main ramai-ramai tiap-tiap petang, tapi jangan bawak member balik rumah, takut-takut nanti dia tak mahu lagi berkawan dengan kita..

Kamu pernah rasa risau camtu? Orang selalu kata, life is what you make of it as long as you’re happy. Kut tak happy pun, convince yourself that you are..

Bila kita kecik, unik ialah satu perkataan yang sangat berguna. Bukan saja untuk tutup aib kita sebagai manusia yang sebenarnya susah nak berfungsi dalam komuniti, tapi juga sebagai penyedap hati yang mungkin dah berkira-kira nak label diri sendiri tak betul atau menyimpang dari adat. As long as kita unik, tak ada siapa yang boleh kata apa-apa. Kita lain dari yang lain, and that’s always a good thing, right?

RIGHT!! Cumanya..

Bila dah besar, kita akan cari makna sebenar hidup, dan untuk mencari makna itu kita akan selalu memandang ke belakang.

Unik hanyalah satu perkataan; satu tirai tipuhelah yang cuba menggambarkan secara positif apa yang kita tak faham, atau tak mampu nak jelaskan. Kalau aku mahu jujur dengan diri, unik hanyalah alasan untuk membenarkan zaman kanak-kanak yang tunggang-langgang; mengakuri perlakuan kasar dan kata-kata kesat orang lain; sebagai pengubat parut-luka bila berkelahi dengan psyche sendiri..

‘Keunikan’ aku memang tak boleh nak diubah. It’s done and over with. Aku bersyukur yang disebalik tirai itu aku masih lagi mampu dewasa menjadi manusia yang berguna. Mampu berterima kasih, dan mampu juga memaafkan.

Tapi aku dah serik dengan unik ini. That curtain is coming down.

ps: if you choose to click the link (the word 'curtain'), I'm apparently a hero..

2011-08-03T15:22:00.014+08:00

Balik dari solat subuh di Masjid, mak kata:

"Ni kamu dengan Pura dah kerja ni, mama nak mintak kamu handle bil-bil rumah."

Yang tak terkeluar dari mulut:

"Nak kitaorang bayar sewa bilik sekali ke? I mean, you know.. cuz that would be like, the ONLY thing left we haven't contributed to."

For those of you guys renting your own place, living out of your own pockets and missing home? I ENVY YOU~

At least you've got someplace where you can still go back to being the child, ya know?

(-_____-)v

Worth the effort

2011-07-26T12:35:00.007+08:00

"To quietly fall for someone is to give them the power to harm you. Whether or not the other person actually needs or wants that kind of advantage and responsibility over you, realization of it will dawn on them unfairly, and often too late."

- When Fallen Angels Fly -

The way I see it? Anything that is done out of moderation constitutes a risk, and if there was ever anything out there that absolutely could not be expressed in moderation, it would be love.

Our heartbreaks, letdowns and disappointments - while very painful to deal with - are necessary risks we take to venture out in life. If we are as sensible as we claim to be, then we must also accept that we are accountable for the things that we do (and feel), and the consequences that befall us. Perhaps the best way to heal is to reach into ourselves and find the source of strength that allowed us to take that first courageous step to begin with.

It takes two to tango, no matter how the dance ends. But in the larger scheme of things, what really matters is the effort you made to turn it into an amazing performance.. :)

Be careful what you wish for..

2011-07-22T11:58:00.004+08:00

Three weeks ago, my favorite physician diagnosed me with a mild case of acid reflux.

Surprise, surprise! and here I thought I was going to use that as an excuse to cover up the real reason for my, er.. unusual eating habits and weight loss. Turns out God has a very cynical way of punishing people huh? well, serves me right I guess...

Now I'm on Gaviscon and prescription medication (Zantac), and my food choices dwindled even more, at least for the time being.. No sour or spicy stuff (most fruits, tomatoes, chillies), no high fat (butter, pasta, sour cream, ice cream, chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes.. you get the idea) and absolutely no caffeine or soda of any kind.

I've tried pushing boundaries with foods that are restricted to me. I'm the type not to give in to stereotypes, so I want to know for myself what I really can and cannot eat. The result? Well, I now know that caffeine & soda really is NOT good for reflux! I don't drink soda often but my family drinks tea a lot and I will usually bring a tumbler to work. I find that aside from causing major chest pains, tea also tends to prolong reflux symptoms. I've since stopped having them and opted for milk or milk-based beverages instead.

Which causes another unexpected problem... (-__-)

See, milk is usually good for the stomach, right? old people say it calms it down. But what I didn't know was, milk will cause acid reflux while sleeping, and OMG I cannot tell you how painful this is! (>_<) Imagine suddenly waking up in the middle of the night with acid in your throat, and you instinctively go into a coughing fit to get rid of it. I've been through a few episodes, and only found out what's been causing them this morning.. (=_=)

So now I have to be careful with milk, which is unfortunate because it's the only protein source I can actually stomach right now. And the same goes with anything that includes it. For example, I find that I'm okay with Milo, only if it's the "O" version.. yuck!

For the past three weeks, I have gone a couple of days at a time without food, simply because my stomach just wouldn't handle it. The thing that drove me nuts though? my brain keeps telling me I'm hungry, so despite my condition I am always tempted to try to put something down my throat.. which I would upchuck again 5 minutes later, dammit!

Haish, I'm thankful this is still mild.. I shudder to think what chronic reflux feels like! (O_O)

Independent.. OMG like, really!?

2011-07-12T12:06:00.006+08:00

A good friend’s back-bending efforts to track her monthly expenditure have left me a little breathless.

Honestly I admire her diligence in micromanaging her budget. It is exciting for me to see all the figures come together on the ledger she posts every few weeks on her blog. Not to mention, of course, a small degree of envy at the headway she’s making towards her future financial freedom.. It is a subject I spend a lot of time thinking about these days; among other things freedom-related, that is.

In our close circle of friends, I feel we have learned most from each other. That said, I have tried (though not nearly as earnestly) to manage my own salary in the hopes of bringing about positive change to my constantly erratic month-to-month spending pattern. I started with what I thought couldn’t go wrong; I relied on the same managing software, and the same simple approach to saving: stop buying things I don’t need, and stop needing things I can’t buy!

My enthusiasm however, yielded very different results. And my one true mistake – if I could call it that – lies in the fundamentals.

I came to this realization too late: my life is not my own to work with.

With the exception of some money set aside automatically every month in a separate account, I have very little savings to speak of. Looking at my own ledger for the last couple of months, I realized my cash flow went mostly in contribution to household duties: groceries, house phone and internet bills, small funding for brothers still in school, cars, cats.. They are all necessary things, and ones I cannot help but pay for.

Hey, all that on a student stipend of RM1200 a month.. I’m lucky I can still afford dinner with friends every few weeks!

See, independence is a relative thing. To a lot of people, it does mean being in control of our own lives; to finally break free of all holds and limitations previously imposed. By becoming self-sufficient we gain licence to adulthood and the carte blanche that comes with it. We begin crafting the future we’ve always wanted, and for most, it is one that is necessarily outside the direct influence of family and friends.

But to the select few – and yes, I’d like to think myself special in this way – it is just another way of saying, “hey, I’m financially ready to take over family headaches. What can I start paying for?”

What does not kill you will only make you stronger..

BRING IT ON.

patch of memories

2011-06-13T21:49:00.004+08:00

This used to be just one of the many songs I knew growing up. I was too young to understand it back then, and in any case life was never that complicated to warrant deep self-reflections. But my life has changed drastically since, and I find myself surprised at how much these words have the power to suddenly - and strongly - affect me..

I took my love, I took it down..

Climbed a mountain and I turned around..

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills,

Till the landslide brought me down..

Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well I’ve been afraid of changing,

'Cause I’ve built my life around you..

But time makes you bolder,

Children get older,

I'm getting older too..

So..

Take this love, take it down..

Climb a mountain and turn around..

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills,

Well the landslide will bring it down..

Well well, the landslide will bring it down..

- Landslide

By Fleetwood Mac

Mata turun ke hati

2011-06-03T11:12:00.007+08:00

Ada teman meminta saya (saya??) mengulas pengalaman menunaikan ibadah Umrah di Tanah Suci baru-baru ini.

Sejujurnya, saya tak mahu menulis tentang Umrah. Saya melihat ibadah serta amalan di Makkah dan Madinah sebagai satu pengalaman sangat unik. Jika saya utarakan di sini, saya takut akan mengundang berbagai persoalan dan mungkin kritikan - secara senyap tentunya - tentang kedudukan iman saya saat ini. Saya tak mahu nanti dari pengalaman yang mengajarkan, kisah saya di Al-Haram menjadi sesuatu yang penuh was-was dan kesal.

Saya tak perlu kepada semua itu. Saya mahu istiqamah bersangka baik dengan yang maha Agung.

Saya baru sedar, kita ini terlalu banyak stigma tentang Tanah Suci.. Kalau begini pengalamannya, alhamdulillah! Umrah mabrur! Kalau begitu pula.. sah, Umrahnya panggilan Syaitan, na'uzubillah! Yang tentunya, kita bukan Tuhan. Kita bukan pemberi rahmat dan keampunan. Dan dengan sebab itu saja, kita tak layak memberi nilai atas kerjaan ibadah dan amalan kita sendiri, apa lagi atas kepunyaan orang lain.

Muhasabah untuk setiap pengalaman itu, sama ada yang ditafsir baik atau buruk, adalah milik mutlak pelakunya sendiri.

Cuma ini saja yang mampu saya sampaikan kepada yang akan pergi:

1. Iqra'!

Baca dengan sebanyak mungkin sirah para Anbiya' (terima kasih Nurul atas pesanan yang satu ini ^^) Saya bermula dari sirah Nabi Ibrahim AS kerana menziarahi Jerusalem. Bila kita tahu cerita, kita lebih sensitif dan appreciative dengan persekitaran.

2. Slow down! Take the time to realize where you are, what you're there for, and what it all means.

Sungguh saya banyak belajar kalau Makkah bukan tempat untuk tergesa-gesa melakukan sesuatu. Terasa seperti banyak yang perlu dibuat, macam tak sempat-sempat! Lalu kita bergegas ke sana ke mari, mencari itu ini, hingga kita akhirnya kurang menghayati apa sebenarnya yang sedang kita buat.

Susun apa yang nak dilakukan setiap hari, dan buat persediaan awal. And for heaven's sakes, rehat dan tidur itu amatlah penting! Ada jemaah yang semangatnya meluap-luap hingga tak mahu langsung meninggalkan masjid, hingga jatuh sakit dan ketiduran dalam saf.. Is this really necessary? Pada pendapat saya, untuk beribadah itu harus ada presence of mind, dan untuk menghadirkan minda, jasad harus peka dan tenang.

3. Keep it simple.

Ini saya cadangkan buat yang pertama kali pergi. Kalau dah berkali-kali pergi, tak baca entry ni pun tak apa..

Sungguh, kita semua ingin lakukan yang terbaik di Tanah Suci. Kita nak baca du'a yang panjang-panjang, yang mustajab, yang all-encompassing.. Tapi sebagai langkah permulaan, saya saran biasakan diri dengan ayat-ayat lazim. Ini sangat penting, supaya bila kita akhirnya berdiri di hadapan Kaabah buat pertama kali misalnya, kita tak panik nak keluarkan itu ini dari beg sandang, atau terkial-kial mencari kalimah tepat di lembaran buku ringkas. Saya teringat ungkapan Ustaz Misbah yang mengiringi kami:

Cukup dengan mengucapkan Syahadah ketika melihat Baitullah pertama kalinya, andai terlalu terpegun sehingga lupa segala zikir dan du'a.. Kaabah adalah teras ibadah kita (sebagai qiblat), dan Syahadah pula adalah teras iman kita. Lalu apa yang lebih sesuai bagi seorang hamba selain menyatakan sumpah setia kepada Tuhan ketika datang menghampiri rumahNya?

Ayat-ayat lazim juga sangat membantu ketika Tawaf dan Sa'ie, terutamanya bila suara mutawwif yang sedang membimbing jemaah dalam doa panjang ditenggelami suara para mutawwif lain yang turut semangat membimbing jemaah mereka sendiri.. (-_-)v Dalam situasi begini ramai yang jadi tergesa-gesa dan bertolak-tolak untuk mendengar dan menuruti apa yang dibacakan mutawwif, hingga mengganggu jemaah lain dan perjalanan tawaf. Fokus ibadah jadi teralih daripada Baitullah, dan lenyaplah spiritual connection dengan apa yang sedang dikerjakan.

Sayang sekali bila yang dapat dilengkapi hanyalah ritual Umrah itu saja.

4. Don't be afraid.

Ada segelintir yang takut nak kemana-mana di Tanah Suci. Bila tak ada kawan tak mahu pergi ke masjid. Kesana kemari harus berteman. Ya, hati manusia siapa tahu, kan? Kita kena selalu berjaga-jaga..

Namun, bersangka baiklah dengan Allah SWT. InsyaAllah kita terjaga. Bukankah kita tetamuNya? ^^

Sebenarnya ada banyak lagi yang mahu saya kongsikan, tapi buat masa ini, biarlah itu saja dulu. Saya bukanlah ilmuan agama, jauh sekali. Saya cuma berkongsi tips mengikut pengalaman saya sendiri. Semoga berguna, ya! ^^

The State of Religiousness

2011-04-15T08:41:00.010+08:00

In about a week, I'll be heading to the Holy Land for a short pilgrimage. This is something expected of every able Muslim, and though it isn't exactly full-blown Hajj, the thought of performing this religious deed still sets me very much on edge.

Is it normal to be terrified of God's call?

In my current life, I will admit Umrah isn't exactly high on my to-do list. I mean, there are mundane, everyday religious tasks I have yet to perfect! Surely those should be given top priority? Umrah requires dedicating all focus and intentions towards submitting to Allah SWT. Point is, how do I do that in Mecca when I can hardly achieve it five times a day, at home.. (-___-)v

We all have faith skeletons hiding in our closets. And as far as closets are concerned, mine is the walk-in kind..

Going Home: Preview

2011-04-02T22:21:00.007+08:00

I'm going home.

To the place where I belong,

And where your love has always been enough for me.

I'm not running from,

No, I think you got me all wrong.

I don't regret this life I chose for me.

But these faces and these places are getting old..

So, I'm going home.

Putrajaya & Bagan Lalang Pics

2011-03-14T16:20:00.023+08:00

To those who have been waiting for pics, I'm sorry for not posting sooner. Needed to tweak them a bit.. Enjoy! ^^

PUTRAJAYA

Nak naik Putrajaya Lake Cruise..

Time ni gak la bangla-bangla dari mana tah sibuk nak naik cruise sekali. Dah la ambik semua kerusi tepi tingkap, hampeh!

On the front deck of the boat..

Ati gelakkan Lim Kok Wing jatuh lam air main waterski..

Ann dengan cermin mata hitam 'otomatik' dia. Cermin mata sitot old-fashion punya..

Kak Long ni tetiba je hilang. Alih-alih tengok dia sibuk mengurat Kapten Ramli..

Kekura yang sangat comel kat kedai cenderamata. Nak beli, tapi kakak kat counter tu kasi evil eye sebab amik gambar, langsung tak jadi..

History repeats itself.. 6 years later! Wey, mana eskrim korang?

Lunch kat Abdullah Chan. Tak selera nak makan, so tangkap gambar pun jadi la.. Ni nama dia buttered prawns..

Um, something ikan masin? Bukan kailan though..

Ayam masak..... ??

Sup tauhu dan bebola ikan! Ingat nama sebab ni je yang boleh makan! ^^

Daging... masak merah? I'm sorry people, I just can't remember. Sedap tapi!

BAGAN LALANG

Bagan Lalang banyak tul ketam. Satu pantai tu penuh dengan tahi bulat-bulat dia.. comel kan? ^^

Sukun goreng.. Yum! tapi last time aku cuba benda ni muntah tak habis.. so tak berani nak usik lagi dah.

Cik Mun makan sukun sambil anyam ketupat..

Dan anyam lagi...

Dan lagi...

The entire time dekat pantai ni, macam takut-takut terkena tsunami. So duduk jauh-jauh sikit dari gigi air..

Tiga dara: hyper... keletihan... mengantuk...

Hah, tahi bulat-bulat ketam.. Lagi besar bulatan, lagi besar la ketamnya. Nature really is a work of art!

Tengok apa tu?

Senja kat Bagan Lalang, taken just before leaving.. The floating chalets are part of the rather famous Golden Palm Tree Resort.

THE END! ^^

Doctors in the House!

2011-03-11T21:06:00.004+08:00

The relationship I have with my specialist is very similar to the relationship I have with my MSc supervisor: they both expect great things from me, they both want me to do well.. and obviously, I'm the one who has to work very hard at it.

Yes yes, for my own sake, of course.. but the three of us probably couldn't deny that it'll make them look good in the end! ^^

But there is one major difference.

See, I tend to grit my teeth and take it like a grown woman when it came to my SV. I quietly listen to whatever complaint she has with my higher education and it's progress, and then I go home and chart my own friggin' plans because, admittedly, I feel like I know what I'm doing. Of course, I probably couldn't ignore all of her concerns (she's not an idiot, and I DO take her advice seriously..) but I feel like I'm allowed to do things my way... somewhat.

With my specialist? I seem to have developed a totally different approach.

I whine. Literally.. (-___-)

I know, I know.. you're going to say it's because he's a man. To be more specific, he's a man who knows what's wrong with me and how to fix it, and he's charming and sweet about getting me to do the things I really need to do to get better. I mean, if I was seeing a female specialist, she'd probably give it to me straight, without the sugar-coating ~If you don't change this habit, be prepared to die young!~ or something like that, which unfortunately I have heard before..

Instead, I get the ~Help me help you! We'll set a target for this much weightloss in three months, okay? We can do this!~ from my cute, highly sympathetic male specialist.

And the even funnier thing?

With my SV, I tend to be in agreement up front, but retaliate in private. At the end of the day, I always feel like I want to do things my way, despite the numerous suggestions that have been made before. It's not that I don't respect her wishes. Really, I do. But with her, I seem to desperately need to show that I can handle it. I want her to know that I am capable of solving my own problems.

But with my specialist? I tend to retaliate up front, but end up going with whatever's been suggested.. Yes we argue, but for some odd reason I find disappointing him not an option. I may not like his suggestions, but I take them seriously; at least finding them worth a try.

Aish, the art and power of persuasion.. (-__-)

Crystals... what?

2011-01-27T09:43:00.006+08:00

It was 12:30 am and I'd just switched off the TV after an interesting rerun of Mean Girls when..

"Piii! tengok Bear ni ha.. something's wrong with him!"

Bear, one of my four precious hand-raised kittens (pictured above) seem to have finally come home after disappearing the entire afternoon. I'd been checking the front and backyard all evening, hoping he'd turn up at some point.

I was very worried, because not two weeks ago his little brother Chume was found dead in the bushes at the back of my house, and I wasn't able to identify the cause of death. My cats were the kind that roamed, and the residents of my neighborhood exercised little restraint in the use of pesticides and rodent poisons around their homes. I've lost more than a few of my beloved feline friends to their ignorance. Bear's mum was one of them.

I followed my mum out into the backyard to see him standing on the cement, both front paws immersed in the large bowl of water we used to supply drinking water to the cats. He was wet all over; it looked like he'd been trying to empty the bowl of every last bit of liquid it contained by pawing them out.

The scene was weird enough, but I continue to look for other signs. I called out his name, to which he responded with a soft huff. His movement was slow and he seemed in a daze, almost sleepy-like. But when I saw his back legs start to wobble and give way, I knew he was in trouble.

As per usual my mum lost her mind and hyperventilated around the kitchen, blaming idiotic neighbors and their ignorant use of chemicals. I had to tune her out as I scooped Bear up in a dry towel and quickly arrange a cat carrier to house him for the night. After he'd settle down, I rushed up to my room, turned on my laptop and googled the nearest 24-hour vet clinic. Thank God, there was one near Jalan Pekeliling, downtown KL.

The trip was surprisingly calm. I made it to the vet in under 15 minutes, and I had Bear registered and on the examination table in less than 5. He was plenty scared, coming close to me and mewing every few seconds. After the initial check-up, I found out he wasn't poisoned. Nor was he having a viral infection, which was the next common thing.

"He's got crystals in his urethra, which makes it hard to pass urine. See the spasms in his back legs? toxins are being recirculated in his body and it's affecting his muscles and balance."

Well, that's a first.

Apparently cats can develop something like kidney stones from eating processed catfood such as Friskies and Smarthearts. Although high-end brands such as Science Diet may reduce the risk, some cats still develop them due to the high content of sodium and oils in these foods. If not treated, it will cause damage to the kidneys, and in most cases lead to death. According to the doctor, we were the third case that night. One of the cats that were brought in didn't make it.

A five-day treatment was prescribed. Have you ever 'warded' a pet before? It's not cheap, I can tell you that.. I ended up splitting the bill with my mum. The deposit alone was RM600, and because Bear was my baby, it's only fair that I share the cost.

It's a price I'd pay to make sure he's alright though. I've spent money on him since he lost his mum at two weeks old. The baby wipes, the feeding bottles, and 1 kg of Dutch Lady's Honey powdered milk every two weeks.. Not to mention the time and care I'd given. After all that, I definitely wasn't going to lose him to some effing crystals!

To the producers of Friskies, Whiskas, Smarthearts or what have you... please, please, pleeaase do some actual R&D work on your products. We spend loads buying them - they aren't exactly cheap! - only to spend loads more rehabilitating our pets because of them. How is this fair?

Anyway, starting next week I'm buying fresh fish for my kitties. Believe it or not, it's actually cheaper than buying catfood. What's surprising though, is that the doctor doesn't recommend fresh food, because it doesn't have "complete nutrition".. O_o

Can you spell r-u-b-b-i-s-h?

Seriously, if I can eat rice and fish and still live, I doubt my babies will have much of a problem! :)

Chumie-yah, omma ga chungmal pogo shippuh suh..

Chume, mummy miss you so very much..

M.I.A

2011-01-26T11:08:00.000+08:00

Why does this always happen when I leave the office to get some labwork done?

Boss : Hey.. so I'll see you tomorrow at 3pm?

Author : Hm? what's at 3pm?

Boss : ....... haven't you been checking your email?

Author : I have! but I haven't seen anything from our unit lately..

Boss : We're leaving for Pasoh tomorrow. There's a dinner tomorrow night and a meeting the next morning.

Author : What!? but I've lined-up all my labwork up till the end of the week. How..?

Boss : *sigh* you really need to get out of your cave and come back to reality sometime..

Just so you know, it wasn't entirely my fault. My email address was left out of circulation when the announcement was given out. I'm still kind of bummed out to be missing the family dinner tomorrow. The past few months I finally felt like I was connecting with my colleagues at the office.

Just my luck. I am the ecologist slash molecular biologist slash MSc student, and it seems that whenever I retreated to labwork, other realities fall apart, without me wanting it to.

I feel like such a coelacanth.

Happiness and Meaning

2011-01-11T22:34:00.004+08:00

The ways of happiness and meaning are not the same. To find happiness, a man need only live in the moment; he need only live for the moment. But if he wants meaning - the meaning of his dreams, his secrets, his life - a man must reinhabit his past, however dark, and live for the future, however uncertain. Thus nature dangles happiness and meaning before us all, insisting only that we choose between them.

Jed Rubenfeld

The Interpretation of Murder

What does it mean to give meaning to life?

I thought it was all about taking responsibility, about making it count, about taking the less traveled and necessarily harder path of existence. Experiences from these certainly make for interesting tales and reminiscence. And that, in its essence, is the true meaning of life.

Or is it?

In the larger scheme of things, I'm beginning to wonder if it would it be so wrong to have it simple and easy..

France: Montpellier

2011-01-04T15:04:00.016+08:00

Montpellier was our actual destination in France. My mum had a five-day discussion and conference with a French counterpart she was working with. This place had a really nice small town feel. There weren't really big skyscrapers or busy traffic or people rushing all over the place..

Just sunny weather, and really warm and polite people.. Unlike Paris, I absolutely loved this town! ^^

Kyriad Hotel has a chain all over France. I'd hoped to be staying at the same chain in Paris. Their services are to die for.. ^^

Breakfast at the Kyriad.. and this is just one third of the dishes served! But, on the downside, I only got to have hotel breakfast twice the entire time I was at Montpellier. You see, while our rooms were paid for two people, breakfast is only provided for one person.. so my mum and I gilir2. An extra person for breakfast would cost EU10 per day.

Something worth mentioning: Since our room didn't come equipped with a fridge, I kept my butter from melting by placing it on our windowsill during the day.. it was that cold!

I went on my first excursion through the town on my own. One thing about France, you'll often see these chalkboards placed outside shops, restaurants and cafes, listing their offerings. And what does this particular cafe serve? various tartines (toasted breads with toppings), assiettes (platters) and of course, wine..

I don't know why, but I've noticed that temperate countries tend to have bluer skies... I loved the color, and the leaves are of one of my favorite trees: Maple! Haih, I haven't had maple anything in so long... (-_-)

Walnuts! I was so excited when I saw this that I actually ended up buying some to bring back home. Of course, my dad wasn't too ecstatic about them since the darn things were so hard to crack..

My one and only dinner out the entire time I was in Montpellier! My mum's colleague took us to a halal Morroccan restaurant in downtown Montpellier. This is a traditional vegetable stew that you eat with...

Couscous (this used to be something I ate often when I was in the US)..

And berbecued beef and lamb..

Middle eastern desserts! I had the one in the middle. It's made with fine semolina and dates, and then drizzled in sugar syrup... Highly diabetic, but yum!

On other days, this is what I usually had for breakfast, lunch and dinner.. baguettes with butter and jam. Of course, there were also the obligatory sambal ikan bilis, serunding and instant noodles, but those didn't look too pretty or interesting on camera.. ;p

Despite being a small town, Montpellier has very good public transport. This is an above-ground train called the tram, and it functions just like our Komuter. The only difference? our Komuter is less user-friendly.. (-_-)

There are fountains all over the place, especially in courtyards and public squares. I took this one because I love the pigeons that bathe there. They would circle the fountain rim for a while and then slowly dip a foot in... these two were following each other for fifteen minutes.. cute!

An apartment complex in the Antigone district. I want a house like this one! ^^

This is called Place de la Comedie (Comedic Place). Some parts of this place is very old.. Somewhere around 1200s..?

This is probably the building this place was named after: the Comedic Opera. I guess this is the entertainment center back then...

A roman aqueduct. What is that? it's an ancient waterway system that uses gravity to provide water to the residents of a town. These can be found all over France, as well as Europe and India. This system is no longer in use obviously, but many of the structures still stand..

I forgot who this is, but he might have been the founder of Montpellier. I just love the horse sculpture.. so detailed to the point of including veins! (I can't even draw a horse..)

Chateau D'eau... aka the Water Palace. Remember that aqueduct I showed you? well, this is the reservoir. And because aqueducts uses gravity to channel water, Chateau D'eau is made to stand on a hill overlooking Montpellier..

Porte du Peyrou (the entrance to Peyrou). I guess romans really love arches. You can find these everywhere in France. Historically, this is the entrance to the city, and to the Place de la Comedie..

Saint Anna's Church. I wasn't very sure if I could go in, so I didn't risk standing in front of the entrance. I love the rose windows that are featured here. Although present in many churches throughout Europe, stained glass and rose windows are French in origin. These windows are usually placed on the west side of the building..

Ah, I love flowers! they seem to be blooming all over Montpellier, even in the cold! Many of the houses and apartments sport some sort of greenery on their balconies and porches, so I've taken the liberty to capture some..

Helianthus! Amazing colors, but I wonder where the seeds are...

I don't know what these are, but they were planted side by side, and they make beautiful contrast against one another..

And that's all from Montpellier. I didn't get to go to many of the places, like the Aquarium or the Zoo, or the Mediterranean beach for that matter.. I was alone, and I didn't think straying too far from the hotel on my own was such a good idea, so I had to make do with the nearest attractions. I'd like to come back here, more than I would to Paris, actually. I heard that from Malaysia you can take an Air Asia flight to London, and then a local flight straight to Montpellier! :)

AND, you can extend your visit to Italy or Spain, the countries that border France! ^^

France: Paris

2010-12-22T00:32:00.023+08:00

I know this is late, but November and December has been hell! my workload increased 300%, and in the middle of that I had to go through some really big changes..

I'm in no mood to write about France, so i hope pictures will do, ne? ^^ By the way, these are pictures of the city of Paris. They are more or less in chronological order..

Street vendors selling towers of all sizes! and they're real iron! Most of them wouldn't let me take a picture, but I got lucky..

Paris is famous for the arts.. I just love the way the sketch captured the boy's eyes...

Aww.. there's never a cuter couple than a daddy and his precious little girl~

A boat cruise on the Seine River, which coursed through much of the historical sites in Paris. There are many cruises to chose from, but this one leaves from the Eiffel Tower, which is close to my hotel.

Life on a boat! I've always wanted to try that... remember Pergau? ^^

Autumn riverbank from the cruise.. I love fall colors!

Eiffel Tower from the cruise dock..

I didn't actually get to go up onto the tower.. :( Way too many people waiting in line, and I couldn't leave my sick mum alone. So amik gambar je la..

If you've read or seen the Da Vinci Code, you'd know where this is! That's my mum and behind her is the famous glass pyramid of the Lourve Museum.

I love ancient buildings.. They have such a feel to them.. By the way, The Louvre grounds are a lot bigger than the pictures show. It's HUGE!

I wish my DSLR had better zooming lenses.. *sob* the artistry on these buildings are awesome!

The glass pyramid is surrounded by shallow fountains. Sometimes you'll see gulls (that's a bird, people!) swimming and floating around. For some reason, they can detect camera lenses..

My mum insisted that we visit the Egyptian exhibit. Actually, you aren't allowed to take pictures in the museum, but I couldn't help it.. Cats! ^^

These jewelries belong to the ancient Pharaohs (Fir'auns)..

Beauty truly is a timeless thing, isn't it?

You know that heart shape everyone makes these days? well, this is literally the ancestor.. This is a 'heart' pendant. Back then, this means love... XD

Ah, the beauty needs of a Queen~the darn face cream containers are made of marble people! does it get any more indulgent than that??

Just so you know, the painting's ancient... I'm not sure if that's real gold on the ceiling, but knowing the french, that's not at all impossible~

More really old paintings and more gold.. There were also sculptures on the walls, but I need to keep this entry as U rated as possible. The ancients really loved detailed body parts... (-_-)

See the bright gallery behind my mum? Those sculpures are so amazing in that they are proportionate and so detailed. Not to mention 'anatomically correct'..

This famous lady.. Just to get to her you'd have to walk to the end of a very long hall! And when you get there you're immediately disappointed, because she's protected by a 10-inch bulletproof glass, and no one's allowed within ten feet of her. Hence the real bad photo. BUT! she really is worth the trip.. Monalisa's smile really does make you wonder..

A big red hall with paintings the size of Godzilla.. My mum loved the paintings in here, but taking pictures of all of them would take me all day..

This is my favorite painting: The Coronation of Marie de Medicis at the Notre Dame Cathedral, a day before the death of her husband King Henri IV. Out of the many French historical personality I learned of back in highschool, her name stands out the most...

Pont Neuf (New bridge), is one of the many bridges that connects Paris to the small island in the middle of the Seine River called Ile de la Cite (Island of the city). This particular bridge is four hundred years old.

L'arc de Triomphe (Triumphal Arch) was built by Napoleon Bonaparte. It's a very famous landmark and it is historically rich. However, I didn't get to go down to see it. Pictures were taken from a double decker tour bus.. :(

Look at the carvings.. How long do you think it'll take to carve stone??

Under the arch there is a tomb built to commemorate all those who have died defending France. There is an eternal flame burning at the tomb. I wanted to see that.. T-T

Eglise du Dome, at Les Invalides. This is the place where french war veterans used to retire. There is also an extensive hospital and infirmary apart from the church. Napoleon was buried at this complex.

One facade of the Invalides. Note the weird shape of the trees.. This garden is one of fifteen in this complex.

Ever watched the Hunchback of Notre Dame? This is the famous cathedral. See the two towers?They house five church bells, one of them weighing 13 tons!

Had to take this from the bus, since my mum was too weak to get down and have a look. See the crowd? Haish, what I would give to go inside.. (-_-)

I like this pic, even if it is a little blurry.. This is the west side of the cathedral, taken on the bus practically during Magrib. Instead of Azan, the loud bells were chiming 7 pm.. This picture literally ends my two day adventure in Paris..

In front of our hotel on the day of departure back to Malaysia. This was right before I had to hail a cab to take us to the airport. My mum was happy here, but she wouldn't be an hour later when she found out our taxi fare amounted to EU 61 (RM 240)!

I'd like to go back to Paris if I have the chance. I didn't really get to see the place; I didn't even climb up the Eiffel tower! Next time, I'll have a better idea where to go and what to see.. where to eat even! Anybody wanna come?? ^^

PS: Next entry is France: Montpellier!

It has to start here..

2010-11-24T13:23:00.005+08:00

Counting calories is torture enough, but counting calories on a 800 kcal diet?

FYI, the average daily recommended calorie intake per person is anywhere between 1500 to 2000 kcals, depending on gender and weight. Most overweight people are recommended to lower their calorie intake to 1200 kcals a day if health reasons so dictates. So, where does 800 kcal measure in all this?

Simple: starvation.

But before we all jump to the Sofie's-tryin'-to-kill-herself conclusion, let me just say I'm doing this under professional supervision, and only for the next two weeks.

I guess I'm sharing this for the experience.

And as warnings to those who may have made plans to invite me over for brunches, barbeques and or eat-outs of any kind any time soon.

And as a strong reminder that I don't want to do this again, EVER!

A woman is independent when..

2010-11-08T09:21:00.004+08:00

... she found out she's locked out of her house, and the first thing she does is:

1. Find the nearest masjid for Maghrib and Isya' prayers,
2. Find meehoon goreng and iced tea at the nearest mamak stall,
3. Beg her neighbor for a metal saw,
4. Proceed to cut through the front grill lock by the light of her car..

... all while entertaining phone calls from the so-called guys in her life: 1) the out-of-state dad who started the problem, and 2) the younger brother who is just too busy to help.

They say men take action. I have yet to see that actually happen.

JYJ Showcase..

2010-10-19T09:48:00.003+08:00

The constricting feeling in my chest got worse the further I moved away from Stadium Negara. By the time I'd settled into my KFC early dinner an hour later, I was thoroughly depressed.

Seriously, I tried.

I tried so hard to be supportive of them. I bought the pricey tickets. I roasted myself in the sun for nearly three hours waiting in line for admittance. I bought the CD afterwards (because I sincerely loved the songs). I even joined the crowd in kicking and screaming whenever they performed live - which cumulatively sums up to about half an hour tops - all so I could see them happy at our show of undying love.

But that's the problem. They weren't happy.

Xiah toned-down considerably, compared to the usual happy virus that he is. There were no jokes, no attempts at gags. There was not even a hint of that trademark laughter everyone loves so much. Just plain, serious Junsu giving textbook answers to equally textbook questions.

Yuchun was visibly strained from having to involuntarily lead the team. Gone was the cheeky Micky we couldn't help adoring. Being the only one of the three to understand english, questions were inadvertently directed to him. He tried including everyone else in the conversation, particularly the despondent Jae, but that just serves to make the situation worse.

Speaking of Jae..

My heart really went out to him. Joongie seemed so out of place, and restless! Like a lost child looking for someone to belong to. He skirted questions, and left his best friend scrambling to handle the show alone. Honestly, he looked as if he was desperately wishing a certain beloved member would just pop out onto the stage to hold him and calm his nerves.

It was heartbreaking to see Jae hug himself, so much that the image has become the only thing I remembered about the show.

Diehard fans can say what they will, but it is clear to me that at least for now, the trio is lost without Yunho's leadership and Changmin's strength.

No, I'm not saying JYJ will never make it. Heaven knows they have all the potential. They are afterall, the three lead vocals of TVXQ. It's just.. there are some things in life you just can't go without. Talent is a great posession, but talent without love and support from the those who mean the world to you won't really go anywhere.

TVXQ, AKTF.

SOMEONE LIKE ME?

2010-10-15T10:50:00.003+08:00

Enggang sama enggang.
Jika aku mahu kamu, maka aku harus berubah.

Mak aku tergelak bila aku minta dia doakan cepat bertemu jodoh. "Doa saja?"

Nenek aku lagi best... "Kamu? nak kawin? rupa tu!?"

Hn.

Tak tahu apa nak cakap.

Aku cuma nak elak semuanya dari luruh ke hati.

The Everything Entry

2010-10-04T15:36:00.023+08:00

Well, isn't this nice...

I haven't been writing for what, more than two months now? I'm sorry.. It's been way too hectic. I've been chasing after things, and you need to stay put to write. And when I did get to stay put, the mood just turns out all wrong.. (-____-)

I find myself a little apologetic over the past few weekends, and I feel like I should make amends here (at least the first two points). Bear with me as i go through these; if your name comes up, know that Kak Sofie is really sorry..

1. Ati's Graduation

This is just one too many mishap piling together at the wrong place and at absolutely the wrong time! The night before Ati's big day, my cellphone died and refused to charge. At the same time, one of my close relatives had a stroke, so you can imagine where I was after that. To make it worse, I was also the designated driver for this occasion, which got Ann and Mun dragged into the whole mess.

None of us girls made it to KLCC, but thank you Lutfi for making the trip! ^^

Ati, I'm so very sorry for missing your graduation. We girls would like to take you out for eats to celebrate some time. We'll make it a grand one ya!

2. Majlis Kikah Azkiya

Sebab tak mau Pojan confuse, akak tulis dalam BM ya.. ~.^

Sabtu lepas bertemankan Mun, Ann dan CD SuJu, aku penuhi jemputan Dayah dan Pojan ke majlis kikah Azkiya di Ipoh. Kami sampai dalam pukul 2.30 petang (aku driving sambil lewa, bawah 100 km/j). Time tu makcik-makcik marhaban baru saja nak jejakkan kaki ke dalam rumah..

Sampai je time makan, aku pulun kurma kambing biri-biri (read: lamb). FYI, aku sangat suka lamb! Tapi, selesai makan, sedang aku asyik bersembang dengan Mun dan Ann, saga 'Hari Paling Menyeksakan Dalam Hidup' bermula..

Kamu pernah keracunan makanan? Baru sekarang aku tahu bahawasanya sebelum ini aku tak pernah kena! Selama ni apa yang aku sangka food poisoning tu adalah dongengan belaka, cuma angin dalam perut yang degil tak mau keluar..

The real thing, sakitnya Subhanallah! Aku tak pernah rasa sakit camtu. Tu tak kira lagi sesi muntah, trip ke bilik air dua tiga kali... Mulanya aku ingat nak tunjuk 'terrer', ada hati nak drive balik KL! Mun dengan Ann skeptikal tahap dewa. Pojan risau, terus belikan aku pil Chick It Take On (amende tah berbiji-biji cam tahi kambing tapi bau cam makjun opah aku..) dan sebotol Gatorade.

Kesudahannya, kami balik KL dekat nak Maghrib: aku dah tak sedarkan diri kat seat belakang, Ann jadi long-distance driver with Mun as co-pilot.

Pojan & Dayah, akak minta maaf mengkucar-kacirkan majlis. I know you guys were really worried. Mesti fikir benda-benda cam, Kak Sofie sakit sebab makan kat rumah kita ke? Jangan mengarut! I probably ate something weird the night before, and the lamb (or something) triggered a reaction. Salah akak la pun. Sapa suruh pi makan kambing sampai tahap tak ingat?

Ann & Mun, akak minta maaf korang kena strok driving atas highway malam-malam buta time hujan-ribut-halilintar-menyambar.. It was not my intention to give you impromptu driving lessons. But, now you know what it really takes to drive out there. It's scary, but as you've found out, it's also not impossible! ^^

I am very proud of you guys for making it all the way back to Kepong (with me unconscious, thank you very much), and then to Serdang and Bangi. Next time kita pi driving dalam hujan, Ann jadi supir, kay!

3. Happy 23rd birthday Pura! ^^

Along feels so old now that you're creeping closer to 25.. and she feels a whole lot older with the next event the both of us will be involved in.. (-_-) Luv you so much, hunny!

Er, as per birthday presents.. Well, I've bought you at least two things this month, so.. I know that's not exactly a birthday present because I didn't buy it for the occasion... but you know, technically it is, because presents are what you want to have and the things I bought you were what you really wanted..

Yeah, I'll get you something else, kay.. (-__-)

4. Fanmeets

Who knew that after 12 years of listening to Korean music, I'd be attending my very first showcase? I've never been to a concert in my life (well, technically this isn't a concert, but whathehey..)

So, I guess I'm excited....?

I love the complete version of this group - which goes by the title DBSK - but sadly, for the JYJ showcase my favorite member won't be attending. But my little sister begged me to accompany her because obviously her favorite member will be present, and as most of you are painfully aware, I seldom say no to whatever she wants..

So, can you imagine the Godfather surrounded by teenage fangirls, screaming chants and waving glowsticks? (O_o)

On the plus side though, the phenomenon pictured above is something I want to be a part of at least once in my life, which can only be observed where DBSK members perform: Cassiopeia's Red Ocean! ^^

5. Paris, attendez moi!

Sepuluh tahun selepas aku mula melupakan bahasa Perancis, baru Tuhan berikan aku peluang untuk jejakkan kaki di muka buminya.

Aku pergi sekadar untuk temankan mama ke headquarters CIRAD di Montpellier, Selatan Perancis. Tah kenapa kali ni dia takut nak pergi seorang (my mum is definitely not the fearful type!), hatta dia sanggup sponsor penerbangan aku ke sana. But it makes sense. Walau aku dah tak berapa fasih bertutur, tapi berkat kelas intensif Monsieur Rose waktu aku di Highschool, aku masih boleh memahami bahasanya. So in a sense, I'm my mother's personal guide on this trip!

Aku agak excited, sebab Montpellier berdekatan dengan laut Mediterranean. Bandarnya dikatakan sangat cantik, tapi aku masih belum dapat menemukan warga Malaysia yang tinggal di sana. Susah juga kalau tak ada local guide ni, terutama yang Muslim. Soal halal haram sangat penting, lebih lagi la bila Perancis sangat terkenal dengan makanan-makanan exoticnya (read: pelik-pelik)..

Dua hari sebelum balik, kami cadang nak singgah Paris. Serius, terlampau banyak tempat yang aku nak visit! Ni la padahnya belajar bahasa dan budaya orang lain.. Eiffel Tower isn't even at the top of my list! Aku nak pergi musium Le Louvre, Pont Neuf, Cathedral Notre Dame, L'Arc De Triomphe, Champs Elysee, Kediaman Marie Antoinette, Montmartre, etc etc!

Haish, so much to do, so little time to do it. On top of all this, I've got less than 8 months to finish my Masters (thesis writing included). But, buat masa sekarang ni aku malas nak fikirkan. I just want to go through things one at a time.

I'll get there when I get there I guess..

It's all about the money!

2010-07-13T16:44:00.003+08:00

“Long, ko jangan la ego sangat!”

Ego!? Tangan aku sikit lagi nak naik ke muka dia, tapi aku tahankan. Nak bercakap dengan anak jantan umur 27 tahun ni kena ada caranya. Terutama sekali yang tengah defensive nak pertahankan minatnya yang latest..

Minat yang cukup la aku tak setuju.

Sejak cuti sem aku dah mula rasa semacam. The twins balik cuti tapi dua-dua tak lekat di rumah. Keluar entah ke mana sampai pukul 3 – 4 pagi. Telefon bimbit kalau tak lekat di telinga mesti saja di hujung jari, SMS tak henti-henti.

Aku tahu mereka ada ‘bisnes’; some internet MLM thing.. Aku dan Pura yang dahulukan duit modalnya, tapi selain tu kami tak tahu apa-apa. Dah diaorang beriya, kami tak mampu nak tolak. We thought, biar la diaorang cuba cari side income sendiri.

Tapi bila tengok keadaan diaorang yang makin rancak grouping sana sini sampai ke subuh adam, aku mula rasa tak sedap hati. Parents aku tak tahu cerita. Walaupun mereka awalnya tak menegur, aku tahu mereka dah mula menghidu perkara tak elok. Bukan apa, kembar ni dua-dua masih lagi belum tamat pengajian. Kalau awal-awal lagi tumpuannya lebih kepada bisnes daripada buku, aku dah dapat forecast haluan adik-adik aku ni.

It ain’t good, that’s all I gotta say...

Bila dipecahkan tembelang, mak ayah aku naik angin. Lebih-lebih lagi bila the twins kata mahu tumpukan perhatian pada bisnes, nak buat MLM seumur hidup. Katanya, belajar tinggi-tinggi pun, gaji permulaan cuma tahap RM1500 sebulan. Nak kena belajar lagi kalau nak naik pangkat. Kerja makan gaji ni menyusahkan, asyik duduk bawah telunjuk orang. Tak ada future..

Katanya, dengan MLM boleh dapat financial freedom. Contoh sukses yang mereka beri? Remaja belasan tahun yang tak ada pelajaran tapi ada kereta mewah tiga empat biji, rumah banglo sana sini dan duit berjuta-juta dalam bank. Nah, dengan bisnes seuntung ini, kenapa perlu susah-susah nak belajar, nak dapat sijil..

Logik? Memang logik, kalau duit yang dijadikan kiblat mata hati.

Aku cuba mengembalikan pemikiran mereka ke arus normal, tapi langsung tak berkesan. Malah aku dianggap egois kerana enggan ‘bertukar mindset.’ Katanya aku tak pandai mengambil peluang, terlalu terikut-ikut dengan gaya hidup yang mementingkan ranking dan hierarchy. Yang paling aku tak dapat terima, bila mereka memperlekehkan ilmu dan seperti memperkecilkan impian aku dan Pura untuk belajar sampai ke peringkat tertinggi. Katanya aku hanya omong kosong tentang impian aku untuk tubuhkan perniagaan sendiri, sedangkan aku masih tak punya modal pun untuk memulakannya.

Haish, macam mana tu?

Dalam hidup ni tak aku nafikan yang duit tu penting. Serius, siapa tak suka ada duit, dan siapa yang tak suka ngabiskan duit? Aku rasa aku paling suka kedua-duanya! ^^

Kalau ada duit, boleh bawa adik-adik keluar makan, pergi shopping ramai-ramai kat One Utama. Boleh belikan mama dan papa Big Apple donuts, atau aiskrim King’s perisa Caramel Almond Fudge. Boleh merayau kat pasar malam dengan Pura tiap-tiap Khamis beli ayam, ikan dan sayur untuk rumah. Boleh balik kampung, bawak nenek pergi pasaraya dan beli apa saja yang dia bubuh dalam troli; sebab selalunya dia akan taruh benda-benda yang dia selalu tengok dalam iklan TV tapi tak pernah rasa lagi - haish, comel! ^^

Dan paling best, boleh plan surprise birthday parties... beli hadiah, belanja orang-orang atau makhluk-makhluk (read: cats) yang sangat aku sayang.

Rumah banglo dan kereta BMW tu walaupun wujud dalam fantasi, bukanlah sesuatu yang aku target dalam realiti aku. Serius, kalaulah aku diberikan rezeki menjadi cukup kaya untuk beli mahligai dan kereta mewah, dan apa yang aku lakukan ialah beli mahligai dan kereta mewah, aku rasa aku la khalifah yang paling tak berhati perut dalam dunia..

Harga satu kereta BMW tu, agaknya boleh beri makan berapa ramai orang? Boleh sponsor berapa ramai anak-anak nak pergi belajar? Boleh bangunkan berapa rumah kos rendah, rumah kebajikan, masjid, perpustakaan, etc? I’m just sayin’..

Maksud aku, apalah salahnya berkerja makan gaji, simpan duit sikit-sikit, menabung untuk masa depan? Kurang-kurangya pendapatan aku stabil; ada elaun, ada pencen. Ni tak, semua nak cepat. Nak duit banyak, nak kereta mewah, nak rumah besar.. all before 30! Wow.. Duit yang datang sebanyak tu dalam jangkamasa yang begitu singkat.. aku sangsikan halal haramnya.

Tapi yang lebih aku risaukan di sini ialah keadaan rohaniah adik-adik aku. Peribadi apa yang dapat dibentuk dari pekerjaan yang semacam ini? What kind of knowledge can be gained? Apa sumbangan yang dapat diberikan pada ummah?

For the record, “Kitaorang dapat tolong bumiputera-bumiputera lain untuk jadi kaya,” is the biggest nonsense I’ve ever heard..

Aku suka teringat pada kata-kata Sr. Fatimah, seorang guru sukarela kacukan Siam-Mesir yang gemar mengajar aku hikmah di sebalik Islamic Finance. Ketika dia terlihat aku mengira hasil kerja babysitting di bilik bacaan masjid waktu aku berumur 16 tahun:

Sr. Fatimah : Sofie habibti.. you want to know how to make money grow?

Aku : Grow? Er, yeah.. sure..

Sr. Fatimah : Good, it’s very simple! Here, you keep a little bit.. Then the rest—

Aku : The rest, I keep in piggy bank?

Sr. Fatimah : What means piggy bank??

Aku : (O_o)? Then, the rest...

Sr. Fatimah : You give away habibti, give away! ^^

Aku : Owh...

Sampai ke hari ni, ini la satu-satunya petua yang tak pernah menghampakan aku.

To me, it doesn’t matter how much money you have. As long as you keep it only for yourself, you’ll always be poor..

Second thump..

2010-06-15T09:14:00.005+08:00

"True friendships are never serene."

-Marquise de Sevigne

“I heard your parents last night.”

I watched her from the corner of our so-called secret garden as she fluttered about, a small watering can in hand. She was busy watering the base of four apple trees which, to our surprise, had come into full bloom so suddenly that afternoon. Delicate pink-white petals swirled about like a million tiny butterflies whenever the wind blew, reminding me of the passing winter, now diluted in the warmth of spring.

She looked back at me expectantly. Her candid statement held no venom; just plain curiosity.

I know. The whole neighbourhood must have heard my family. A student-community whose residents lived in close quarters would have little to hide from one another. If walls weren’t thin enough, tongues certainly went a long way in facilitating the spread of rumors. Not that last night’s events needed any helping. The desperate yelling and slamming of doors made things plenty evident, I was sure.

I wanted to give her a good answer. I wanted to tell her that my family was not broken; that no matter what happened, there is still love there. I wanted desperately for her to believe it.

But I had no idea how to convince a friend of the existence of love. For children like us, love was objective. If it existed, there would be spring and apple blossoms and school holidays. If it didn’t, then there would be yelling and doors slamming and misery. Our juvenile world often ruled in solid colors, and we were built to believe brighter shades were best.

After last night, my world was swathed in dark, angry hues. I remember hiding the car keys so my father wouldn’t leave the apartment. Sadly, my efforts were defeated by innocent and obedient little brothers who presented them promptly at my father’s angry demands. It didn’t take long for them to realize what was happening though. No amount of hugs from my distraught mother could have calmed them as they watched my father walk through the door.

And yet..

Here I was, barely the next day, enjoying the first spring afternoon of the season. With delicate petals sticking everywhere, I was hardly the picture of pity. The warm sunlight managed to paint me just another happy girl basking in God’s gift. My sorrows were thus camouflaged; my worries deftly cloaked. And I realized, belatedly, that I wanted it to stay just so.

“I think the trees need more water, don’t you?” I asked, picking up my own empty watering can as I go. I hoped she’d heard my silent closure on the subject. I was never one to start a fight, but I wasn’t going to back down if she insisted.

She grinned, and threw a casual arm around my shoulder. “Yup! But I think our watering cans are too small. Maybe we should get a tub.. Think your mum would mind? She’s the coolest!”

A crash course in girlfriend diplomacy: successful.

Lesson 2: Love does not exist exclusive of hate. Love exists because of it.

Off track!

2010-06-11T22:37:00.003+08:00

First of all, I blame my current theme on the new, slightly-improved Designer button Blogger's currently sporting on my dashboard..

Like my cyber abode's new look, other changes are abound in my life at the moment. Lots of going places; not all of them business. Plenty of new experiences to be found; not all of them pleasant. For a few months now, my life has been anything but routine. There are weeks of dull nothingness, and then one weekend would leave me breathless. My mind toggles three ways:

work, study, home = career, education, family = money, knowledge, life.

Forgoing any one of these is impossible, but pursuing all of them could mean the death of me.

Could being the operative word here..

There seems to be a distinct line between earning a living and getting a decent education, at least where Malaysia is concerned. For instance, I've spent the past three weeks up in Penang attending classes and academic discussions. It's been almost two years since I last step foot in a lecture hall, and the experience left me feeling strangely... unfit?

Working life seems to have stripped me of most of my studious capabilities! I lost focus in class and fumbled through tutorials. My usually nimble tongue faltered on more than one occasion, brought on by a sudden fear of heaven knows what. Lit reviews became excruciating, not to mention the labwork. I was starting to grow envious of my full-time-student coursemates. All the time in the world to focus on just one thing.

But I guess working has its own selfish perks, no? Financial freedom is a large part of that. Add a wider social structure and a stable life routine, and most people would be content to simply leave education behind. Or at least be tempted to.

My choices are meager. I'm not yet an employee; not really a student. I'm just stuck somewhere in between doing everything I could to please both sides of it. It's starting to wear me down a bit, but I suppose like everything else, I'll manage. What doesn't kill me can only make me stronger, right? So pray I stay alive long enough to find out..

First thump..

2010-05-10T13:46:00.010+08:00

I don’t know you, but I want you all the more for that.

Falling slowly
by Glen Hansard

I had my first crush when I was nine.

We grew up together, both our parents being foresters. He shared my interest in nature, often coming with me on various excursions through the sprawling woods of the research institute we both call home.

To him I dedicated my very first love note, which offered the naive, simple words: Kita sayang awak.. I was a tad nervous, but I guess I’d somehow overlooked the outcome. He and I were great friends, what was the worst that could happen? He’d probably call me silly and laugh himself to death for a bit, but by the time we get to planning our next afternoon meandering, everything should have been forgotten..

Or not.

I found out that day, my buddy-turned-crush had a penchant for dramatics. In front of what felt like a million classmates, he made a show of shredding my note to pieces before literally throwing it in my face. 20 years later and my ears still rang with the simple words that came after: Cuba cermin sikit..

His gang was in stitches; my girlfriends were irate.

First taste of rejection: complete.

Lesson 1: Hearts do not belong on sleeves.

hard lessons for the hopeful penjual-ikan-to-be

2010-04-27T10:46:00.007+08:00

Aku mahu angkat telefon dan buat panggilan yang menentukan masa depan aku, tapi tangan aku tak tergerak. Jauh di lubuk minda terasa seperti aku membelakangkan sesuatu. Seperti menggigit tangan yang memberi makan?

Aku masih lagi bertatih menjadi seorang penjual ikan yang berkaliber..

Perjumpaan di USM membuahkan hasil yang tak aku sangka-sangka. Result yang aku dapat dari DNA Barcoding nampaknya seperti menyangkal penemuan satu penyelidikan yang telah dijalankan oleh seorang pakar Chiroptera (read: kelawar) dari Texas Tech. University di Rezab Krau, Pahang beberapa tahun lepas.

Sekiranya data aku signifikan, dunia taxonomy dan genetik akan berselisih lagi. Yang aku tak sedap hati, I'm afraid I am too green to pick up this fight..

Penyelia-penyelia aku, baik di FRIM mahupun USM sangat teruja. Dan walaupun aku telah menolak secara halus cadangan mereka untuk bertukar terus ke program sarjana doktorat, masing-masing begitu excited menghimpunkan cadangan-cadangan penyelidikan peringkat PhD yang boleh aku pertimbangkan untuk Masters.

On the one hand, I'm grateful that they think I have what it takes. On the other, aku takut kalau mereka menaruh kepercayaan di tempat yang salah.. (=_=)

Haish, don't mind me.. Aku sangat insecure pasal benda-benda yang melibatkan ilmu dan pengalaman ni..

Tapi aku ada motto baru! ^^ aku terjumpa, funnily enough, masa tengah melayan fanfiction, dan aku realize aku suka berpegang pada ayat ni, sebab aku akan selalu rasa macam on track gitu:

A fool thinks himself wise; but a wise man knows himself a fool..

Approximate translation: Orang yang bijak sedar hakikat bahawa dia sebenarnya tak bijak..

Hm..

2010-04-22T08:43:00.003+08:00

Projek DNA barcoding baru saja selesai. Part of my Masters is now complete. Aku ditawarkan oleh USM dan FRIM untuk bertukar terus ke PhD, satu peluang yang buat masa ini masih lagi aku pertimbangkan. Jujurnya, aku ingin menyambung pelajaran ke luar negara, sebab aku lebih senang dengan sistemnya. Cumanya, aku tak tahu kalau akan diberi peluang belajar overseas pun, dan tawaran FRIM dan USM tak lah sampai bila-bila.

Recently aku upset. Dengan adik bongsu, aku cerita macam-macam. Dia setuju dengan pendapat aku, simpati dengan nasib aku. kami satu geng. Tapi, dalam diam aku tahu, mungkin aku berkelakuan seperti anak-anak. Lalu, aku buka cerita pada mama. Harapkan respons sama yang diberikan adik.

Malangnya - atau mujurnya, depending on how you see this - mama berikan pendapat berlainan. Pendapat yang walau tak mahu aku dengar, adalah sesuatu yang harus aku terima.

Kawan tu kawan. Tapi sampai satu masa, tongkat persahabatan tu kita kena tinggalkan, sebab dalam hidup, kita mesti nak berjalan sendiri.

Aku realize, sejak kebelakangan ni, banyak perkara aku simpan dalam hati. Makin dewasa, aku rasa makin banyak benda yang tak dapat aku luahkan. Bukan sebab aku tak mampu, tapi mungkin sebab aku sedar aku tak berhak.

Aku juga sedar selama ini aku banyak buat keputusan dengan mementingkan orang di sekeliling aku. Aku tak buat keputusan untuk diri sendiri. Aku tak tahu sama ada ini satu petanda bahawa aku seorang yang bertimbang rasa, ataupun sebenarnya seorang pengecut yang takut untuk mengambil langkah sendiri. Walhal, ramai di sekeliling aku buat keputusan yang tak langsung mengambil kira tentang aku. Tak mati pun.

Tapi, bila difikirkan secara rasional, kenapa pulak aku harus diambil kira? Di dalam gambaran besar hidup, adakah aku begitu penting? I guess when you live surrounded by family all your life, you can't help but make decisions based on what's important to the family unit. Because you're important to the family, and they're important to you.

Aku rasa, aku harus pecahkan kitaran ketergantungan ni. For once, aku nak rasa jadi orang yang pentingkan diri. Bak kata Pura, jual ikan.. ^^

2010-03-26T11:31:00.005+08:00

Seriously, I don't know whether to feel honored, or used..

All I know is, this is feeling a whole lot like heading the prep and tech division for that ill-concieved KOS AGD Dinner back in 2006.

History is about to repeat itself, minus the camaraderie and willing help of close friends.

SOMEBODY HELP!! (>_<)

Falling apart at the seams..

2010-03-25T11:24:00.007+08:00

All done! (=_=)

Serius, dah tiga minggu aku menghadap skrin komputer. Kerjanya:

1) Membetulkan lead dan reverse sequence untul 150 samples, base by base..

2) Run haplotype analysis untuk setiap spesis

3) Identify unique haplotypes untuk barcode

4) construct barcodes by hand, using Paint program

5) Report

Aku jenis yang tak senang puas hati. Sikap perfectionist aku ni kadang-kadang menjadi benda yang buat aku sangat susah nak get along dengan rakan sekerja. Orang dah penat buat report, nak hantar cepat-cepat. Aku? down to the last minute masih lagi membelek; edit content, wording, font, color, alignment, heading, captions..

Semuanya nak kena betul, tepat, cantik.

Too bad SV aku tak sabar-sabar nak tengok result. Aku tengah perah otak nak identify haplotypes, dia sibuk nak minta aku buatkan gambar-gambar barcodes untuk include dalam progress report. FYI, namanya jer DNA barcoding. It's a concept. Bukannya software aku boleh generate betul-betul barcode tu. Yang boleh di-generate ialah DNA sequence yang panjangnya beratus-ratus base pairs. Nak buat barcodes daripada sequences camtu? Nak mampus!?

Tapi tak. Dia nak jugak.

Sebenarnya aku tak payah fikir panjang. Apa saja yang dimuntahkan software Mega tu aku include je dalam report dan hantar pada SV. Dia bukan faham sangat. Kalau aku kata ada 18 haplotypes untuk 10 species, maknanya betul la ada 18 haplotypes untuk 10 spesis. Why should she doubt me? I'm the geneticist.

But like I said, aku ni jenis yang tak senang puas hati.

Aku sangat risau kalau haplotype aku tak cukup spesifik untuk barcoding. Terlampau banyak benda yang aku tak pasti. Is the sequence clean? are the primers conserved? Are they really unique haplotypes or errors made during translation? Will this be useful? Softwares can only go so far in giving you what you want. If garbage is what you feed into it, you really can't expect gold to come out..

Point is, kata-kata aku, pandangan-pandangan aku, as well as kerja-kerja aku tak seharusnya diambil bulat-bulat. I'm a novice at this. Kamu yang expert.

Tapi biasa la, dunia aku selalunya terbalik.

Haish. I want more time to work on this. Aku rasa banyak yang perlu diperbaiki. Mungkin aku tak faham semua benda, tapi aku sangat peka kalau kerja aku tak berapa mantap. Susah la kalau research aku diganggu pihak pentadbiran yang asyik nak tengok result; tak kisah la apa rupanya result tu. Yang penting projek selesai pada waktunya.

Etika kerja aku tertolak tepi demi berkompromi dengan masa.

PS: Presents to anyone who could tell me where I could get this drink in the Peninsular.. ^^

Refresh

2010-03-09T10:31:00.002+08:00

It seems I'm toggling from white, to black, to white again.. ^^

Life is nothing if not for that top-of-the-world-bottom-of-the-barrel cycle, no?

"But what's new, Kak Sofie?"

Nothing.

I just fancy oblivion, which white excellently represents.

And besides,

Black just talks too much.. you know?

Leaving

2010-02-23T00:39:00.004+08:00

I'm leaving for Sarawak in 16 hours.

It's a phylogenetic workshop in UNIMAS, no big deal.

I'll be there from tomorrow till this Sunday.

I hope until then, you guys will stay okay.

If you can't stay okay, you can reach me via the usual lines: cellphone, internet. Any time.

Maybe I'm making too much out of this.

It just feels so far away.

And somehow very lonesome.

I'm not even packing my camera.

Ja, matta ne..

An obituary

2010-02-08T12:08:00.002+08:00

This was printed in as an obituary in the London Times.. just thought it was cool! ^^

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair; and
- Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion..

Common Sense lost the will to live as the places of worship became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone..

This is very sad, but also very, very true, no?

Been there, done that..

2010-01-26T09:53:00.004+08:00

This entry encompasses my childhood. I identify with literally every single thing on this list. See if you're familiar with any of them, ne?

By the way, credit goes to VioletEyed-Demon of FF.net ^^

Do you remember the 90's? You're a 90s kid if:

You remember watching Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain, Aaaaaah Real Monsters, Rocko's Modern Life, Animaniacs and Gargoyles.. You've ever ended a sentence with the word PSYCHE!".. You just can't resist finishing this: "In west Philadelphia born and raised...".. You remember Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosours, Boy Meets World.. You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on Saturday to watch cartoons..

You remember reading "Goosebumps".. You still get the urge to say "NOT!" after (almost) every sentence.. everything was settled by rock-paper-scissors, bubble-gum-bubble-gum-in-a-dish, or Miss-Mary-Mack.. Kickball was a daily activity.. you used to obey your parents.. you used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time on a tape.. you remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genesis became popular.. You remember the original Gameboy.. you always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos, but never taped anything funny..

You remember watching The Magic Schoolbus, Wishbone, Reading Rainbow and Ghostwriter on PBS.. You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.. you remember those Where's Waldo books.. You remember eating Warheads and Splashers gum.. you remember watching the 1st Batman, Alladin, Ninja Turtles, Ghost Busters.. you remember Ring Pops! If you remember when everything was "Da Bomb!" then you'd remember boom boxes vs. CD players. Making those little paper fortune things, and then predicting your life with them..

You played and/or collected "Pogs".. you had at least one Tamagochi, Gigapet or Nano and brought it everywhere.. One word...... trolls.. Windows 95 was the best.. you watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Wild Thornberry's, Power Rangers and Rocket Power.. All your school supplies were the "Lisa Frank" brand.. You collected Beanie Babies.. Carebears and Lambchop's song never ends.. Silver dollars were cool to have.. everyone watched WB.. You even know what an original walkman is..

You know the Macarena by heart.. "Talk to the hand".. you went to McDonalds just to play in the Playplace.. you remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.

Before the MySpace frenzy.. before the internet and text messaging.. before Sidekicks and iPods.. before Playstation 3 or X-Box 360.. Before Spongebob.. before Tupac was shot.. when light up sneakers were cool.. when you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.. when gas was $0.95 a gallon.. when we recorded stuff on VCRs.. you had slap bracelets!

You actually played outside until it was dark! Way back. Before we realized all these wonderful things would eventually disappear...

These were my younger days exactly. Reading this made me wonder at the little things we've experienced to shape the person we are today..

Having babies...

2010-01-25T09:22:00.003+08:00

Example of this week's routine:

5:45 am
- Boil water, prepare feeding bottle

5:50 am
- Prepare kitten's milk (2 tsp fomula + hot water), let cool

6:00 am
- Feeding (minimum 5 ml/kitten), clean cage (fresh towel & hot water bottle), clean kittens (wet wipes), short play time.

6:30 am
- Subuh prayer, shower

7:30 am
- Check on kittens, leave for work

8:30 am
- Gel elution process/Sequencing

10:30 am
- Call home to check on kittens, breakfast

11:00 am
- Touchdown PCR, labwork continued

12:30 pm
- Leave for home

1:00 pm
- Kitten feeding/cleaning/cage change/ play

1:45 pm
- Zuhur prayer, leave for office

2:00 pm
-Resume labwork

5:00 pm
-Asar prayer, pick Safura up from practical training

6:00 pm
- Grocery shopping

6:30 pm
- Pick mum up from office, leave for home

7:00 pm
- Kitten feeding/ cleaning/ cage change/ play

7:30 pm
- Maghrib prayer

8:30 pm
- Dinner, work/ internet surfing/ TV

11:00 pm
- Kitten Feeding/ cleaning/ cage change/ play

~12:00 am
- Isya prayer, Check on kittens, bedtime.

Four orphaned kittens and my entire day is occupied! Haish, ni baru anak-anak kucing... (-_-)

Bear, Ayie, Chuum and Leis; Mummy luvs you! ^^

A matter of happiness

2010-01-07T10:46:00.003+08:00

Semalam, tepat pukul 9 pagi, aku dan Joann mengambil tempat duduk di Auditorium FRIM untuk menghadiri mesyuarat pertama bahagian Perhutanan dan Alam Sekitar bagi tahun 2010.

15 minit selepas mesyuarat bermula, minda aku hanya ada satu soalan: What in the world am I doing here?

Kamu pernah rasa lemas? Itu saja yang dapat aku rasakan sedang tuan pengerusi sibuk menelaah slide powerpoint di podium. Mulutnya terkumat-kamit tapi satu pun aku tak dengar. Aku faham apa yang sedang dibentangkan; bajet dan target kerja untuk setiap unit bahagian bagi tahun ini.

Yang aku tak faham: What's this got to do with me?

Kamu percaya tak? kadang-kadang, kita tak kenal diri kita sendiri. Dalam kekecohan kita nak buat benda baik, nak contribute, nak make the world a better place, kita turuti jalan yang mungkin tak begitu sesuai dengan jiwa kita.

Aku tersedar, aku pilih FRIM kerana aku mangsa idealisme. Sedari kecil tempat ini membentuk aku menjadi seorang yang cintakan alam; menyebabkan aku mengiblatkan seluruh hidup ke jalan itu. Dari zaman sekolah sampailah ke menara gading, fokus aku hanya satu; aku mahu jadi seorang environmentalist.

Nah, secara logik, ke mana lagi aku mahu pergi selepas semua itu, kalau tak pulang ke akar umbi?

Aku lihat di sekeliling, kepada pejawat-pejawat yang sudah dekat separuh abad bersama FRIM. Di dalam mata mereka sudah hilang bayang semangat. Seperti aku mereka semua mendengar bentangan acuh tak acuh; mungkin membayangkan bihun dan kueytiau goreng yang sudah tersedia di ruang legar.

Cuma tuan pengerusi dan rakan-rakan setugasnya - boss-boss kami - di barisan hadapan yang galak membincangkan isu-isu semasa:

"Projek you dapat funding banyak mana?"

"You publish kat jurnal Borneo Science? ada impact factor ke tu?"

"FRIM dah mansuhkan tabung Tea Club. Takde la jamuan makan besar-besaran lepas ni ek.."

Aku tahu kenapa aku rimas. This is not what I'm looking for..

Bukan aku kata tugas di FRIM tak mencabar. Aku suka penyelidikan. Aku juga suka makmal. Kelawar lagi la aku suka! Tapi.. there's something missing. Aku suka, tapi aku tak cinta. Sekarang ini aku kurang pasti bagaimana tugas aku di FRIM akan dapat menyumbang kepada konservasi alam sekitar, which is what I want to happen.

Aku kucing advokasi. Aku suka belajar dan mengajar, terutamanya bidang biodiversity. Aku teringat betapa aku enjoy bawa student Dr. Jalal masuk hutan dan paya bakau time aku kerja sebagai demonstrator/RA di UIA dulu. Ya, memang banyak kerja. Lesson plan aku sendiri yang kena lakar. Berminggu-minggu aku buat research; tulis manual.

But you know what? I did it with love. Lots of love!

Terlewat, tapi aku realize sekarang yang aku sangat suka jadi guru. Aku suka tengok students belajar. Bila mereka tanya soalan, aku suka carikan jawapannya. Aku suka cara muka mereka berubah menjadi kagum dengan ciptaan Tuhan; bila mereka faham dan ambil tindakan.

Dah lama aku tak lihat semua tu. Aku rindu.

Yang lagi sedihnya:

Mum, what do you think if I became a lecturer?

I was thinking the same thing! Leave FRIM and go to USM, or UNIMAS.. you'll be great at it!

Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence, Ma.. (-_-)

2009-12-25T00:36:00.005+08:00

Ambang cuti Krismas melihat penghuni Makmal Genetik yang cuma tinggal beberapa kerat penuh gelisah menunggu pukul lima petang. Aku sendiri turut menyibuk di bilik makan, mengunyah sisa-sisa kudapan sambil ngomel dengan Kak Pah dan Kak Su, pembantu-pembantu makmal.

Sembang-sembang tentang projek, Kak Wan, senior officer kami masuk ke bilik makan, terkebil-kebil melihat kami buang masa. Aku biarkan saja. Cuma tinggal sepuluh minit sebelum tamat waktu kerja. Semua tugasan sudah selesai. Mau apa lagi?

“Ni cuti panjang ni ulat bulu siapa kasi makan?” dia bertannya kepada RAnya. Nadanya masih di tahap friendly. Kak Su dengan penuh rasa tanggungjawab mengulas, “Ah, tadi kami beri daun banyak-banyak. Cukup sampai minggu depan.”

Aku mencuit kak Pah, lalu mulutku mengutarakan soalan tanpa suara. Ulat apa?

“Ulat yang makan daun jati.”

Dahiku berkerut. Aku memandang kak Wan, dan dengan agak bangga dia memberi penjelasan.

“Ulat ni ulat perosak. Suka makan daun jati dan musnahkan tanaman jati.”

Ah. “Ulat ni nanti bila dah dewasa jadi apa?”

Kak Wan macam bengang dengan soalan aku. “Tak kisah la dia jadi apa. Yang pentingnya masa stage ulat, dia makhluk perosak.”

Aku ulang suara. “Ya faham. Tapi bila besar mesti jadi sesuatu kan? Jadi apa?”

“Rama-rama,” Kak Pah membantu.

Kak Wan explain lagi seperti aku budak lepasan SPM. “Kak Nor tengah buat research. Dia cuba introduce BT gene dalam pokok jati. BT gene ni nanti akan musnahkan system penghadaman ulat dan lama kelamaan ulat tu akan mati. Jadi tak ada la lagi gangguan pada pokok jati.”

RAnya yang memang lepasan SPM nampak sangat kagum.

Aku sengaja menongkah arus. “Kalau kita guna BT gene, tak pupus ke ulat tu?”

Dengan penuh yakin kak Wan menjawab, “Ulat tu tak berguna pun. Siapa suruh makan daun jati?”

Tak berguna?

Kucing advokasi dalam hati aku menyinga, buat aku rasa panas tiba-tiba. Aku tak suka emosi yang melampau, tapi serius aku katakan: aku cukup benci dengan orang yang kurang berfikir tentang hak orang lain, atau lebih jelasnya di sini, hak makhluk lain.

Dan untuk seorang saintis institut penyelidikan berpangkat PhD mengutarakan pendapat seperti budak dua tahun adalah sesuatu yang tak dapat aku terima. Siapa suruh makan!? For heaven’s sakes, come on!

Kak Wan mungkin merasakan perubahan suhu bilik, lalu dengan nada keamanan dia berkata, “Ala, kalau sesuatu tu mendatangkan lebih keburukan daripada kebaikan..”

Inilah dia masalah kebanyakan saintis Malaysia zaman ini.

Bila sudah pelajari sesuatu, kita rasakan diri sudah betul, dan ilmu yang kita dapat, itulah yang terbaik. Betulkah? Sebagai seorang biotechnologist juga self-proclaimed pencinta alam, aku banyak belajar betapa kita ni hidup dalam satu jaringan yang imbangannya bagai telur di hujung tanduk. Tak perlu tunggu haiwan besar untuk lenyap dari muka bumi. Kehilangan ulat sudah cukup untuk meranapkan semuanya!

Sekarang zaman integrasi; era interdisciplinary education. Sebanyak kita mengetahui tentang punca sesuatu, kita juga harus tahu serba sedikit tentang kesannya. Everything is a cycle of cause and/or effect, and everything comes with its own costs and benefits . In short, everything contributes to a whole and consequently, the loss of even one component will adversely affect the whole.

(Thank God for my mother, a sound environmental economist who has taught me a lot about 'balance' ^^)

Satu konsep yang sangat munasabah, kan? Malangnya, tak ramai antara saintis kita yang mahu berfikir secara munasabah, sebab cara itu takkan mendatangkan untung. Sebaliknya semua sibuk mencari jalan untuk mengeksploitasikan sumber, kerana dari situlah terbitnya wang ringgit.

Yang lebih menyedihkan, perbualan ini juga memberi gambaran jelas betapa sistem institusi pengajian tinggi kita masih belum berupaya melahirkan saintis yang holistic; yang mampu meneliti masalah dan juga jalan penyelesaian dari pelbagai sudut.

Akibatnya? seorang saintis yang sudah punya sarjana doktorat keluaran tempatan masih lagi berfikiran one-sided.. mengambil jalan senang: Get rid of the damned pests!

Kalau macam itu aku pun boleh jadi doktor falsafah: Bunuh saja, bukan berguna pun..

Haish, aku rasa sangat kesal. Aku mahu pertahankan hak ulat-ulat tu; ulat yang akan jadi rama-rama cantik. Hanya sebab pokok jati yang menjadi makanannya sejak azali tiba-tiba sudah menjadi komoditi terhangat bagi manusia, haiwan ini harus berdepan dengan kepupusan. Adil ke tu?

Cuba kalau lembu, kambing atau ayam yang menjadi makanan fevret kita jadi komoditi terhangat makhluk asing, lepas tu diaorang engineer lembu, kambing dan ayam yang boleh menjahanamkan sistem penghadaman manusia, sampai lama kelamaan kita pun pupus. Baru padan muka kita..

Aku selalu kata: put yourself in other people's shoes.. walaupun hakikatnya kasut tu milik ulat bulu yang tak seberapa specialnya. Nak jadi khalifah ni bukan perkara senang. Perkara besar kena jaga, perkara kecil pun kena jaga juga.

Kalau kita nak hidup hanya untuk pertahankan hak kita, dan meminggirkan hak orang/makhluk lain, itu bukanlah khalifah namanya. Itu hanyalah haiwan.

Labwork... Argh!!! >_<

2009-12-07T11:49:00.005+08:00

Life is less hectic now. I don't like it.

Cooped up in a sterile, virtual freezer for 9 hours of the day ain't my idea of quality time. I know, I know; I made the bed, I suppose I should lie in it.. I just didn't think it would be this much work, especially considering I didn't sign up to FRIM's Forest Ecology unit just to end up right back where I started.

In that sterile, virtual freezer..

You'd never know there is a large gap in the knowledge that you possess unless you actually go out and see for yourself. That is, if you even realize there is a gap..

I know there is a gap. I'm trying hard to bridge it but I don't know where to start. Right now my life feels like a woven mat. I'm putting the seams together but for the life of me some parts keep unraveling. I weave a bit here and it comes undone there. I fix it there and it goes haywire elsewhere! Argh!!

I think I'm missing a very important link somehow. Like a glue that will keep it all together. Or a knotting technique, as the analogy might prefer.

But I also know this 'knotting technique' is difficult to learn, and hard to come by. I'm tempted at this point to just leave the messy edge and concentrate in the middle where everything looks simple and orderly.

Ceh, I'm not stupid. I know the edge is the problem. That's what needs solving. But without a lot of input I'm a little scared to try. What if things go wrong?

Or worse, what if I find I'm just not cut out for this?

The first

2009-12-03T14:12:00.001+08:00

"What.. are you doing here?" I asked, exhausted yet so aware of his presence.

"Nothing," he replied nonchalantly, not moving an inch from his spot on my bed, eyes fixated on some afternoon game show playing on the TV on my bedroom dresser. I was extremely glad that my place had been tidied just the day before. If not, he'd have been wading piles and piles of dirty laundry just to get to my room.

He chuckled at random, eyes still on the screen but body slowly reclining onto the warm comforter. I leaned heavily against the door jamb, partly out of weariness and partly to prevent myself from stepping any further into the room. I was suddenly fearful of broaching personal space; his or mine, I wasn't entirely sure.

My discomfort seemed lost on him, and from the look of things I wagered he was actually clueless of it. But he wasn't to be blamed. I had such relationships with men after all. I was always casual, relaxed, accepting. I was the girl they couldn't possibly fall for, but one they could brotherly love for all eternity.

For a second his gaze strayed to me, a faint questioning look playing across those beautiful twin orbs. He wasn't used to this shy, reserved version of his good friend. Under normal circumstances, his current state of unwind would not have deterred me from coming close to him.

But what a shame. I'd developed a sudden attraction to the boy now lazing so comfortably on my bed.

And oh how I fought tooth and nail with that familiar but suddenly overwhelming urge to join him..

Hiatus

2009-11-23T12:29:00.011+08:00

It’s been far too long since I’d updated. I’ve been a tad busy, mostly with year-end presentations, seminars and workshops. I’m looking forward to a less hectic December schedule, insyaAllah; most of my lab work should consist of sequencing and haplotype analysis, save for some PCR reruns on a few particularly stubborn DNA samples.

Anyway, it’s come to my attention recently that some of my readers are interested in my blog for the things I do as a researcher, and not as a layman bent on publicizing her personal, day-to-day grouse against the world. Indeed, I think that’s what I’ve been doing the past few entries. Grouse, I mean.. In my own defense, I never intended for this blog to be anything but my own thoughts, be that personal or otherwise. And lately, those ‘thoughts’ have veered more to the personal.

It’s the end of the year. Sue me.

Despite that, I will own up to a slight lack of focus in my current research, and I do apologize to my more professional readers for this lackadaisical attitude. Sometimes enthusiasm for what you do can only go so far in helping you achieve your goals. Being a fresh graduate with no experience or qualifications certainly does not help, and finding that everyone else seems to be one step ahead of you in the all-consuming scientific rat race serves well to dampen your spirit even further.

I could go on with more negativity, but I digress.

But things are looking up. I’ve personally met a few people I could count on for enlightenment on the subject of genetics, one of them the elusive Mr. T. I have directions now; there is a speck of light at the end of the tunnel, yeay! I will share more with you once I’ve gotten past my coming-back-to-work-after-weeks-of-out-of-office lag phase ya. Till then….

Haih, aku nak CUTI!

2009-11-04T08:37:00.003+08:00

Dah seminggu rutin tidur aku terganggu.

Buat julung kalinya aku nak kena present research progress di hadapan warga professional FRIM. Sepatutnya tak ada masalah. Projek aku berjalan lebih kurang lancar. Walaupun hasilnya belum lagi jelas, namun banyak improvements.

Tapi aku tengok supervisor aku macam ada tujuan lain untuk Project Evaluation Meeting ni. Dia tak cakap banyak, tapi dari cara dia teliti slide presentation projek aku, aku dah nampak apa yang bermain dalam benak dia.

This is my debut. My biggest chance at making a good first impression. Orang dah banyak mengata; aku dapat kerja sebab aku anak staf. Ihsan majikan. Aku kira sedikit sebanyak tempiasnya akan kena juga pada penyelia. Jadi nilah masanya aku nak perbetulkan tanggapan orang. Aku ada substance; aku boleh contribute.

I've been hired on good merits, not excellent 'cables'..

On the other hand, aku naik rimas lagi menyampah untuk sentiasa pertahankan diri. Tak boleh ke kalau aku biarkan je? Lantaklah orang nak kata apa. Yang penting aku tak serabut.

Malangnya aku tak hidup dalam dunia sendiri - that was the case during my undergrad years. Bila dah kerja ni semua perkara ada penilaian. Ada laporan dan dokumentasi. ISO gitu.. macam aku ni takde lain kerjanya hanya berdiri di hujung telunjuk.

At least 'No' used to be an option. These days..

Conversations..

2009-10-18T09:45:00.005+08:00

38 hours before flight check-in

Author: Hello?

Mum: When are you coming home? this really isn't a good time for you to be going off on vacation. I'm leaving for Argentina tomorrow night! I haven't packed, I need to buy shoes and toiletries and food—

Author: You think I'm here on vacation!?

Mum: You could have put this off. It's not so important for you to be in Penang right now! I need help with my things! Have you taken a look at the presentation slides I sent you? did you fix it?

Author: I thought I said I'll get it done and e-mail it to you...

Mum: And when will that be? I haven't got much time! When are you meeting your supervisor?

Author: This afternoon, 3 pm.

Mum: You can still drive back to KL after that, can't you?

Author: I don't know how long the meeting will take. And If I do go back tonight, I'd have to send Ann to UKM first. It'll be too late for her to catch the komuter. Besides, I booked the hotel for two days. They don't give refunds..

Mum: You're not going to help me, are you? Kamu memang sengaja nak tinggalkan mama terkonteng-konteng dengan semua ni. Eloklah tu..

Author: ...

Click.

27 hours before flight check-in

R&R Tapah, Perak.

Author: Hello, assalamualaikum..

Mum: Where are you?

Author: Kat kedai makan.

Mum: Did you meet your supervisor?

Author: Yeah, she's really nice!

Mum: What time did you finish?

Author: *sigh* Around 4 pm..

Mum: See? You could have made it back to KL tonight! And I didn't receive anything from you in the e-mail. You didn't even look at the slides, did you.. memang tak endahkan cakap mama.

Author: ...

Mum: Esok you'll take your own sweet time driving back to KL, while I'm here handling all this by myself. Papa kamu tak boleh harap. Kamu pun— *bip bip bip!*

Phone died. Forgot to bring charger.

24 hours before flight check-in

Kolej Zaaba, UKM Bangi

Pa: Hello!

Author: Hello pa... papa buat apa tu?

Pa: Tengah tengok TV. Kenapa?

Author: Nanti jangan kunci gate depan tau. Tunggu Opie balik ya.

Pa: Hah!? kamu kat mana ni?

Author: Tunggu la. Lagi 45 minit Opie sampai.

Pa: Kamu dah dekat Tanjung Malim dah!? Kenapa balik malam-malam buta macam ni? Kan tak elok—

Author: Uh... Yeah... banyak kerja la. Mama buat apa tu?

Pa: Mama kamu dah berdengkur.

Author: ...

12 hours before flight check-in

Amar: Hello?

Author: Wey, bukan ke ko janji dengan mama nak balik temankan dia shopping hari ni?

Amar: aku nak balik la ni.

Author: *pissed* Takyah la balik Mar. Matahari nak tenggelam dah. Buang masa je.

Amar: Woi! aku banyak kerja la, faham tak?

Author: Ko ingat ko sorang je yang banyak kerja? Duduk sekangkang kera dari rumah suruh balik sikit punya susah! Aku yang dari Penang.. haish, tak payah balik! biar aku handle mama!

Amar: Aku memang kena balik, Long.

Author: Buat apa?

Amar: Malam ni aku ada jemputan kahwin kat damansara..

Click!

5 hours before flight check-in

One Utama, Old Wing

Author: Hello?

Amree: Wey... ko kat mana ni?

Author: Kat OU, cari kasut mama. Ko nak apa?

Amree: Wey, aku takleh nak draw duit kat CIMB la. ATM kat Dungun ni bengong.. Ko dah masukkan duit dalam akaun Bank Islam aku?

Author: Dah. Did it this morning.. lagi?

Amree: Um, mintak top-up bleh? hehe.

Click!

3 hours before flight check-in

64, Jalan Bukit Maluri 7

Safura: Hello! How was Penang?

Author: I'm not in the mood to talk about it right now..

Safura: Why? what are you doing?

Author: Packing mum's bag..

Safura: Owh.. I'm sorry. But aren't you a little late? Shouldn't she be at the airport in like.. now?

Author: *sigh* can you do me a favor, hunny? your abang Amree needs top-up, and since I can't get to the shops right now, can you buy him one? He's been giving me messages non-stop.

Safura: What!? Woman, I just topped him up not two minutes ago! The little—

Author: ...

1 hour before flight check-in

KLIA, international departure area

VJ: This can't be happening.. I reminded him, dammit!

Author: Wait.. You're not going to Argentina?

VJ: I can't! He's the project director. How can I go without my boss? it's not my show! I told him over and over again that our flight is tonight, not tomorrow night! It's impossible for him to prepare now.. we've only got two hours left before departure!

Author: But VJ, that means my mum will be leaving for Argentina alone. Without you as guide..

VJ: Yes I know, and I'm sorry. But this is RM 100,000 going down the drain; that's how much we've paid for this event! Please understand; I don't want to be held responsible. I've done my part!

Author: It's okay. My mum will be okay. Right now, just brief her on what she needs to know. Give her all the information you have.

VJ: Yes.. and I'll make sure someone from the Malaysian embassy in Buenos Aires will be waiting for her at the airport when she arrives. They'll make sure she makes it safe to the hotel and to the conference the next morning.

Author: Great! She'll be fine, VJ..

VJ: I'm so sorry Dr. Ismariah. I just can't do this. I can't go..

Mum: That's okay. I'll make it. Just make sure someone from the embassy will be waiting for me in Buenos Aires, ya? that will be a big help..

VJ: I'll make damn sure!

Author: Boy, Dr. Sam is in a lot of trouble now, isn't he?

20 minutes after flight check-in

En route, North-South Expressway

Author: Hello?

Mum: P, can you try contacting VJ for me?

Author: What? But I don't have her number. Why, what's wrong?

Mum: I'm at the departure gate. The flight isn't boarding yet. I want to know something.

Author: What's that?

Mum: I mean, since she and Dr. Sam aren't coming, can I upgrade my ticket to business class?

Author: ...

2009-10-12T12:19:00.007+08:00

Dear potential half of my soul,

My head is about to explode. I got enough on my mind as is, without you taking up permanent residence. I mean, would it kill you to just show up? What is the big deal that needs me to continue waiting for you? Jump out of the friggin' box already, dammit! I can't stand the suspense..

Thing is, I see things.. and I see you in them. Things I like, things I don't like, stuff we share with people, stuff we don't share at all, or only with each other and behind closed doors. There are moments I'd like to relive for the rest of my life with you, and I'm hoping you'll indulge me once we're.. you know...

It's not enough, I know. Heck, I'm not enough! Don't you think it scares me? That there are rules and restrictions to this? You're waiting for me to meet the standards.. I have my own, just so you know. I want to be everything. The quiet place; the panic room. The storm-shielding cove. I know, that's probably your job.. but why be normal? I am stronger than you think.. which is not the most endearing trait for a supposedly vulnerable being, I'm sure.. but it's one of the only things I know well how to be.

I've always wanted to be the one to start it. I've missed out on so many chances and so many good things because I preferred to keep my mouth shut and stick to the rules, which I guess is understandable given my.. uh.. situation... But regardless, every time I lose, it keeps getting harder to quell the pain; to forget; to continue believing I'm still worthy.

I guess the only upside to this is that I'm brilliant at steering myself towards the positive. I tell myself, "nope, it's not the right time/the right place/the right guy/the right me, yet." Go figure. But then again, it's always easier to convince yourself that you're in control, isn't it? The feeling that it was you who made the choice, rather than having it forced on you to swallow whole..

Look deeper. It's all I ask. I'm not sure what it is you're supposed to be searching for, or if I even have it. But I'm very sure of one thing: I'll be the one to fall for you first. The signs are obvious, you can't miss it. But once you get there, I beg of you.. don't come so close if you don't intend on staying or if you've got something else in mind or think you and I could somehow be platonic.. Don't be so nice if it's what you think will help ease the guilt for feeling that you've made a big mistake.. it's not a good idea, trust me.. It may look okay on the surface, but you're clueless of the damages.

I'm a positive and cheerful person.. too bad that won't stop me from bleeding.

Love,
Your potential other half

Humanity

2009-10-08T11:40:00.002+08:00

This was sent to my e-mail this morning. I wasn't the type to circulate forwarded e-mails to others, but this story is too beautiful not to be shared. So, I've decided to post it here, in its original entirety.. ^^

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?" I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat. At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball; the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay!"

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third!" As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!"

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team!

"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world."

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

Toe the line

2009-09-30T09:35:00.004+08:00

Apa aku buat selepas tahlil arwah atuk?

Aku menghilangkan diri dengan Coolpix abah. Merayau satu kampung dituruti Acha, Longot dan Omey. Aku dah serik dengan bisik-bisik pengajaran dan anjuran bersabar para hadirin. I know they meant well. But in the end, this will be just another day, another death, a part of life for them. For the sake of my grandpa, I refused to remember it that way.

Lalu selepas yasin dan doa aku meloloskan diri, mencari warna selain putih; bunyi selain ratap. Dan aku sapa atuk dalam mekar kembang dan siul petang kampung kesayangannya.

Kadang-kadang aku rasa lemas jadi dewasa.

Lebih dari memikul tanggungjawab, ada sejenis politik keluarga dan tradisi yang seperti harus aku anuti. Diluah mati emak, ditelan mati bapak. Kalau kulum dalam mulut saja, aku pula yang jadi mangsa.

Kita semua manusia.. arwah Makngah aku selalu cakap macam tu. Zaman aku tak faham, aku interpret ayat ni sepertimana orang lain: Kita adalah makhluk yang tak lari dari kesilapan. Jika kamu perhatikan, ayat cliche ini positif. Dalam diam kita terima orang lain seadanya; secara tak langsung kita memaafkan.

But, everything in life is a double-edged sword..

Melihat keadaan keluarga aku selepas pemergian arwah atuk, aku sedar mungkin Makngah cuba mengatakan sesuatu, dan ianya tak sepositif yang aku sangka. Keluarga yang dahulu aku sanjung kerana tali persaudaraan yang sangat kukuh, sudah mula mempamer cela. Di mana ada harta dan wang ringgit, di situ akan selalu ada dendam dan fitnahnya.

Aku mahu jadi anak-anak. Aku mahu diasingkan dari pertelingkahan dan sesi tuduh-menuduh. Malangnya, aku sudah matang. Sudah boleh diseret ke dalam lubuk. Lalu aku disajikan sifat kelam orang-orang yang aku sayangi. Duniaku jadi terbalik bila aku pula yang harus jadi antara suara-suara yang objektif. Tembok hormatku terhakis bukan sedikit.

Kita semua manusia. Zaman aku faham, ayat ini aku tafsirkan sepertimana yang aku alami.

We're not evil because we're only human.. We're only human because we're evil.

Staring Contest

2009-09-17T09:19:00.012+08:00

I've been watching him for the past twenty minutes.

He's oblivious to my surveillance, acute senses tuned-in on the hyperactive cackling group of girls we happen to be sharing a lab with. He's probably more than a little bored. Sitting at the far end of the lab bench, stubborn chin leaned softly on the back of a right hand as he continued to stare languidly at the scene unfolding on my side of the room.

Me? you may call me a laissez faire spirit.. most of the time. But I'm also the type to take keen interest in my environment, and lately, that environment consisted of giggling females prone to breaking into wild cacophony whenever he was present. Under normal circumstances this wouldn't have bothered me in the least. But as it stands, the subject in question has managed to frazzle even my own usually level state of mind.

What on earth is this guy oozing to make the girls tick?

I had to wonder briefly if it was his attention that was causing such rapture from the girls. Really, if guys only knew what wondrously decieving species we females have evolved to be. We're utter mischief smothered in that innocently sweet, brown gooey stuff we all like to lick off our fingers from time to time..

And FYI, mischief is the fun part you guys get to have on the occasion you decide to pledge the rest of your lives to us. Before that, everything is a deception. A test of worthiness. Before that, we're just—

"—liquid nitrogen in mortar and pestle."

What??

A few taps on the shoulder and my rapt attention shifted to a labmate materializing seemingly out of nowhere. She stood to my left, giving off such a strong vibe of I mean business in her off-white lab coat and powder-free gloves that I had the sudden urge to laugh and apologize at the same time.

We were a team. She would have spent the last fifteen minutes poring over the lab manual, highlighting the terms, making all the necessary calculations and gathering the equipments. Knowing her, she probably would have completed at least the first two steps of the excercise.

All while I was ignorantly ogling the most eligible bachelor this side of the Pusu river..

She proceeded to reiterate the Plant DNA Extraction excercise for me, ticking off the steps as she went along. I gave a brief nod to each one; asked a few relevant questions. She answered them with narrowed eyes, sure I was up to something. But once satisfied with my level of attention to the task at hand, she left, allowing me to spend more time on my subject of interest.

Last time I looked, he was still focused on the girls.

This time I looked, his focus has shifted.

Right onto me.

Oh, busted!

On a normal day - where I play the sharpwitted superfox at the top of my game - the quickest response to this would have been a raised eyebrow and that sassy whatchu lookin' at, punk? look thrown his way.

But this wasn't normal. This was something more. A blatant challenge.

Historically, he and I never saw things eye to eye. I always thought it was because our egos were evenly matched; they were often inflated to high heavens. We never agreed to disagree either. That would imply willingness to incite goodwill. No, we disagreed. Period.

It also didn't help matters that we were both very deceptive beings. Impressive and affable though we may seem on the outside, we were two people painfully aware of our flaws and shortcomings, and strive hardest to keep them hidden from prying eyes. As a consequence, we consciously painted ourselves the very picture of fierce independence and reliability. We took on vast roles among classmates; we were leaders, mediators, and mentors.

The very definition of a consummate teacher's pet.

Subconsciously however, we've become each other's mirror. We disliked each other for reflecting that pretentious but necessary image the both of us have come to recognize only too well.

So there we were, eyes suddenly riveted on each other, neither one willing to back off. I didn't want to give in. I couldn't. I didn't want him to regard me as one of the girls he could subdue - heaven knows he had a reputation for that. I wanted to show him that I was equal adversary. More importantly, I wanted to be acknowledged as one.

But alas, my true nature was often the polar opposite of my actions, curse it all!

See, my formative years were spent immersed in a culture where women addressed men in quiet voices and from behind solid objects - preferably pillars, doors, or walls.. Really, there was a time in my life when catching a man's eye - even for a moment - mortified me to shame. Eyes are windows to the soul; they are not meant to be broached by mere acquaintances.

And yet here I was, playing tug of war with an unbearably male opponent.

His gaze became sharper, gaining advantage on my reluctance. He was determined to drive me to the floor, that was for sure. I was losing. But, if I had to go down, I was intent on taking him with me.

So I did the only thing I thought would disarm him enough for both of us to break even.

Looking straight into his eyes, I gave him the widest, toothiest grin I could afford. I aimed the corners of my mouth right into my ears, possibly shredding my cheek muscles in the process. I had to make it work. My effing dignity depended on it!

And he responded. Though, not quite the way I'd hoped...

He wasn't the least bit surprised, his stoic expression kept firmly in place. But his eyes.. how they narrowed perceptibly at me; a look of utter ridicule possibly meant to raise my hackles. I read the message clear as day.

You're an idiot for even trying.

Haish..

Ah well, I lost the battle. Sour grapes, I know, but you can't win 'em all, can you? I don't know if I'll ever win the war with him; I wish there wasn't one. But I was relieved to have overcome this one obstacle..

It'll be easier for the both of us once he knows what a crazy bi**h I can be.

___________________________________________________________

Author's note: It couldn't be more emphasized that this entry has been written according to how the author felt AT THE TIME. The author wishes to express that her relationship with the person in question has since then evolved into something much stronger.

He shall always be counted as one of her dearest friends.

Betterment: Part II

2009-09-13T10:36:00.002+08:00

So, hati dah selesai menyelidik. Obviously something needs to change. Tapi, apa nak buat dengan 'keliatan' aku?

When in doubt, FORCE IT.

Aku dah tak punya banyak masa. Waktu tu, puasa dah masuk seminggu. Kalau nak tunggu diri aku sedar sendiri dan ambik mood bulan Ramadhan, tak berubah la aku sampai bila-bila. Jadi aku decide untuk letakkan penghayatan di takuk kedua, dan aku dahulukan soal ritual.

Tiap-tiap malam aku paksa diri solat tarawih 23 rakaat. Tiap-tiap awal pagi aku paksa diri bangun sahur dan pergi sembahyang Subuh berjemaah di masjid. Sebelum ke ofis aku paksa diri tadarus dulu dengan mama. Mp3 aku tolak tepi (most of the time); Ceramah Ustaz Zahazan dan Nasaruddin Hassim jadi ganti.

Atas semua paksaan ni, seksanya hanya Dia yang tahu..

23 rakaat tiap-tiap malam, kalau kamu tak biasa, boleh buat kamu menangis! Baru rakaat kedua aku dah mula rimas; bila nak habis? bila nak habis? First two days, kaki dan lengan aku lenguh tahap cipan dek berkali-kali rukuk dan sujud. Tak cukup tarawih, bila hari minggu mama mesti suruh solat fardhu berjemaah di rumah, kalau tak ke masjid. Aku rasa lemas, seperti tak ada masa untuk diri sendiri. Tapi aku turutkan juga.

Mengaji Qur'an lagi satu perkara. Sebab dah jarang buat, bila tadarus aku sangkut-sangkut. Sifat, makhraj dan harkat entah kemana. Malu betul aku baca depan mama. Nampak sangat la anak sulung dia malas mengaji. Nasib baik dia penyabar. Tatih aku ayat demi ayat. Ulang lagi, ulang lagi, tah berapa kali. Bila tak tadarus aku berlatih baca ayat juz amma supaya aku lebih lancar. More time spent doing something I don't usually do.. haih!

Aku berkongsi semua ni bukan untuk tunjukkan betapa padatnya aktiviti ibadah aku bulan Ramadhan ni. Jauh sekali. Yang aku nak buktikan ialah, bila kita dah terbiasa dengan sesuatu, penghayatan akan datang dengan sendirinya.

Sekarang ni hati aku dah berubah sikit dari 'tak mahu' kepada 'boleh terima.' Tarawih dah kurang menyeksakan. Hati aku masih lagi bertanya bila nak habis? - tapi di rakaat 16, sebab tahap tu kaki aku dah mula lenguh. Tadarus masih merangkak, tapi boleh tahan sebab mama suka selitkan sedikit pengajian harfiah yang dipelajarinya setiap malam jumaat di surau Kampung Melayu.

Dua perkara yang aku dah 'suka' ialah sembahyang jemaah dan dengar ceramah dari CD dan radio IKIM. Sembahyang jemaah means aku solat on-time. Tak perlu risau sembahyang di hujung waktu, seperti kebiasaannya.. (-_-) Aku suka slot Ustaz Zahazan dan Ustaz Nasaruddin Hassim di IKIM fm. Kupasan kitab-kitab dan surah-surah mereka sangat menarik. And plus, suara dua-dua pun sangat comel.. ;p

Mungkin tahun ni aku tak dapat menghayati Ramadhan dengan sepenuhnya, sebab aku masih lagi dalam proses kembali ke arus normal dan cuba mencukupkan apa yang patut. Dari segi ini aku sangat bertuah ada mama. Pada aku dia sudah berada di jalan yang terang; aku cuma perlu mengikut. It definitely would have been impossible if I had to take this journey on my own..

Tahun depan. Tahun depan kalau ada rezeki aku untuk bertemu Ramadhan lagi, Insyaallah aku akan cuba buat sebaik mungkin.

Betterment: Part I

2009-09-12T09:29:00.015+08:00

"Saat ini, ramai umat Islam sedang memburu. Di dalam sepuluh malam terakhir ini ada satu malam yang hayatnya bak seribu bulan. Malam turunnya segala ketetapan bagi tahun akan datang. Malam rezeki yang membuak-buak.

Yang sukarnya, pintu Lailatul Qadr ini terkuak saat ramai yang tak sedarkan diri. Huluran salam sang Jibril sering saja disambut dengkuran dan mimpi.

Penulis ini tidak menyangkal hakikat bahawa pada tahun-tahun sebelumnya, dia juga tergolong diantara mereka-mereka yang ketiduran. Bahkan bila diteliti, terasa seperti pada setiap peluang diberikan Tuhan, dia sedang kelalaian; kuyup dengan limpahan duniawi.."

Salah satu pegangan aku yang kekal hingga ke dewasa ini ialah sentiasa mengambil jalan tengah dalam apa jua situasi. Dalam konteks ilmu dan pengalaman, ini bermaksud aku menerima apa saja yang datang. Sifatku porous, bisa menyerap setiap kemungkinan; buruk baik, betul salah, halal haram. Bukan semua untuk dipraktikkan, tapi semua dalam usaha memahami.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that, aku bumbukan jadi satu dan aku lumurkan ke hati. Pokoknya, sangat tak sesuai kalau kamu melabel aku kudus dan alim, atau mengira hanya kamu saja yang meniti hidup in shades of grey..

Kalau aku buka topeng, kamu pasti nangis.

Hari ni aku mula cari jalan tengah lagi. Sebab hanya dengan mencari baru kita sedar kalau kita sesat atau hilang. Ni yang dikatakan muhasabah diri. Cumanya, bila kita leka dengan sesuatu tu, muhasabah pun secara lembut, takat nak make sure kita tak betul-betul menyimpang. Contohnya:

Aku camni, tapi sembahyang belum tinggal lagi...

Pernah dengar dalam kepala? Minta simpang. Tapi kalau dah terdengar, know that something's wrong somewhere..

Aku mula terfikir keadaan 'sebenar' diri bila datang bulan puasa dan aku liat nak sembahyang tarawih di masjid walau 8 rakaat; apa lagi la 21 rakaat yang disarankan mak. Suara dalam kepala: Aku dah kerja sekarang. Bahagi masa antara ofis dan makmal. Deadline tak menang tangan. Aku keletihan!

Tapi Alhamdulillah, mata hati aku tak dibutakan lagi; masih dapat merasa kalau aku tak di jalan yang sepatutnya. Jadi hati buat research. Cari lagi keburukan yang menjadi petanda kondisi spiritual aku. Hati menjadi sensitif, menunggu masa aku melakukan perkara yang potentially mungkar..

Dan mula la aku perasan semua benda. Contohnya, kalau mama pasang CD ceramah atau radio IKIM dalam kereta, aku rasa semacam. Ada sikit rasa tak puas hati. Tak tahu kenapa. Bila mama tak ada, MP3 aku cepat-cepat jadi ganti. Bergemalah Myvi kesayangan mama dengan alunan muzik yang dia tak suka.

Lagi aku perasan, kesabaran aku. Asal disuruh sikit, aku menyinga. Asal ditegur, menyinga. Lagi dekat time nak buka, lagi dasyat. Dan kekadang tu perkataan yang keluar.. Seriously, I don't know where these ugly things are coming from! But they came spilling out of my mouth like I say them everyday.

Dan petanda yang penghabisan: aku dah mula tak objektif dalam menangani masalah.

Perkara ni sangat aku titikberatkan, sebab pada aku objectivity adalah konsep asas yang menentukan pemikiran dan tindakan seseorang terhadap diri sendiri dan orang lain. Bila kita tak objektif, kita cenderung berat sebelah, berpuak-puak, bersangka buruk dan mementing diri. Dan kalau dah pentingkan diri, takkan terfikir nak muhasabah..

Benda ni dah lama aku jadikan ukuran peribadi; personal trademark aku sebagai seorang sahabat, kakak dan anchor kepada keluarga. Kalau runtuh perkara yang satu ni, maka goyahlah peranan aku di sisi ketiga-tiganya.

Aku sama sekali tak boleh biarkan itu berlaku. Not if I can help it!

Postscript: Adik, akak pinjam title entry kamu ya! Besides, what better way to appreciate a muse than to plagiarize his work? ^^

Heads up!

2009-09-07T10:58:00.007+08:00

I've always wanted to write fiction.

I loved creative writing and language arts classes I took back in highschool. These writing classes put you in an immensely gratifying position; it gives you the right to toggle your world - and sometimes other people's - without censorship or disgrace.

I really wish the Malaysian education system would adopt these courses as part of the syllabus. Heaven knows we've churned out enough textbook writers to last us multiple lifetimes! (not that I believe in reincarnation per se..)

Anyway, I've been looking for ways to ease into this creative writing phase again; I've left it for far too long in favor of factual reports so loved in this country of mine.. I realize I can't write full fiction; I don't have a knack for making up stories. But creative writing doesn't have to be fictitious, do they? I mean, they can also be glaring truths penned with artistic liscense.. ;p

So to start, I'll be writing on flashbacks. We have them half a dozen times a day. In a sense these memories are special, given the fact that we could recall them in particular. And special memories make for excellent canvas on which to draw out the stretches of our imagination, no? ^^

I was thinking of writing out these flashbacks in very short storyline or memoir mode, but this remains to be seen. The flashbacks (whenever I have them) will be previewed on my sidebar shortly before their actual entries come out, and they will be filed under "the view from here." So whenever you see this label, you'll know that the account you're reading actually happened at some point in my life, just not exactly the way I tell it.. ;p

I know.. I'm bored out of my mind and need some form of continuous online entertainment that didn't involve extreme graphics or keeping scores with players on the other side of the darn planet.. -___-

The first account is entitled "Staring contest." I chose this one because it gives a chance for guessing, in more ways than one.. Try to figure it out once I put it up ya! ^.~

Jalan jalan cari daun!

2009-09-05T10:32:00.012+08:00

One of the perks of working where I work is getting to do things that have nothing to do with me…

Minggu lepas, unit aku – Unit Ekologi Hutan – menganjurkan kursus pengenalan pokok. Sebagai seorang RA yang agak sibuk dengan tugasan makmal, aku sangka aku akan dikecualikan dari kewajipan menghadirinya. Lagipun, aku bukanlah seorang ahli ekologi, jauh sekali botani. Lantas dalam kepala aku congask bahawa kehadiran aku tak mungkin dilihat begitu penting.

Tapi ternyata anggaran aku kurang tepat bila Christine menelefon pada hari kursus. “Attendance is compulsory for all UEH staff.. We’ll wait for you, so come on!”

Aku terlupa. I’m a geneticist working for an ecologist..

Lalu dengan berbaju kurung aku mengikut jejak encik Abu Husin – pengendali kursus kami – ke dalam trel hutan simpan FRIM. Hari tu kami belajar mengenali pokok-pokok dari keluarga euphorbiaceae yang banyak terdapat di hutan tropika. Antara pokok popular dari family ni termasuklah pokok getah, pokok berbunga dan ubi keledek.

Sebelum bermula, En. Abu mengingatkan supaya kami memberi sepenuh perhatian. “Tree identification bukan senang. Kalau lalai nanti tak dapat. Saya tahu kita semua puasa, tapi puasa pun boleh belajar juga.”

Dalam hati aku kata: No hal! Belek daun jer pun. Cuba try DNA extraction..

Haish, sifat takabbur ni memang selalu menunggu untuk menjatuhkan hamba-hambaNya.

Masuk saja trel aku diberikan satu dahan yang dipenuhi daun. Menurut En. Abu, corak daun seperti itu dipanggil compound. Aku teliti sikit, aku angguk tanda faham. Kacang. Next example.

Dahan seterusnya mempunyai corak daun yang lebih kurang sama dengan yang sebelumnya, lalu tanpa berfikir aku menjawab, “Compound!”

“Salah tu.. corak daun seperti ini dipanggil simple.”

Serius aku cakap, tak ada bezanya contoh kedua tu dari contoh yang pertama. En. Abu minta kami kenali dahan dan ranting, yang dapat membezakan corak daun. Soalnya, yang mana satu dahan, dan yang mana pula ranting? Dua-dua pun banyak daun juga!

And that’s when all hell broke loose..

Makin jauh ke dalam trel, aku, Christine dan Joann makin keliru. Aku rasa kalau saat tu aku jadi renjer hutan, aku la yang paling hampeh. Mesti aku akan duduk depan satu pokok berjam-jam lamanya, semata-mata nak belek daun. Ceh, asal coraknya saja aku dah termangu. Tu belum masuk bab bentuk daun, jumlah urat dan stipules.

Corak daun nampak sama tapi owh so tak serupa!

Setengah jam berjalan tangan aku dah penuh dengan contoh daun dan dahan/ranting. Berkali-kali En. Abu menyoal, menilai kefahaman kami. Tapi aku main teka jawapannya. Kadang-kadang betul, selalunya salah. Lama-lama, kesabaran aku menipis.

“En. Abu, ni saja ke caranya nak ID pokok? Tengok daun saja?”

“Tak,” jawabnya spontan, sedikit defensif. Serta-merta aku rasa bersalah. “Oh.. boleh tunjukkan cara lain tak En. Abu? Mungkin cara yang lebih senang orang bebal cam saya ni nak faham,” aku sengih.

Dia tersenyum jahat. Apparently selain daun, spesis pokok juga boleh dikenalpasti dari segi buah, bunga, corak kulit, getah pokok, jenis akar, dahan, tanah, aras tinggi—

Ooookay... menyesal aku tanya!

I have to say though, despite the difficulties I was having a blast! Aku tak berapa faham tentang tree identification, but I will never look at a tree the same way again, that's for sure! Dan kalau tak dapat apa pun, sekurang-kurangnya aku dapat luangkan masa berjalan dalam hutan, sesuatu yang dah jarang aku lakukan sejak terpaksa berada di makmal. Forest and nature is what I enjoy most in life, and to be a part of it again even for just an hour did a lot to lift my mood.

Dan yang paling penting, aku belajar hargai kecekalan renjer-renjer FRIM yang banyak menghabiskan masa melakukan kerja-kerja renyah-tapi-perlu macam ni. Bayangkan, aku tuding jari ke mana-mana pokok, dan mereka akan ID bukan saja spesis, malah genus, family serta kegunaan komersil. Tahap kemahiran macam tu tak mungkin aku dapat dengan hanya sejam dua belajar..

Dalam perjalanan keluar trel aku mencuit Christine. Dia memandang aku, seperti sangat tahu yang aku tak puas hati dengan proses pembelajaran hari ni. “Can’t wait to get back to the lab, huh?” she guessed, waiting for the definite Yes.

I couldn't help it. I jump at every opportunity of proving this woman wrong..

“Actually, I was going to ask you when the next Jalan-Jalan Cari Daun will be.”

Doing it wrong, learning it right..

2009-08-25T00:43:00.013+08:00

“Are you sure?” dia tanya lagi.

“Betul la tu,” aku angguk, separa yakin. Ada sesuatu dalam suaranya yang buat aku rasa was-was.

Sekali lagi mataku tertumpu kepada buku lab yang sedang asyik diteliti Dr. Kevin, supervisor makmal aku. Berkali-kali dia menyelak helaiannya, sekejap ke jadual resipi master mix PCR aku, sekejap ke gambar gel electrophoresis terkini. Gambar yang nampak sangat tak betulnya.

Dari segi fizikal, seperti PCR aku berjaya. Jalur DNA marker COI nampak terang-benderang atas gel tu. Bila aku tunjukkan ke warga makmal, semua menepuk tahniah bahu aku. Tapi, sebab aku liat nak puas hati, lama aku belek gambar dalam tangan. Perhati punya perhati, baru aku sedar, semua DNA marker aku hanyut ke takuk 100 bp, walhal saiz sebenar sepatutnya di tangga 600. Marker aku tak cukup lagi 500 base pairs…

Sah la ada yang tak kena.

Tiba-tiba Kevin tergelak. Aku makin tak suka dengan keadaan. Dia menuding ke gambar gel. “Ni bukan marker la. Ni semua very impressive-looking primer dimer saja!”

Mata aku tak beralih dari buku, tapi dalam hati aku merungut. Kevin, ko biar betul.. band secantik tu ko bilang sampah? Hampeh!

Namun di luar hati aku ‘oh’kan saja. Aku lebih interested untuk faham di mana kesilapan aku. Lain yang aku tuju, lain pulak yang aku dapat. Kalau berterusan macam ni, menangis la Dr. Christine. Tentu sekali projek ni takleh nak siap sebelum hujung tahun ni. Projek yang paling mahal pernah FRIM sponsor, tersangkut.

Projek yang kesimpulannya terletak betul-betul atas kepala otak aku.

“So, what happened?” aku bertanya, mahu cepat membetulkan kesalahan. Dia tersengih dan kembali ke jadual master mix PCR. Aku teliti resipinya. Resipi yang aku kenali sejak zaman undergrad lagi. “So?”

“Kamu tak nampak apa yang salah?”

“Tak.”

“Tak!?”

“Kevin!”

Dia tergelak lagi, lalu mengajak aku duduk di meja makmal. Di lembaran kosong buku lab aku dia mula menyonteng penjelasan. Makin lama muka aku makin panas menahan malu. Banyak betul yang aku buat salah. Apa saja yang aku faham selama ni, aku pun tak tau. Dari soal dilution ke sample volume, semua aku screw up. Dammit!

Aku cuba mengingat. Ada tak Br. Kamarul ajar semua ni semasa Final Year Project dulu? Setahu aku, tak. Yang penting waktu tu, aku faham apa nak buat dengan pelbagai kits yang diberikan. Apa yang ada, aku guna. Ikut manual. Tak payah susahkan otak.

Well, apparently that won't work anymore..

Kevin cukup sabar mengajar aku. Buku aku yang dulunya kemas kini berselerak dengan formula dan kira-kira. Tanpa aku sedari, kami dikerumuni warga makmal yang lain, semua mengikuti Kevin dengan penuh perhatian. Kak Yam selaku ketua RA makmal memeluk bahuku seraya berbisik; tak apa, kitaorang pun sedang belajar juga.

Dan dengan begitu saja, rasa seganku hilang. Kita semua pelajar, tak kisahlah setinggi mana kita pergi. There’s always room for mistakes; to learn and grow. Aku tak salahkan sesiapa atas kekurangan aku. Aku sedar, Br. Kamarul banyak memberi peluang untuk belajar, cuma aku yang kurang peka.

Kadangkala kita kena asuh diri sendiri. Kamu faham? Contohnya, aku tahu aku ni degil. Keras kepala. Selalu ingin betul. Sindrom anak sulung. Tapi, sampai satu tahap aku tak boleh ambil ringan keangkuhan aku. Sampai masa aku harus akur yang aku kekurangan, dan beri laluan kepada yang lebih mengetahui untuk memimpin.

It’s not easy to admit one’s deficiencies. But in the greater scheme of things, a little groveling goes a long way in giving us what we all deserve; a chance at understanding life.

You know it's time to take a break when......

2009-08-11T11:49:00.019+08:00

...........your parents' obligations becomes yours.

My mum was asleep by 2 a.m. last night, leaving me to tie up the loose ends of her research presentation well into the wee hours of dawn. An economist I am not, but I swear, by 8 a.m. this morning I had become an expert on Watershed Valuation and Opportunity Cost Analysis..

Of course, I also became the walking dead.. I shuffled about the CBioD National Stakeholders' Workshop completely out of focus, and slept through most of the morning's presenters.

I was only awake for my mother's turn, where I proceeded to spend the next thirty minutes clutching at my chest and mouthing the powerpoint slides along with her word for word, willing her not to falter.

Her RAs regarded me with mild disgust and sympathy... For puck's sakes, I'd spent the entire weekend crafting my mum's frigging research-output powerpoints for her! What did they expect!?

On the one hand I always ask myself, "Is there anything you can't do?" but the other hand keeps yelling, "Well, stop offering what you can!"

*Sigh* Say what you will, inner spirits.. But offer them I must.

I came home from work yesterday evening with a trunkload worth of groceries, thanks to my excursion at the pasar malam. Our fridge and pantry were almost empty, and it seems I was the only one with time, budget and attention to dwindling details to give a damn.

Kak Yati - our faithful maid - took the goods from me without so much as a word. I read the soft expression on her face and I knew what she was thinking and I was slightly afraid of all the things she's seen in my family and what she thought of them.

But, to her credit she's been very sweet to me lately. Always offering to do little things; always obliging. If that wasn't a sign of kind understanding, I didn't know what was.

Haish, be thankful you people have parents who are.. well, parents..

Heck, just be thankful you're not 27 sporting premature wrinkles and grey hairs and we'll call it a day!

2009-08-04T14:11:00.006+08:00

Mari aku kenalkan: ni la dia projek Masters aku yang telah dicadangkan USM dan UNIMAS. Tambah kelawar spesis Hipposideros bicolor, DNA sampling di kontinen dan kepulauan tertentu atas map tuh, dan analisa phylogeografi tahap dewa.

Mantap? Tunggu aku explain sikit dulu..

The above map illustrates the Sunda and Sahul shelves, which existed during last ice age, about 17000 years ago. These shelves came about with the presence of two land bridges; the Sunda land bridge, which connected much of Southeast Asia to Mainland Asia, and the Sahul land bridge, which connected Australia to the neigboring New Zealand. Between the two shelves is an area called Wallacea, named after the famed biologist Alfred Russel Wallace, who noted that biota on the Wallacean islands did not resemble the biota from iether of the shelves flanking them.

Jadi, apa pentingnya rak Sunda, rak Sahul dan Wallacea?

Pertama, dengan timbulnya titian tanah Sunda dan Sahul, sedikit sebanyak kita dapat mendalami corak penghijrahan flora dan fauna di masa lampau, sekurang-kurangnya di benua Asia. Kedua, kita dapat melihat kesan terhadap flora dan fauna apabila titian-titian tanah ini tenggelam berikutan kenaikan paras air laut yang kekal ke hari ini; kesan seperti evolusi, adaptasi, kepupusan, ataupun kehadiran spesis unik di kontinen atau kepulauan tertentu saja (endemism). Ketiga, penyelidikan seperti ini dapat memberi impak pada usaha pemeliharaan sedia ada, dengan mengenalpasti kawasan biodiversiti tinggi yang harus dilindungi.

Sekian penerangan.

Tengok penjelasan macam aku faham... kan? Don't let that fool you!

Setiap kali aku tengok peta tu, otak aku serabut. Bukan sebab aku tak faham, tapi sebab terlampau banyak faktor yang harus aku ambil kira. Itu baru masalah logistik. Ni fauna of interest tak cerita lagi ni. Genetics tah ke mana. mtDNA? microsatellites? SNPs?? HAISH!

Nak tulis proposal pun aku tak tahu nak mula dari mana. Setiap kali aku buka Word minda aku jadi beku. Jadi aku pandang je la skrin putih tu, sampai mata aku berair dan kabur..

Dr. Azizah masih menunggu. Mr. T dah penat menanti. Dr. Christine dah tak sabar-sabar lagi.

Stop having so much faith in me! I'm only human!!

Postscript: Kawan-kawan, aku merayu.. jom la kita pi cuti! (=_=)

Pending Nuptials

2009-07-22T21:10:00.007+08:00

It was 11:30 pm when my cellphone rang. I picked up the call, muttering an automatic salam while trying to shake off enough sleep for a coherent conversation. With whomever it was at the other end of the line.

“Kak Sofie… Along ni.”

Oh. Right. Along.

Our families are very close, Along’s and mine. Her mother was my mum’s older sister, and my favorite aunt. We grew up practically in each other’s homes; we were each other’s support system and lifeline when things were rough. And when we lost her mother to cancer three years ago, that lifeline became essential as my family struggled to keep a strong hold on Along, her siblings and their mu’alaf father.

Our familial relationship meant we were cousins. However, her growing up with me felt every bit like we were siblings.

My mind flew back briefly to the phone conversation between my mum and her dad earlier in the evening. He had invited—no, requested our family’s presence at a risik meeting for Along this weekend. My mother was to take the place of my late aunt in the upcoming discussions.

My mum accepted the task, as a devoted sister and stand-in mother would. But I thought she seemed a tad sad about it. And I think I know why.

Her first experience in marrying off a daughter will, unfortunately, not start with her own brood.

I know she feels a bit apprehensive. I am the eldest grandchild of the family, and although the phrase langkah bendul doesn’t immediately come to mind, that’s essentially what it is, isn’t it? I’d been beside my mother when she ended the conversation, and her eyes told me so much when she looked at me. I didn’t want her to pull me down that depressing road, so I cut her off by teasing her about what good practice it’ll be for when my time finally comes. If it ever.

My mother never pressured me into marriage. I was sure her silence on the subject was due to her respect for my feelings, and faith that I would find my own way to the altar someday, somehow. I’ve always been the independent one after all. And my father? well, he’s only too happy to see me remain unattached. Something about always being daddy’s little girl.

Honestly, the opposite sex – and all that that entails – was never my forte. Outside of friendship and camaraderie, I really didn’t understand guys. I was always their older sister, their friend, their confidant. Relationships beyond these perimeters were locked doors and off limits to me.

Oh, not that I’ve never tried gaining access. Believe me, I’d risked it enough to hurt.

I’ve watched the way my female colleagues deal with the men where we worked. All the silly banter and witty comebacks and subtle signals. I thought, what man in his right mind would be attracted to so much nonsense? And yet…

It drew them like moths to a flame. All of them.

I didn’t banter. I wasn’t sharp enough for witty comebacks. And according to reliable sources, I am completely oblivious to signals of any kind! I’d proven this true by observing the men whenever they were in my presence. At best, some were polite and conversational. At worst, I was ignored altogether. Guess it's nothing but business with Miss Shaaruddin...

Perhaps my grandmother was the one to put it most delicately. It had me and my mother laughing when we heard what she had to say. It also secretly made my mother an emotional wreck not long after that.

Anak kau sorang yang tak laku.

Truthful words. Short and effective. And my dear cousin’s pending nuptial is only one of so many chances my grandma has had to prove it.

What else can I do but laugh?

Haish, somebody gimme a big fat hug!

What A Girl Wants

2009-07-08T19:53:00.012+08:00

Note: A close friend’s recent post encouraged this entry.

When you want something, the entire universe conspires to make it happen.

It was never my intention to give up UNIMAS. I could go so far as saying I was forced to give it up. FRIM was not willing to let me leave the peninsula for my MSc studies, citing communication difficulties and the possible ‘clash of interest’ between it and UNIMAS as some of the many foreseeable problems.

It also didn’t help that my FRIM supervisor kept looking like she was having a coronary whenever I mentioned a certain professor from the school. A professor I’d been in contact with for the past year and a half. A professor who humbly asked me to call him “Mr. T” instead of the formality he deserves.

A professor I would kill to have on my panel of advisors for Masters.

So I threw my fate to faith and went searching for a molecular ecology expert closer to home. I was really disappointed, mind you. My search was half-hearted. I was surfing some insignificant website (insignificant because I can’t remember what it was) when I stumbled upon a weblink to USM in Penang. Yeah, Penang is good. Very far from FRIM! I thought vindictively as I clicked on the link.

I love the USM website, by the way. Its straight-forwardness led me directly to what I was looking for. Scrolling through the academic staff list at the School of Biological Sciences website, my eyes fell upon a sweet looking lady with a title that made my smile stretch a mile wide.

Associate Professor Dr. Siti Azizah Mohd. Nor
(Molecular Ecology and Population Genetics)

Supervisor: FOUND!

She was no expert when it came to bats though. Not like Mr. T. Her profile stated that she worked mostly with marine fish, and dabbled a little with insect DNA before that. But I wasn’t about to be picky. I liked her, and that was a good start. In any case, my RAship scheme had already commenced and I was in no position to bicker about the choice of experts this late in the game. I needed a supervisor quick, and she was the best I could come up with on such short notice.

So I sent her an email that afternoon. I was thinking it might take a while; I’ve written to several potential supervisors before, only to have my emails answered a few weeks later, if not at all. But I guess faith had a lot to teach me, for I received her reply the very next morning.

The email was short, but exhilarating! She was interested in what I was doing, and wanted to speak personally with me about them. She gave me a number to call and the suitable time, and thanked me for my interest.

If you don’t already know, I’m really big on physical relationships. I like meeting people and getting to know them up close and personal. It’s my way of understanding friends and what they want; what they need. I suppose that also explains my lack of interest in virtual community platforms such as friendster, twitter or facebook.

I know, I know.. it’s fun as hell to leave messages and play games and virtually poke, kidnap, buy or sell each other in the spirit of friendship. But it hardly tells me anything about a person, much less anything I could trust.

The fact that Dr. Azizah was asking to speak with me showed me she cared for my education, at least that much. Looking at her impressive academic background and list of publications, I felt I should be formal, courteous and straight to the point.

But she caught me off-guard. She was laughing the moment I called, asking me good-naturedly about my experiences and future goals. She was bright, friendly and infectious; the kind of people to put you at ease in any given situation. My kind of people.

Don’t get me wrong though. She was no slack, either. Her tone of voice, though merry, bid me to prove to her that I am worthy of her tutelage. So while I felt relaxed around her, it was never to the point where I forgot who she was, or the purpose of our conversation.

The highlight of our little chat came when I told her about my project involving bats. She was quiet throughout my explanation, and when I was done she asked me a question that nearly thwarted my spirit.

“Why are you asking me for a supervisor? I think a bright young lady like you should know by now that UNIMAS is the best place for you.”

Uh-huh. Tell me something I don’t know, lady.

“I have a contact there I can get you in touch with,” she went on. “His name is professor Tajuddin… People like to call him Mr. T?”

No shit.

My head hurt. I felt like I’d gone back to square one, which was not where I wanted to end up when I started this conversation. So I launched into a lengthy play-by-play of my situation with FRIM and my futile efforts of getting to UNIMAS, or the famed Mr.T. I figured if there was any time or anyone I could appeal to for help; now was the time, and this woman was it.

She laughed at my predicament, but set to solving my problems immediately.

“That’s alright then. You take me on as supervisor, and I’ll talk to Mr. T and see if we can’t elect him as your co.. deal?”

When you want something, the entire universe conspires to make it happen.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am now living proof of the above statement.

What my mother wants from my new job!

2009-07-03T23:37:00.004+08:00

“Pi.. Nanti dapat gaji, belikan mama yang tu!”

Hn. This was becoming a regular request. Not good. Definitely not good.

Us girls - that includes me, my mum, my grandma and Pura - were at an electronic store in boisterous Tampin, looking for a new food processor to replace the one that went haywire in my grandma’s kitchen. Getting that one thing was easy enough. We pick, we pay, we leave.

The problem? The multiple decks of other, unnecessarily gleaming appliances. The kind that tends to glue the butts of housewives to the electronics aisle for that much longer.

My mother isn’t one. A housewife, I mean. Making a career out of practical spending, her perusal through these aisles was methodical. An economist at heart, she wasn’t into the window shopping, pay-on-credit lifestyle so shamelessly popular these days. She firmly believed in cold hard cash. It was either that or nothing.

I followed her to the back of the store, where the shelves were lined with microwaves and ovens. I saw her eyes glazed over as she fingered each and every one of them, no doubt reliving her golden baking days. She’d been trying to revive the era for some time now, what with the constant disposal of fresh recipes onto my lap every time she came home from work. I’d gotten to wondering what she really does at the office.

Her eyes settled on a particularly large piece, tastefully clad in black with cute dials and steel rungs and glass windows. It’s an impressive machine, and at the back of my mind I wished she would buy it. The price was worth about a third of my pay, but I know she would never settle for that. Haggling with the shop owner for ten minutes, she managed to move the price down to about a fifth of my pay.

I was marveling at her cool negotiating skills too, when she suddenly told me that it would actually come from my pay! (-_-)v

Haish…

I am no stranger to household financial responsibility. Frankly, I’d taken the family’s bread winner #3 position more seriously when I began my job stint a little over a year ago. In those days I’d help out with bills, groceries and other household amenities – internet, postpaid – whenever I can. I wasn’t free to do as I please with what cash I have, but I wasn’t completely bound to these duties either.

These days though, they were becoming more and more routine. I could only symbolize it as a mother’s pride at seeing her eldest daughter settled in her career (either that or marriage *shivers*). And the fact that I am now working in the same organization as she is makes it seem all the more heaven-sent.

Some would say that’s a good thing. Being my mother’s daughter certainly has its advantages. Besides, most of the senior officers at work knew me back when I was still in diapers (heck, my director has seen me naked!), so my joining the team was more a family affair than a new job. Of course, that didn’t mean I was free to do as I please. But it does make official procedures and other little administrative quirks go over much, much smoother.. *evil grin*

Despite that, my esteemed post came with heavy baggage in tow. I am my mother’s daughter after all, and that alone makes for juicy office scandal. I had filled one of only a handful of positions that were coveted by hundreds of other applicants – positions that were suspended pending a review – and of which, I was the only applicant to pass through. So, it’s only natural for people to assume I came into the post through my mother’s influences, seeing as she is a senior research officer.

For the record, this was not the case. In fact, my familial connection to the organization was only realized during the later stages of my application process. Ironically, it was my supervisor’s cunning influence that won me the job. She needed my help to start her DNA project, and couldn’t wait for the review board as her project deadline loomed near. Stating time as a crucial factor, she pushed for my immediate appointment to the post.

It would be three agonizing months before they would relent and give her what she wants. But they relented, which made me wonder of the kind of power and capabilities now presiding over my professional life. The power I deign to call my boss..

After my new job, my mum seemed visibly relaxed. She was a lot less worried about things, and I realized the kind of strain she must have endured since my father’s retirement two years ago. Since then she’d been the sole breadwinner with much to carry on her shoulders, and that burden was beginning to weigh her down considerably.

Still, she was never one to give up. In all that turmoil she remained patient of my father’s post-retirement ‘need to be free’ attitude, and of my siblings with their sometimes infantile behavior and gross academic roller-coasters and financial antics. For all that she has been through, my mum was definitely worthy of redemption.

I didn’t get to buy her the oven that day. But as the rest of the women file out towards the car, I leaned sideways over the payment counter, trying my best at a conspirational grin.

“Taukeh,” I whispered. “Lain kali wa datang mau angkat itu oven, lu kasi harga tadi la.. RM300, okeh?”

Kaleidoscope

2009-07-01T23:55:00.003+08:00

June was absolutely spectacular!

I know, saying that while lounging in the comforts of my room, clad in my favorite PJs and smelling faintly of Skin Food’s yummy Coffee & Sugar body scrub I love so much makes me feel like the biggest hypocrite. Truth is, June couldn’t have been more insane. I’m still suffering from bruises, blisters and sprains.

But I am unrepentant. If I had the chance – and I will, insyaAllah – I would do it all again.

For the most part, I have FRIM to thank for last month’s many exploits, both below and above sea level. My parents like to call it the perks of “working for the government”. Funny, I thought it was "bloody physiotherapy."

Pulau Redang, 5-8 June 2009

Everything started with a trip to Redang, organized and hosted by Kelab FRIM. Three days and two nights’ worth of snorkeling, island-hopping, barbecues, candat sotong and water adventures with Jogun & Bella the sea-diving monkeys left me feeling like I hadn’t a care in the world.

Redang had a convenient way of making me forget my troubles. All I could think of while on the island was getting off it, into the warm, clear blue that harbored corals and colorful fishes and sea cucumbers and monkeys. The nights were liquid and soothing. How could they not be when you’re lazily swinging in one of the many hammocks hung under the moonlight?

It was the kind of vacation I needed after two grueling months in FRIM, and it was a good chance for me to be with the family I’d been neglecting the past few months.

Gunung Angsi Research Expedition, 9-18 June 2009

My biggest nightmare which took place the day after my return from Redang, was a lot harder to swallow. I’d been forewarned by both supervisors and colleagues that this expedition wouldn’t be easy, but they insisted I should not be left behind.

Nor did I want to be. I’ve always wanted a life as an ecologist, and this would be the perfect opportunity to live one, even if only for a few short weeks.

We didn’t get to camp inside the Angsi reserve. Instead, we were stationed at an agriculture complex at the foothills and we would make our way up into our research plots everyday, shortly after dawn. The research transects were set at the slopes and ridges of the mountain about 300 to 500 meters up. Getting there was often an 80^o climb. I was crawling on my hands and knees just to keep from sliding into the valley below.

Day 1 on the transects nearly left me crying. I was thankful to my teammate Joann for patiently keeping me company during the slow climb, and for teaching me to process live bats – species identification, tagging, weighing, forearm measurements and DNA sampling. I had spent some time with my supervisor learning the basics of bat identification the night before, so I was happy to be able to immediately apply them.

Oh, but I was exhausted! My less-than-competent body was fast showing signs of strain. My screaming nerves and burning muscles were keeping me from sleep. All I could think of was the rest of the week, when I would have to endure the climb over and over again. Lying on a mite-ridden mattress that night, I repeated a supplication my mum taught me in times of peril: La ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu min azzalimin.

That prayer was my salvation. By the third day I was no longer thinking about going home. I found it easier to stop thinking altogether. Whenever we had to go into the forest, I’d tune out the journey by just looking down and focusing on my climb, reading that prayer whenever I could. Besides, I was getting the hang of bat identification, which I found immensely interesting. Joann was even confident enough to leave me alone to it by day 5 while she moved on to check on the other transects.

There was also geng burung, geng sungai, geng pokok, geng kelulut and geng kumbang with us. We were all using the same transects, all the easier for me to gain knowledge of other ecology research methods. I especially liked geng burung – whose colorful birds really make my day – and geng kelulut, who kept me in high spirits with their easy-going manner and positive outlook.

It was even more enjoyable on the last day, when the transects were soaked by heavy rain, and we were forced to climb up and down a muddy mountain. Every inch of my khaki pants were caked with mud and soil and tree saps from kneeling and sliding, and I had splinters in my hands from accidentally holding on to thorny rattans and sharp twigs. Not to mention the many unfortunate run-ins with kelingkiak, cengkenik, kutu babi and pacat ... Haish!

But you know what satisfied me most? We were waiting for our 4WD to take us back to base camp at the end of the day, when I noticed Dzamir from geng kelulut grinning wickedly at me. I had assumed, from my mud-ridden, sweat-soaked attire that he was laughing at my predicament. The following conversation ensues:

Dzamir: *grin* You're looking great, Sof!

Sofie: Sampai hati ko gelak..

Dzamir: *sober* I’m not laughing at you..

Sofie: Dah tu?

Dzamir: *grins again* Aku paling suka tengok orang berusaha. Ko banyak berusaha..

Joann: Kan? dan dia tak pernah cakap “tak nak.”

Sofie: ... Sebab aku tak nak menyesal..

Fauzan's Wedding, 20 June 2009

I hurt myself getting there.

We'd managed to complete the Angsi expedition and make it back to KL two days before the wedding. But the physical trauma from my exertions were showing one by one. I had sprained both knees, as well as my right ankle. I was bed-ridden for the better part of the next day and the simptoms were getting worse.

It was time to whip out my miracle drug.

By the time I made my way to the wedding that Saturday, my bloodstream was saturated with Ibuprofen, without which I couldn't even stand, let alone drive the three-hour stretch from KL to Ipoh. It was marvelous. I couldn't feel a thing.

Looking back though, I guess the drug had affected me in more ways than one. I wasn't only physically numb; my emotions also took a backseat. I had pictured it to be a rather somber, reflective drive. Instead, I was animatedly chatting with Ann the entire way there. Many times I saw Safura looking at me funny, but I thought nothing of it.

Fauzan's married. I should feel something, but I don't. So what?

We'd arrived late at the wedding hall. The bride and groom were nowhere to be seen, but I'd remembered Fauzan saying something about a costume change for the cake-cutting ceremony. The food was almost catered off the buffet tables by the time we got there, so we took whatever was available. Don't ask me what I had at the wedding though; to this day I could not remember...

We were done with food by the time the bride and groom graced the hall. Ann and I stayed put, hoping Fauzan would look for us in the crowds somehow. But alas, he and Hidayah were drowned out by professional photographers snapping pose after pose. Fauzan was oblivious, so immersed in apparent bliss that he didn't see us inching closer and closer to the stage, my camera poised to capture his moment of realization.

But when he did realize our presence, I couldn't take the picture.

He had this utterly shocked look on his face. I smiled, and the shock mellowed into something else. It was like seeing relief, mixed with warmth and gratitude and sadness and.. something else I couldn't explain. Suddenly it was painful, so I immediately tried lightening things up by asking the couple to pose.

Ah, the darn painkiller was starting to wear off. I was starting to feel again..

Fauzan was being dragged everywhere for pictures, which left him very little time for us. I wish I had the chance to talk to him, but since that wasn't possible, I settled on seeing him happy. He seemed to be having the time of his life, and his happiness heaved a great boulder off my chest. I wished the rest of BTB were there for the occasion. Having just me and Ann present really made it a strange excursion.

We somehow left the wedding in an indescribable mood. I was starting to ache all over; a sign that my painkillers were waning. By the time I'd reach home, I was limping off my right ankle and feeling very grumpy for reasons unknown. I was disappointed I wasn't able to get many pictures with the Couple of the Hour. Even more disappointed when I couldn't load it onto the computer..

But, I will always hold on to that expression Fauzan had when he saw us. It wasn't completely readable, but it was clear enough to let me know that everything will be alright.

Tribute

2009-06-26T22:00:00.004+08:00

It's funny how little things that have nothing to do with me tend to affect me these days.

For example, I was driving to the office this morning, listening to Hits FM when I heard Michael Jackson died. I didn't know what I was doing in the next few seconds after that, but by the time I snapped out of it, my front bumper was almost kissing the rear bumper of my supervisor's brand new CRV.

I was beyond shocked. Out of nowhere came this huge sense of loss. For no apparent reason.

I spent the rest of the day - when not in a meeting - glued to the radio stations that played only his music. I sang along to song after song and I realized I knew every word of every single one of them. They made me remember precious bits and pieces of my childhood; something I hadn't thought of for a long, long time.

More than that, I used to believe in his words; in his faith that the world can become a better place. And for feeling this loss, I guess a big part of me still does believe.

I just wished, for all his pain and suffering, that I could let him know..

Aftermath of a conversation

2009-06-02T20:59:00.005+08:00

“How long can you stay with someone who doesn’t love you?”

Ah. I wasn’t expecting that one. A tricky question, that is.

I looked at my brother, ten times more composed than the last mess I’d seen him when we first talked about broken hearts. It was something we shared in confidence. Well, being eldest in the family has its perks. I am sole privy to everyone’s darkest secrets. But then, I seem to have a particular understanding with this one. Experience wise.

It’s funny. I had a feeling the question was phrased in reference to my romantic chagrin rather than his own.

My brother wanted me to produce an answer. I wanted to keep him away from it. I wasn’t sure my response could help him; it certainly didn’t help me much. I don’t need him sinking into that sorry pit of despair all over again. So, as always I took the middle path. I shrugged my shoulders and gave him my best who knows expression.

Once bitten twice shy. That was my brother. He began with having so much faith and trust in one single being called a girl. She was, according to him, the very symbol of the rest of his life. She was religious, unbridled yet seemingly subservient. She would be the perfect life partner for someone who desperately dreamed of a family with conserved order. Wife at home with kids and meals and laundry. Husband working hard to support the family.

For four years it was all blue skies and fluffy white clouds. Until the day she happily told him she was getting engaged. To someone else.

The grieving cycle hit him really hard then. He broke, and I’d spent weeks walking him through the denial, the anger, self blame and depression. For a while he lost faith in women, particularly religious ones. He doubted a lot of things about himself, and went rambling on about what he could, should or would have done to save the situation. It was the most frustrating, annoying and painful thing to watch, especially when it’s your own blood.

How long can you stay with someone who doesn’t love you?

It isn’t easy. That question – if you’re distracted long enough to think about it – puts you at a crossroad almost immediately. What was the point in holding on to something that will never belong to you? Bunga bukan sekuntum, kumbang bukan seekor. Walk away and never look back was my father’s immediate advice when he saw my brother’s pathetic condition. Leave her, be a better man and make her pine for you!

An advice so vindictive and ill-dispensed, and yet so understandable coming from a prideful man.

To stop loving was never the question. Was love so cheap and low that it should dissolve at the slightest refusal? The aching in our hearts that moves us to care, to protect and to ensure the happiness of another.. does it exist with such intensity so that we can one day entirely forget? A devotion so easily evaporated – that isn’t love. Not by any stretch of the word.

I wanted my brother to know that it’s okay to continue loving someone. To continue to care. Not so that he can live a miserable life pining and waiting. But so that he may understand that love is a blessing, disguised or otherwise. A feeling heaven-sent to teach him to cherish others other than himself. In the larger scheme of things it didn’t matter that his feelings were not returned. What mattered was that he loved.

A friend once told me that caring makes for a heavy heart. One that becomes difficult to carry. Others felt the need to empty theirs in order to let others in. And then there were those who simply shut the doors and refused all advances.

Funny, but it’s hard for me to see it quite that way. I know my heart is alive and warm only when it is filled with the people and the things I love. I can’t fathom the things I care about ever becoming a burden to me. I believe the heart has infinite space and a vast capacity to hold many things dear. I've never run out of space to let people in and stay. You can love someone. But you can love someone else, too.

When I love someone, that person becomes a part of me for always. Because to love is as much about me as it is about them. It’s about me because I’m the one who loves, regardless of the outcome. And it’s about them because when we love someone, we want what’s best for them. We want what makes them happy, even if that removes us from the picture.

So, to my brother, my answer is this: leave the door open and let them come and go. Continue to love for as long as you want to, as long as you can. Move on if you feel the need and only when the time is right. Your heart may be heavy, but it could never be something you’re not strong enough to carry.

Because to love is to gain a source of strength.

It is only right that the more you love, the stronger you’ll be.

Hold My Hand

2009-05-15T21:56:00.006+08:00

I need someone to hold my hand
A mountain is looming before me
The wall in my heart won't budge
I'm safe behind it and yet so unsatisfied

I need someone to hold my hand
The trouble can't be seen
But my fear is waking again
Rising from disabilities I can't hide

I need someone to hold my hand
It's painful, the climb
And lonely so many times
Each step retracting from my path

I need someone to hold my hand
Take my hits through gritted teeth
Break the rules for me
Sink and float willingly

I need someone to hold my hand
Pull me through with a glance
Urge me on with a smile
Call out my name when I get there

But,
If it's too much to ask
I just need you
To hold my hand.

________________________________________________

Cambodia: Chapter I

2009-03-23T12:30:00.022+08:00

Earlier this month, my parents and I had the chance to visit the city Phnom Penh, Cambodia. I didn’t tell anyone I was going, even those closest to me - hence this entry..

Sebenarnya trip ke Phnom Penh agak tergesa-gesa. Kebetulan Majlis Ketua Kampung Daerah Gombak mengadakan ziarah ke sana, dan bila aku dapat tahu dua minggu sebelumnya, aku sign up on the spot.

Aku kira, aku ada masa, sedikit duit dan kudrat.. bila lagi?

I badly needed this excursion to bring my mind back into focus. I wished I could have gone alone for some solitude and personal space. Apa mahu buat. Aku seorang perempuan.

Banyak yang nak aku cerita, tapi malas nak buat dokumentari perjalanan yang panjang berjela. Jadinya, kita go on a day-to-day basis saja ya!

Hari 1 – Nyaris Ketinggalan

Flight pukul 3 petang. 1 pm aku masih lagi kat KL Sentral. Pasport dan tiket di tangan pakcik Adnan dan 30 orang peserta lain yang dah terlebih dahulu berada di LCCT. Ini perkara biasa dengan family aku. According to my dad, mama aku ada ”internal beeper” di punggungnya yang akan on secara automatik bila nak berjalan jauh. Sebab, bila dah duduk kat kerusi kereta baru la dia nak ingat semua benda!

Tapi Tuhan maha kuasa. Flight kami ditakdirkan lewat sejam! ^^

Rombongan ini disertai lebih 30 peserta, kebanyakannya warga emas, suami isteri. Aku sangat selesa, sebab aku serasi dengan orang tua. Their wisdom and sense of humor is refreshing, dan aku banyak belajar. Plus, for once aku boleh jadi orang muda. And that, my friends, doesn't happen a lot!

Flight Air Asia AK 852 bertolak ke Phnom Penh pukul 4:30 petang. Satu perjalanan yang menyeksakan! Tu la, aku nak sangat window seat. Kononnya nak ambil gambar.. Dah la tempat duduk tiga serangkai, ruang kaki sekangkang kera. Aku dihimpit mama dan abah yang tak kurang besar saiznya dari aku yang memang bersaiz besar. Bila aku nak ambil gambar ke luar tingkap, ada je flight attendant lalu minta aku switch off all electronics. Jadi aku tersepit, terhimpit dan tersekat... adeh!

Dua jam kemudian AK 852 masuk ke ruang udara Kemboja. Dalam kepala, aku bayangkan Phnom Penh satu tanah subur dan hijau. Luar kepala, jauh panggang dari api. Dari udara yang nampak cuma petak-petak tandus. Tak ada gunung ganang, tak ada hutan. Cuma tanah lapang dan pohon-pohon kelapa laut yang tumbuh jarang.

Waktu Kemboja mendahului Malaysia lebih kurang sejam. 6:30 petang sudah pun Maghrib. Selepas flight check-in, kami dibawa terus ke Puncak hotel, which is Malaysian owned. I was a bit disappointed we weren’t being more adventurous and local, but at least I didn’t have to become a vegetarian for the rest of the trip. Kemboja bukan negara Islam. Warganya makan apa saja, and I mean anything! Sekurang-kurangnya di hotel Puncak aku tak perlu risau halal haram.

Malam tu kami bertemu mufti Kemboja. Perjalanan mengambil masa cuma setengah jam, tapi aku dah mula mabuk dengan pemandangan. Serius, aku sangat suka dengan gaya hidup warga Phnom Penh. Mereka sangat santai!

Di bahu-bahu jalan, terutama tempat-tempat yang ada rumput, aku akan lihat orang ramai duduk santai. Mereka bukan lepak buang masa. Ada yang main badminton, menari poco-poco, berbuai dalam hammock yang digantung antara pohon-pohon kemboja.. It was like they were all one community, and the entire city was their front yard.

Bayangkan la kalau kita nak main bola atau pergi dating kat roundabout tengah-tengah KL tu. Buang tebiat namanya..

Lagi satu aku rasa nak tabik dengan Phnom Penh ialah sistem pengangkutan. Tak ada sistem! Motor, tuk-tuk dan basikal bersimpang siur antara lori, bas dan SUV. Motorist tak mencilok a la Malaysia. Kalau mahu minta lalu mereka akan memicit hon perlahan dua kali. Everyone will give way. The traffic moves at a relaxed speed of 60 kph. No rush, no road rage, no jams, no accidents. Not even one road kill.

Heaven on earth.

Setengah jam dalam bas baru tahu kami dah terlepas pejabat Mufti. Dalam kepala, aku bayang bangunan korporat, dewan besar dan refreshments. Luar kepala, pejabat mufti berupa rumah dua tingkat yang malap dan berbau reban ayam. Kami dibawa ke belakang rumah, ke sebuah dewan yang langitnya dah setengah runtuh. Meja conference kami dilitupi kain hijau lusuh dan kami dihidangkan air mineral; yang terbaik dapat mereka berikan buat saudara dari jauh.

Namun perbincangan malam tu aku tak boleh lupa. Mufti bercerita tentang Islam dan Kemboja; tentang pertalian orang Campa dan orang Melayu; tentang bahasa; tentang kemiskinan yang sampai sekarang tak dapat mereka hindari. Kemiskinan yang selama ini aku dengarkan, malam itu terpampang di depan mata. Dengan terbuka mereka meminta bantuan atas nama saudara seagama.

Dalam perjalanan pulang aku berfikir; adakah lawatan kecil kami ini akan dapat memanfaatkan mereka? Atau sekadar melepaskan batuk di tangga? Apa sebenarnya tujuan aku ke sini? Aku tak nafikan, tujuan asal hanyalah untuk suka-suka. Tak ada misi sebenar untuk membantu.

Aku rasa sangat malu.

But for the first time since my arrival in Cambodia, I truly felt thankful to be there.

Personality

2009-03-18T15:09:00.002+08:00

Hello peeps! I know it's been ages since you guys have seen an entry here. There will be other close entries after this one, but.. for now, enjoy this filler and tell me what you think!

My mom encouraged me to take this personality test, just to see if mine matched hers. I was skeptical at first; I have my reservations for personality surveys, mainly because they never seem to work.. but this one is an exception. Take the test here to find out..

This test is called the Jung-Myers-Briggs typology test, or Jungian for short. Briefly, there are sixteen personality categories altogether, all of which fall into one of these four temperaments - Protectors (SJ), Creators (ST), Intellectuals (NT), and Visionaries (NF). Anyway, after taking the ten minute questionnaire, this is what the test has to say about my personality:

Temperament: NF

Personality: ENFP - Extraverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Percieving.

ENFPs are also known as The Advocate. Here's a run down of ENFPs by various experts in this field:

They can't bear to miss out on what is going on around them; they must experience, first hand, all the significant social events that affect our lives.

The Portrait of the Champion Idealist (Keirsey)

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

Portrait of an ENFP (The Personality Page)

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, more so even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone, especially on a regular basis.

ENFP Profile (TypeLogic)

Outgoing, social, disorganized, easily talked into doing silly things, spontaneous, wild and crazy, acts without thinking...

ENFP Jung Type Descriptions (similarminds.com)

ENFPs are energetic and enthusiastic leaders who are likely to take charge when a new endeavor needs a visionary spokesperson. ENFPs are values-oriented people who become champions of causes and services relating to human needs and dreams. Their leadership style is one of soliciting and recognizing others' contributions and of evaluating the personal needs of their followers. ENFPs are often charismatic leaders who are able to help people see the possibilities beyond themselves and their current realities. They function as catalysts.

ENFP - The Visionary (Lifexplore)

Ranked 1st of all 16 types in using social and emotional coping resources and 2nd in using cognitive resources.

ENFP Facts (discoveryourpersonality.com)

Hm, I don't really like the last comment.. but, you'd have to take in the good along with the bad in everything, no? Come, tell me if this test has accurately described me. I am very much the advocate for beauty is in the eye of the beholder, not the one beheld ^.~

Dance

2009-01-19T11:18:00.009+08:00

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger

May you never take one single breath for granted

God forbid love should ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean

Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens

Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out, or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking

Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter

When you come close to selling out, reconsider

Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out, or dance

I hope you dance

Time is a real and constant motion

always rolling us along

No one wants to look back on their youth and wonder

where those years have gone..

I hope you DANCE.

_____________________________________________

Seraya membaca blog seorang adik, aku makin kaget; Bicara Zion, peranan Muslim, serta konsep Islam yang keliru di mata sesetengah penganutnya sendiri.. Gambaran dia aku kira cukup sebati dengan perasaan amarah Ummah disaat ini, dan secara amnya aku mengerti. Namun, hati aku entah kenapa tak semudah itu turut setuju dengan semua hujah dan contoh yang diberikan. Aku cuba memujuk diri: Ah, kamu macam itu sebab kamu lilin..

Tapi jelas, kali ini aku terasa..

Aku ingin sekali menghuraikan untuk kamu, yang pasti sekarang sudah mula berfikir yang bukan-bukan. Tapi sayang, tak ada ayat tepat yang dapat aku susun sebagai penjelasan; ayat yang sekaligus tidak akan menyinggung perasaan orang lain. Hakikatnya, manusia itu berfikir, merasa, dan meneruskan hidup atas pengalaman sendiri, dan pengalaman aku sudah banyak membawa aku berdepan dengan isu-isu yang diketengahkan.

Selalunya, bila aku keliru aku akan bertanya. And at this moment, ini soalannya:

Pernahkah kamu hidup rukun dengan seorang Yahud?
Pernah kamu berkongsi derita seorang saudara seagama yang keliru dan tercari-cari akan pertaliannya dengan Tuhan?
Adakah matlamat itu menghalalkan cara?
Adakah kita sebagai manusia hanya terbagi kepada yang salah dan yang benar?
Apakah peranan kamu dalam semuanya? Apakah pula peranan kita?

Kamu jangan keliru. Aku tidak menyokong keganasan ke atas Palestin, atau berpalingnya seorang Muslim terhadap Islam. TIDAK SAMA SEKALI.

Cuma, aku punya pengalaman yang banyak mengajar aku kalau agama dan perkauman itu bukanlah soal cetek dan picisan; cebisan info yang boleh dikongsi dan dijadikan platform untuk mencari pandangan selari. Pada aku, bukan itu caranya untuk menang dan tentu saja bukan itu caranya untuk bersatu.

Bak kata Dr. Adi Setia: You can be majority, but that doesn't necessarily make you right.

Postcript: kepada seorang adik, aku tak bermaksud apa-apa. Kamu tahu aku sayang kamu..